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He won’t talk to me. He says he has talked throughout our relationship and is done talking. I will never change. I’m not sure what it is he wants to change. I have never had anyone need to change me before. I never fall out with anyone so I’m not sure what I have done. I want to separate but I want to do it well. I need the children to be ok. I don’t want drama but he won’t talk. He told me if I try to talk to him or give him stress he will drive away. He will come home after work to (detail removed by moderator) and then he will drive away again. He said it’s none of my business where he goes. I feel trapped. He gets to treat me terribly, never talk about it and he is controlling me because he knows how to scare me.
He picks put my flaws all the time. He has to be better. I was away (detail removed by moderator) so he had the kids in his own. It was easy, apparently. There is no way it was, he is barely with them and my eldest told me everything that happened. He just has to be better than me. He will tell me the house is a mess (it isn’t), I can’t cook (I can), I’m too shy (I’m not shy at all).
Noone we know would ever believe it. Everyday people comment on what a lovely family we are and what a great couple. None of it is a true. It’s awful and I need to move on.
I can’t do anything right. If life with me is so bad, why won’t he talk to me so we can separate?
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Yep I get all this too apart from the fact that i wont be alllwed to go away he never ever had our kids. Its all about power control keeping you in your place. Knocking you down so you dont see what he is doing to you. The silent treatment is all part of the abuse it will make you feel guilty low down you will try extra hard to please him and boy he will love that.
Read up about the cycle of abuse arm yourself with information the more you understand the more you see the better for you.
Im still here fighting every day but Im fighting and you can too.
Learn, look, ask for help, talk things through and work out whats best for you sweetie.
Good luck xx -
Hi pinkpearl. Im so sorry you’ve had to put up with this behaviour. This was exactly my life, the constant not talking to me, the wanting me to change, feeling like you’ve done something wrong but no idea what, the put downs. I constantly felt not good enough but to the outside world he had everyone fooled at what a nice guy he was. Then he got angry one day and was physical and he left saying it was all my fault! He just wanted to be the one that decided it was over and blame me like always. He probably won’t talk because he doesn’t like you making the decision. If I were you I’d do what my ex did to me, move out(supposedly temporary), get a solicitor and file for divorce let him get the letter through the post. I think he did me a favour as now I don’t have that constant pressure on me anymore. I hope you manage to get away and feel that freedom you deserve. Take care
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It’s such horrible treatment. If I get angry he says this is what he has to put up with. If I ignore him he says I don’t care. If I talk to anyone about it he says I have betrayed him. I can see now how controlling his behaviour is. I have young children and work part time. My life is so tangled up in his life, I need to save and plan to leave. It’s going to take me time but I will do it!
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Oh lovely I’m sorry you’re going through this. This was exactly my life too at one point.
Even if you changed he wouldn’t be happy. The goalposts would move. Nothing you do will ever be as good as he can do it. Which means every meal you cook, every time you drive, every time you clean there’s anxiety there.
As hard as it is, you’re going to have to stop trying to talk to him and reach an amicable decision to split. You’re his supply, so he’ll never want to let you go unless it’s on his terms (usually when they have the next supply set up). Another to be aware of is that he won’t leave, even if he agrees to separate and says he’s leaving, these men just don’t.
As the others said, now is the time to educate yourself and I found Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ a massive eye opener which kick started my journey to leave. That journey can be lonely at times, hard when their behaviour escalates or flips to being nice & you doubt your decision, but leaving is the best decision for you and your kids. Your home should be your safe place. Good luck x
Oh and use this time when you’re being ignored, to do something you want to do. Watch a tv programme you like but he doesn’t, have an early night, take kids out for a meal. He won’t like it but you will and sitting worrying about where he is, when he’ll be back etc is exactly what he wants and is no help to you. Show him you’re ok without him xx
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Thank you so much for your lovely advice. I think you are right about it all. Not that it makes it easier. I will always try to make everyone happy but I guess I need to concentrate on making myself and my kids happy. I will look at the book you have recommended too.
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This is why they like us, as empaths we want to look after everyone, don’t enjoy conflict and put ourselves last. We are also pants at setting boundaries or enforcing them meaning we let a lot go that we shouldn’t and he’ll take full advantage of that. I hope the book helps, other ppl can suggest other good ones that they’ve found helpful x
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