Can’t relax around him

[gettingtired]

I’m starting to notice more and more how I can’t really ever relax around him and am always experiencing some level of anxiety. Even when he isn’t creating it may just be the odd comments here and there he’ll make to me. I guess it’s the drip drip effect.
I don’t feel like I can just sit down on my phone/read a book/relax in general in front of him if he’s busy doing something as this will just irritate him or he may make an angry comment or get in a mood with me. I daren’t have any hobbies or join any clubs as it’s not worth the hassle and I just have no time to myself outside of work and his demands. The irony is I’m also accused of being boring and having no ambition because of this!
It also means I busy myself sometimes with pointless things just so it looks like I’m doing something. Or I’ll ask him if he needs a hand with anything just to keep him happy. Yet it’s perfectly fine for him to slob about whilst I clear up his mess! I daren’t complain about it either.

There is so much I can’t comment on or get annoyed with him about or approach him with anymore either because I’m too scared of the consequences.
As guilty as I feel about planning to leave, I just feel like he’s backing me so far into a corner that he’s leaving me with no other choice. It feels like my life is just an existence. I don’t even think he likes me anymore. His family are also bullying me.

[Bananaboat]

Yes, lived that, did exactly the same finding silly things to do just to make it look like I was busy. When he’d get back from work I’d jump up and fold some washing or grab a duster, but have to put them away again just as fast because I wasn’t allowed to do chores on his time. This stage was exhausting, noticing everything trying to understand what you can/can’t live with longterm, realising what you’re missing out on. Like beachhut I can now read a book, pick up my phone, work in the evenings, watch tv, relax and often I don’t even want to, but it’s that freedom of knowing you can that you miss when still living with them x

[nbumblebee]

Wow bananaboat this is exactly me this is what i do too. I often dream about the day i can sit and just be without that fear.

[Bananaboat]

❤️ it’s crazy how similar these men are isn’t it. Hope you’re ok x

[nbumblebee]

Hey you. Yep i get this too i often lie about working just so i can go gym or see a friend its so hard isnt it.
I sit in the garden facing the window so i can see him pull up so im ready to jump into action he goes mad if im sitting fown but also if im working cause im supposed to rest so i cant win either way. None of us can.
You are seeing with fresh wide open eyes now you need to work on that guilt remember its not guilt its fear its fear of the unknown of whats to come when you do go.
But dont let fear stop you. Stick to your plan keep those eyes wide you got this my friend xx

[Shazza]

Yes this! I remember feeling just like this before leaving. Relaxing was a no go as he would constantly interupt whatever I was doing with a million questions as to why I was doing whatever I was doing. Sitting down or even wanting to have a shower would be Mey with disapproval. I felt like I had to do x y and z before I had earned some time to sit or have a wash.

In terms of hobbies I ended up giving up one of mine as he made it very clear that I was being selfish doing something for myself.

I wasn’t allowed to comment on anything that he wouldnt like to hear or mention anything that I was unhappy about as I just would be told what a horrible person I was.

That constant level of anxiety is exhausting isn’t it.

I understand that guilty feeling I really do. But you deserve to be free of this and to be able to relax without fear of consequences and to live rather than just exist.

Keep going, keep strong, and don’t think about what he thinks of you or whether he likes you- his opinion means nothing. You are worth so much more than anything that he thinks and deserve to be treated so much better xx

[disorganised]

I could have written this word for word. It’s how I feel every day. I don’t remember the last time I was relaxed in my own home. I’m avoiding even being in the same room as him in the evenings. It’s so exhausting. My heart goes out for all of you lovely ladies going through this.

[Anonymous]

Your never gonna be able to relax around him gettingtired cos your never gonna know when he’s gonna turn funny (especially after the drink +drugs) you could go somewhere else but if you have to keep going somewhere else to avoid your partner that’s a huge sign they aren’t for you, your missing out different things and as you’ve already said you’d never start a family with him and that makes perfect sense but your also sacrificing motherhood (if you want it) and thats huge 💜🤗💜

[Genericusername]

I can also relate to this thread. I once saw an video that suggested women of value busy themselves when them man is busy or not paying them attention. Rather than whining or twiddling their thumbs etc. So I would apply this during the latter stages of my relationship to appear as though I hadn’t noticed. He noticed. ironically he had a habit of ignoring me for hours or days, weeks sometimes and always pulled me up on that time I was on my phone in his presence or sowed some seeds, folded laundry, talking to someone else or occasionally be unavailable etc.
There was rarely any peace for me. I was constantly shattered with the stresses. On the odd occasion he would sit to chill or chat I hoped he with me he would fall asleep or give me and inch squared of the couch to join in with the relaxing.
Domestic bliss right?

[Hereforhelp]

That’s the walking on eggshells feeling (something i now know is never ok in a relationship).. I remember all to well jumping up and busying myself with anything and planting a smile on my face for when he got home, all in the hope of stopping his moods/anger (i now also know this is not how it is in a healthy relationship). Now when I look back, without him in my/our life I see I was cinderella without a fairy godmother.. he became my persecuter/punisher and then he would be the one who rescued me.
As already said, he will not change, there’s nothing you can do to keep him happy as you are truly not responsible for his actions or behaviours, he knows what henis doing, he will sense how you feel and use itnto his advantage.

Could you talk to your local WA on phone or email them? Or talk to your GP (I found females more helpful). Once you see the abuse you cannot unsee it and they do not change.
Big hugs ❤

[Author]

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