Can’t move on

[MeOnScreen]

Hi all
I’ve recently come to terms that my ex was emotionally abusive to me (once physical) and a lot of my “wakening” is due to this forum so thanks everyone!
I’m just seem to have really really bad days. I’m actually in a new relationship and have been for (detail removed by moderator) and he’s great! Kind, caring and loving. He never purposely upsets me or wants to hurt me or cause me any pain. Even more so he has listened to me about my past relationship and been so caring, understanding and patient with me.

He should be the person I love and he is the person I want to love but I can’t bring myself to. I am still deeply in love with my ex and just can’t see a way out. On my worst days I feel absolutely lost, I can’t live with him and yet I can’t love without him. He is with someone new which, even though in the end it was me who wouldn’t go back to my ex, it absolutely killed me. My ex has a child who I was incredibly close to and the thought of my exes new girlfriend replacing me in her live destroys me. Not only did I lose my ex but I lost his daughter as well and it breaks me.
My new boyfriend has a daughter as well who is actually the same age as my ex’s daughter however I feel like a terrible person because I can’t bring myself to connect with my boyfriends daughter even though I was so brilliant with my ex’s daughter. My new boyfriends daughter is great as well, she’s so well behave and such a wonderful child but I just can’t seem to bring myself to relax in her company.
I end up speaking to one of my oldest and closest friends who is actually a psychiatrist. She further confirmed that to me that I suffered from emotional and psychical abuse and that men like him do not changed no matter who the partner, esp without therapy. I also expressed the idea of seeing a councillor and she thought it was a great idea and I left really good for a few weeks. I found a great councillor online and left 2 emails and voicemail, however she never called me back and it knocked me a little bit.
I’ve been a bit unwell for the past couple of months, catching really bad colds and the flu and then occasionally being sick for no reason and I feel as though this is due to being a bit down over my ex still.
I just wonder to myself where it all went wrong, I use to be such a happy person and on the outside to a lot of people I still am. I just can’t believe how much effect on my life one person has had to the point where I really can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I suppose I’m just looking for advice and for anyone to tell me if how I feel is normal?

[KIP.]

Yep, it’s all the result of being in an abusive relationship and it’s going to take time and good counselling to recover. Your self esteem, confidence and trust have been brutally knocked and your thought patterns will be mixed up too. We need to re wire our brains to get rid of the negative thoughts and feelings. CBT is good for this. Read Mind Over Mood. Keep trying with the counsellor. Where it all went wrong was the minute you met a man who’s sole purpose was to destroy you. Abusers are parasites and you were his host. Have you been in touch with your local women’s aid? Have a look at the freedom programme. Someone once told me to move on. I told them I have moved in from him but I haven’t moved on from the trauma he left me with. That can take years. Or eventually we learn to live with it and manage it to allow us to be happy and carefree again.

[fizzylem]

Hi, its heartbreaking that you can see you are sabortaging this new kind, loving relationship and keeping your guard up with his little girl; feel unable to roll with things and can’t do a thing about it. Find yourself a good therapist, see a minimum of 3 before making a decision which one to see, the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy can be a good place to start. I suggest reading the info on there re how to choose your therapist; if your psychiatrist friend is available to help by discussing each therapist this would be great. You need to make sure this person can help you so it will pay you in dividends if you spend a bit of time now finding the right one for you. I dont think it’s important which modal of therapy you choose, more that the therapist has a wealth of experience in working with domestic abuse and trauma; it’s the relationship that heals.

Have you read anything on trauma bonding? Sounds like to begin with it would really help to remove this love filter. It’s not suprising you feel you cant fall for someone else when you have not ended in your heart with your ex. is it – along with feeling so very wounded by it all; we have to end before we can begin again; even if we dont get the ending we want we can still always find a way to make a ‘good enough’ ending so that we can move on; sounds like you have some unresolved feelings to process which an experienced therapist could assist you with. FL.

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