Can’t see way out

[Anonymous]

Can’t see a way out. I really can’t.
Each avenue my head explores is just met with an opposing thought orvworry that I get so anxious .

My husband is not dangerous in my eyes but on reading everything on here and how so similar everything sounds I guess if I desperately try to put my logical brain to it then yes on paper he is .
But the fear I feel from him is just this heavy ness of the unknown the never quite knowing mood – jokey and fighting ,angry and lashing out, gropey and just behaviour that Shames me ,sulky or overtly happy and exuberant.

I get courage and comfort reading responses on here to his behaviour and for a fleeting second feel so relieved to be heard. To not be told I’m a drama queen or pathetic. Or to stop moaning.

But each time I start thinking right this must be abuse – I cannot stay etc im met with so many practical things in head like if I’m not with him when he see kids I can’t deal with that especially if he is driving ( he drinks and smokes weed) or he can’t have them over night as he has not once in the years bathed or got up in night nor have they got to sleep with him they would be so sad ( I once thought this was due to breastfeeding but I no longer do and am still on the floor in other room years later ).
I then think ok surely courts or authorities couldn’t rule that he would be around them unsupervised but then I think people have it worse and they have such court battles.

then I think of his poor elderly Mum whom I care for .
She would be heartbroken.
She knows his behaviour isn’t always right but is in such denial that even when she knows our arguments have resulted in him hitting me has told me how her friends marriage is strong years on and he used to hit her so it’s about dealing with their flaws.

Then I’m whacked back again with guilt of even having these thoughts that actually I’m just as bad as him. I don’t deserve to even have him or kids.

I can’t cope with such constant streams of thoughts. I can’t see any logical steps in this scenario. I could up and just leave and no one know anything but I’d have to allow him to see them for the standard times. If I spoke to authorities or anyone about behaviour I’m terrified my children will be taken from me.

Or as I conclude it must be easier to live this way as long as I protect my children at all times . I’m not allowed anywhere without them anyway. I’m back from my one night with them and we are all so gutted to be home – he’s not argued with me yet but I’m in their room and darent go out of room because I didn’t give him the “ welcome” I should have.

I’m so sorry to keep posting

[dustypink]

Anonon
I am sorry you are in this situation, you’ll get some good responses here.
I just wanted to say that everyone deserves to be happy and to be loved. The life is only one. We can change it if we want. Support is needed, also you should check your options for getting out, just work towards it!
Sounds like your self esteem is extremely low 🙁 Please read some books about domestic abuse, you’ll find some good advices there as well!

[BakingQueen]

Anonon,

I’ve been where you are. It feel as like there is no way out. But I can assure you that in time you will find the strength to leave.

No.1 those practical assumptions are true but like the lady above me said you deserve to be happy. My ex can’t be trusted with my son and in the beginning I allowed him access. Now I’ve refused. Supervised or court. Simple as and he’s lost interest already and moved on to the next poor soul so me and my son have been left in peace (for now)

I can sense from what you typing there is a lot of doubt in yourself, but learn to trust your gutt. This man isn’t nice to you, he is physically abusive to you and there is NO excuse for that behaviour. Don’t minimise it. You are NOT as bad as him. In fact you are not bad at all. Remember that.

Gain support when you can. Make a plan and get out as soon as. Think of yourself and your kids only. His mother isn’t your responsibility either. Sounds harsh but in these situations your safety is key. I know it’s hard, trust me I’ve been there but the more you see this for what it is the more you find strength and then the amazing freedom you’ll feel when you leave

Always here. Feel free to message me if needed. X

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your replies … I always appreciate it .
So bizarre it’s like I’m noticing everything now . The things I thought were cus he was protecting me or other nicer alternatives.

Put together with what I only thought the incidents were main issue I can see that’s just the obvious bits.

I’m finding myself hoping for another major “visible” event to justify / find it in me / to just go or make him go.
But then I hoped for that last time and when it did I doubted myself cus I’d hoped for it therefore I maybe made it happen! My goodness that sounds so bad of me ay 🙁

[BakingQueen]

You don’t need a reason. He’s done so much to you already. I was the same way, I tried to tell him but he didn’t listen and he got it in my head that if i did leave it would be for nothing and that it would sound pathetic explaining that I left because he didn’t do the washing up but he was minimising his abusive behaviour. No.1 you don’t need to explain to anyone why you leave, your happiness is deserved and no-one should get in the way of that 2. You don’t need to justify anything. You’ll learn in time that you don’t care if people believe you or not. You know it happened / is happening. You KNOW the truth. Screw what other people think. Just because someone doesn’t believe you doesn’t mean it never happened.

I really hope you get out soon. I understand the thought process and it does take time but you’ve got to shift your thinking. Good luck xx

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