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    • #119195
      Daffy
      Participant

      This is my first post and it’s taken me a long time to work up to it. I’ve been reading posts for some time and recognising lots of the things you other lovely ladies talk about. I just feel sad, alone and don’t know which way to turn.
      After years of being confused about his behaviour, and feeling I must be somehow responsible for it, I gradually began to realise that I wasn’t responsible and I’m not a bad unreasonable person – he is. I’ve read a lot now and understand what he is and that he doesn’t actually love me, but even knowing all this and finding myself hating him most of the time I still haven’t been able to leave. He controls everything, including my confidence. I’m not allowed a job, he gives me a monthly allowance (I’m expected to be grateful) and he keeps it at a level that makes it impossible to save any. I feel stuck and scared.
      I used to think he just wanted to look after me, now I know that he wants me at his disposal, where he can control me. Like I said – he controls everything. He keeps tabs on me using apps, he even controls the heating with an app especially when he’s out, he hides things from me to try to make me feel like I’m going mad, he gaslights me by telling me I’ve done or said things I know I haven’t. I’m constantly on eggshells wondering how I might have upset him when the truth is he will always be upset about something and it doesn’t really matter what I do.
      I’ve delivered so many ultimatums and not delivered on any of them – I feel like a doormat. It’s time to change but I don’t know how to start.

    • #119198
      Rose1
      Participant

      Hello Daffy well done on reaching out. I’m in a similar ‘stuck situation and when I posted just before Christmas the supportive responses made me feel much less alone. I’ve been given some good advice from ladies who are further down the line from where we currently are and I know it will be forthcoming for you..I just wanted to reach out and encourage you to keep sharing, it definitely helps..my husbands behaviour has resulted in me feeling scared too..he raises his voice and I feel scared..not sure when this fear set in but like you I know its no way to live..and this forum and the lovely ladies on it will stand with you and offer practical advice as you navigate your way.

    • #119202
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      Hi Daffy,

      Welcome to the forum😊 Really well done for reaching out here, it takes so much courage and it is a really positive first step. You have already got lots of insight into what’s happening and you should be really proud of yourself, it’s so difficult to see through the FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

      It’s normal to be sad, you entered your relationship with an open heart and have been abused by the person who should have loved you best. You’re right that these men cant love, they only love power and control.

      Have you made contact with your local womens aid? They wont pressure you to do anything but will discuss your options with you. The live chat option on the main website is a good option too, they can direct you to local resources. You deserve support and that’s what they’re there for. We are here for you too. He is subjecting you to terrible coercive control and abuse. You dont deserve this situation but you can escape it. Keep posting here and let us know how your getting on.

      Big hugs, you are not alone xx

    • #119321
      lpldja
      Participant

      It’s terrible to see someone so unhappy. You know you need to leave but his abuse has left you without any self-confidence. His coercive control is a crime so would you be able to go to the police? Women’s Aid can direct you to the unit you need to contact and they can help you. You don’t deserve this and I really hope you can get yourself out of this toxic situation.

    • #119375
      Misti
      Participant

      Hi well done for speaking out. Such a difficult position for you. Do try and reach out for some support. I’ve been on my own (detail removed by Moderator) weeks now. The hardest thing to do but the relief of not walking on egg shells all the time is immense. Although you feel on your own you are not. Big hugs x*x

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