Can’t manage to make a final cut

[searchingforhope]

He’s utterly tormenting me. I never thought after separating it would be as hard or harder. He keeps saying he loves me and wants me back, that we should give it one more proper try. That our marriage and kids deserve that. I haven’t been able to hear my gut with a few weeks now. It’s like I’m stuck in a whirlwind and can’t think clearly or can’t get out. The things that have happened are so similar to the other threads on here. It’s horrendous. But that gives me reassurance a little, thought the self-doubt is huge. All I’m trying to do is hang on to one more day of him not in the house. But I wonder more at times now is it easier to let him back. He has excused and “explained” his reasons for his behaviour according to him so now reflecting all the blame on me. To be honest he has me almost convinced I’ve imagined this all. That for so many years now that niggling feeling of things not being right was wrong. I have given him everything I have to give and it was the wrong way and not enough for him, so how can I possibly do anymore than that/ It’s so hard.
I’m lucky I have really good support behind me. But I’m starting to feel that they are thinking why can’t I just do it and cut strings and start separation proceedings. But it’s like his voice is the louder one in my head all the time, telling me I’m wrong and that I didn’t do enough and I didn’t communicate properly. I don’t think that I imagined that he was too hard to talk too and I couldn’t be honest with him, then that was complicated by his depression and illness.
The kids are my downfall as he’s threatening a battle for them and I can’t cope with that. I’m terrified of what it will do to them and what he will start saying to them. They seem to cope ok with things since the separation, they are stronger than I give them credit for in many ways. But then I’m always afraid they aren’t being fully honest with me and that there are things going on in their heads that I don’t know about.

I’ve come so far to get to here I think all my strength is fading, I struggle to believe that I can keep withholding this. There are so many people telling me I can do it and I’m strong and I’m right. But why is he still the over riding voice. It’s an utter nightmare that I can’t get out from. I’m so much more on edge and anxious now again.
Even a simple like trying to arrange kids playdates is trickier as it’s a juggle between time with him or me and then he won’t even agree days and times. Totally suiting himself, yet he says I’m suiting me. I’ve a huge struggle with boundaries. I cannot stand up to him for putting boundaries in place.

I just don’t know what to. I can see if I let him back I will end up miserable, but I feel so stuck and lost.
I’m very much rambling now, didn’t think post would be this long.

I hope there are many of you in better places than me today. x*x

[Lisa]

Dear searchingforhope,

Thank you for posting although I’m sorry you’re feeling the way you are. However it’s understandable considering you are are still going through abuse from him. Sadly it often gets worse around the time of separation because he is trying anything he can to regain control. As long as his voice is as loud as you explain, he will continue to have power. So the only option to move forwards is to reduce and ideally eliminate his voice and his abuse. I know this is much easier said than done but perhaps just start thinking about how you could reduce contact. Could you get a new number that you don’t give him, and keep your old one for him only, and limit the time you look at it? Could you move onto communication by email only? Do you have a third party you could use for communication about the children? No need to answer those questions they are just ideas.

What you’re going through is incredibly exhausting, confusing and emotional, so please try to be kind to yourself, give yourself time and you will make progress, you have already achieved so much, keep going.

If you haven’t got any local support please consider contacting your local service for some one to one support, or to access a course like The Freedom Programme, which can really help to learn about boundary setting.

Keep Posting,

Lisa

[Hazlenut]

Please consider going ‘no contact’
It’s the only way to truly start to rebuild and heal

[Author]

Posts