Cant see a way out

[Catch22]

I apologise that this is really long but once I started I couldn’t stop yet feel as if there is so much more but it just becomes ‘normal’ life
Like I say it seems trivial when I write things down but I’m scared of him & hate the way he makes me feel
I think I cry a silent tear every day …..I know I’m existing not living & how can you be in a relationship when you wish every day harm will come to him cause it’s the only way you see a way out

Even from the start ,many years ago , I’ve always been classed as his property. Any other male spoke to me he would get hit or threatened
Its always been just little things….the way I’m spoken to I could feel myself dying a little inside each time I’m called f*****g a******e, stupid b***h,f*****g lazy c*w ….I can see others cringe when he verbally shouts & abuses me in front of them …my defence mechanism is to laugh it off pretend its banter pretend it doesn’t hurt
I’ve learnt to cope
I spend my life walking on eggshells for fear of his moods , I annoy myself why have I let this happen what would he do if I spoke up …. I have on the occasion just to be sworn at & get shouted down
Our kids , now in young adults, see his moods experienced the same verbal abuse …my son a lazy fat a******e that he wants to knock his lights out( I often have to step in to stop all three kids being attacked) our daughter at university is a smart arse b***h ( I once cringed when he said that to a teacher one parents eve ) the youngest is f*****g stupid
We all fear his moods his temper
He prides himself on the fact his opinion is the only one that matters
If I need to speak to him I have now learnt….I have to say his name …this is to get his attention that I am going to speak then I have had to rehearse in my head what I am to say for fear of saying too many words …. I have to stick to facts cut out unnecessary words
However it doesn’t really matter what I say I’m either never listened to or believed

As well as restricting my language I’m not allowed out without good reason & that is only during daylight hours
If I want to go out I have to ask permission tell him the reason why then if it’s ok I’m then timed ….. if I’m longer than he thinks necessary I will start getting phone calls voicemails & text ….just checking I’m ok apparently

We run work together so with each other 24/7 …. he is very good at Jekyll and hyde….he can be screaming abuse at me in front of staff behind the scenes then go (detail removed by moderator) & customers think hes mr wonderful….. I know most see him as the nice guy & I’m more aloof little do they know
I work from (detail removed by moderator) as the (detail removed by moderator) ,then go upstairs do the housework,his ironing,have to have dinner on the table at 5pm.He comes up grabs some (detail removed by moderator) & falls asleep in front of the tv …. me & kids have learnt to be quiet for fear of waking him …. we chat whilst we eating but if he wakes we know the conversation has to stop cause we are talking inane rubbish …. it’s just stupid things that annoy me ….the fact he can’t even be bothered to stay awake to eat when he knows I’m dishing up …. the fact the rare occasions he does join us he doesn’t speak eats then gets up & walks off …. petty I know but it’s just manners
Once I’ve tidied up I’m ‘on call’ every night….hence im not allowed out in case (detail removed by moderator) gets busy & I’m needed .I have to wait for the silent phone call or him shouting ‘(detail removed by moderator)’ down the phone for me to jump & go down to work
Then I have to get changed & be (detail removed by moderator) the dutiful wife be seen then help him do (detail removed by moderator) usually finish about (detail removed by moderator) ,then I head upstairs to cook his supper usually heading for bed about (detail removed by moderator)
This is my life every day & to top it off he doesn’t pay me, he says he cant afford to pay me a wage
Now we come onto another issue of money
I’m sure if I looked back I would see this has been going on for ages …. but I’ve discovered he has been withdrawing an average of £(detail removed by moderator) a month cash out the joint account. I cant work out where its going as we dont do anything we never go out
Not only is money disappearing, he recently got a bank loan for £(detail removed by moderator) no discussion with me no understanding why, he secretly made an appointment with the bank no word to me until I saw it in bank account I asked why …. he just walked off
He has also built up a credit card debt of about £(detail removed by moderator) in (detail removed by moderator) months & I’ve just discovered he cashed in a life insurance policy of £(detail removed by moderator) again no discussion
I really dont know what hes doing with the cash he doesn’t go out we don’t do anything
I actually braved it (detail removed by moderator) & asked him what was happening with money …. I got shouted at who was I to question & told ‘f**k you’ as he walked off discussion over I cant mention it again

I really want to leave but I just don’t know how….. I have no family or friends I have no where to go
If I tell him I’m not happy I need an escape plan at the ready
As I’ve said we (detail removed by moderator) so if I leave him I lose my home & job
I dont know what help I could get
It’s the stupid things I dont know where to turn …. I never have time on my own …. if I leave a room i have to say where I’m going so making phone calls is difficult…. as I’ve said I’m not allowed out going to see someone is hard although I wouldn’t know who to see
But its things like the rent in my area is so expensive nearly £detail removed by moderator) a month , my kids would want to come with me I know they’d help with the rent but I need to sort out first before telling them
How can I rent when I’ve lost my job ? How can I get references for a landlord when I have no job ? I’ve managed to squirrel away about £(detail removed by moderator) so I could afford 6 months rent in advance but then I’d have no money left. I know I’d be able to get a job easily enough due to my trade but what do I do in the interim ? I just feel so trapped

[Lottieblue]

Catch22 I am in no position to give advice, I’m hopeless, but I absolutely know that someone will be along soon. You have come to the right place, for sure. A lot of what you say is very similar to me, very. I just wanted to tell you that you will be ok because there are lots of very strong, very, brave and very wise women on here who are going to come on and point you in the right direction. I am thinking of you and giving you hugs. I know what you’re going through. Sometimes I get brave enough to pipe up and say I can’t do this any more and I just get told I’m useless and I need to suck it up. And pow! Bye bye self esteem. Of course I’m useless, otherwise this wouldn’t be a problem. Of course his life is much harder than mine, he works harder, he is worth more. I’m just being spoilt. Back in my shell.

[Catch22]

Thank you for replying…. I totally understand what you mean about getting back in your shell …. but mines more a bucket that I’ve buried my head in for too long …. I just want someone to help me lift it & show me a way out

[HunkyDory]

Hi Catch22, welcome to this wonderful forum and well done sharing you story with us, it must be difficult to write. My goodness what a horror of a husband, what he is doing to you and your children is dreadful and illegal. You are working without pay, and enduring financial and emotional abuse. How clever you are putting away that money ❤️ it will give you a fresh start outside this nightmare you’re living. And your children will be there to support you afterwards.

Please be very careful he doesn’t find out about your plan, leaving an abusive relationship is a dangerous time so you need some support to plan this carefully. Please speak to women’s aid – they have a live chat option if you can’t talk. They will help you plan a safe exit. If you are able at any point to call the police please do. Most forces have a Facebook messenger option (I used it myself) that you can ask for help on.

Please keep posting, the other ladies here will provide more & better advice I’m sure, but please be careful and I’m sending you a big hug and lots of strength to get away. X*x

[Lisa]

Hi Catch22,

Just wanted to show you some support here; it’s hard to see a way out of these relationships when you’re in them, and it absolutely can be difficult, but there is help available and you will have some practical options for getting out of this.

As HunkyDory has said there is a live chat service available where you can speak to a Women’s Aid support worker (Mon – Fri 10am – 12pm).

If you’re looking to move locally to avoid uprooting your children too much your local domestic abuse service should be able to help you with this.

Keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[Catch22]

Thank you …. I will try the live chat next week
I know its probably weak of me I suppose its because I’ve been conditioned but I’m too scared to get authorities involved, he can’t see he does anything wrong ,I do know it’s wrong & even saying things out loud or writing I have a lump in my throat & fight back the tears
All I want is to hold my head high & shock him that I can do this , he knows I would go if I could but I really cant see how I can …. I’ve tried talking to people in the past but no one seems to get the job/home scenario

[HunkyDory]

Your not weak catch22, you’re in a very difficult situation but you can get out. Honestly please get hold of women’s aid for help. What about going to see your GP and tell them what’s happening and tell them this is the only way you can get to talk to someone alone. Like you I was scared getting anyone else involved but I had to for my safety, and so should you. It’s not easy and you’ll go through the guilt and the fear, but there is another side, I and other ladies on here are testament to that.

Everyone has the right to live their life freely and with dignity and respect from their partners. And if their partners won’t do that, then they will see there are options for people like us.

Don’t lose hope xx

[Hetty]

What a truly awful man and situation. Everything you’ve said is just horrendous. I can only imagine how trapped you must feel and how high and mighty he must feel.
Can you make a lie up about going to the doctors for some routine smear or something and get an appointment with you gp to disclose this abuse. You could ask them to arrange a follow up where a domestic abuse worker could meet with you and just lie again to say you need a follow up.
Have you thought about applying for social housing. It’s a cheaper and more stable option?
Is it possible he is gambling the money online?
You don’t deserve to live like this.
I know where you’re coming from. I pray everyday for a knock on the door to say my husband is never coming home. I’m busy making plans unbeknown to him x*x

[Catch22]

Is it normal to sometimes think is it me ? Am I seeing things wrong ? Am I blowing things out of proportion?
I think that’s why I’ve not spoken before , that’s why I’m scared of getting authorities involved

[HunkyDory]

It’s really common, they are master manipulators and are very good at making us feel it’s us, we’re getting things wrong, it’s not that bad… honey what you have written above is truly horrendous. That’s no way to live your life, you’re not exaggerating and you have every right to get you and your children away from this horrible person.

Don’t be scared, once you’ve made that first step you’ll see it’s the right thing to do. Xx

[Catch22]

Thank you x

[Hetty]

No this is not you. You are not blowing things out of proportion. This man is controlling every aspect of your life. He’s financially and psychologically abusing you. Start making plans to be feee of him. You can do it. It’s just going to take some planning. Reach out x*x

[Catch22]

He has (removed by moderator) saying he loves me we just having a bad year ….trying to explain money …apologising for (removed by moderator)
He says he thinks I’m looking for work planning to leave
He will now be waiting for my reaction… I’m not ready I have no escape plan yet … do I lie & pretend all ok or to I confess it’s TRUE
I’m scared cause I’ve not sorted anything yet

[Hetty]

The letter is the mr nice guy routine, trying to win you over. It’s all part of the cycle of abuse. It’s all lies to keep you hooked. You do t have to make snap decisions if you’re physically safe. I can’t tell you what you should or should not do but I’ve been lying and trying to keep everything as normal as I can to avoid world war 3 erupting at home. If he gets a sniff that you really want out he might up the abuse. Do what you need to do to stay safe and get yourself into the best possible position to get out of the relationship. Don’t feel bad, it’s so so hard x

[HunkyDory]

Don’t let him know you’re planning to leave until your plan is set and you have a safe place to go. Contact the chat line at women’s aid they’ll help you.

He’s putting mr nice on display to make you feel sorry for him and to keep you there. Don’t fall for it, carry on preparing your plan safely.

Good luck XX

[Catch22]

Thank you….using avoidance techniques at moment but know the discussion will come
I know I need to start making plans …its so hard for me to phone I have to have my phone on permanent stand by if he calls me if its engaged he will question & be enraged I’m on the phone how easy is it to get through on online chat? I really need practical advice

[Hetty]

I emailed them. I then got in contact with my local domestic abuse service and got a face to face appt a few days later. If you can get an appt you could make up that you need a gp appointment x

[Catch22]

I’m confused….. I know I’m not happy but domestic abuse is such a harsh term ..he doesn’t realise what hes doing how I feel
I know I have told him time & time again throughout our marriage I dont like being treated like it being spoken like it but he generally is an angry man ,very blunt in the way he speaks
I’ve spent over three quarters of my life with him
I will cause such a mess if I go …. I have secretly cried for so long should I just carry on & get on with it ..my bed & all that
I guess I dont see that I warrant a shelter a refuge I’m not in danger am I not just being selfish ?

[HunkyDory]

Domestic abuse is a broad spectrum. Emotional, physical, psychological, financial. He’s making your life a misery and you shouldn’t have to put up & shut up. He does realize how he treats you and also knows you don’t like it because you’ve told him umpteen times yet he still does it. How is that in any way respecting you & your needs?

Yes it will be messy, but you’ll be free to live a normal life without being totally controlled. And the mess is 100% his doing, not yours. It’s not selfish to want a happy life, free from tyranny. You have some money aside that can start you off – your children you said would help in the beginning til you get on your feet.

You can do it xx

[Author]

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