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    • #51616
      Mermaid
      Participant

      So hello I am new.. I have left my ex partner in (detail removed by Moderator) and it was really hard to come to terms with what has happend.. I was assaulted by him numerous times during our (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship. He was very full on from the beginning – we have fallen in love (well I have I don’t think he loved me at all although most of the time he was saying he loves me like no one else – more than my parents and my friends). I have done things for him that I haven’t done in any other relationship I mean i constantly felt like I’m going an extra mile for him but nothing was ever good enough and he wanted more ‘prove’ of love constantly. I found myself in situations I have never been before and most of the time I was paralysed by shock I still can’t explain this. It started with name calling it was followed by breaking my stuff than strangling spitting on me biting me ripping my clothes during an argument and having an intercourse with me (which at the time I ‘preffered’ to other things because somehow I felt like it’s his way of declaring his love for me – I guess I felt like he’s passionate about me I don’t know why did I think it’s ok. I tried to leave numerous times but I’ve missed him every time and I felt responsible so my anxiety was awful when I was away from him however I kept on being strong and by the time I started achieving things rebuilding my life he he would come back.. longest break was (detail removed by Moderator).. he would come back crying saying he can’t live without me that he loves me and can’t deny it and will never hurt me again… I gave it another go again and again and again. Until (detail removed by Moderator) this year… when I almost died due to multiple head injuries brain hommerage fractured skull broken cheekbone and I lost a vision in my right eye… I have woken up from being unconscious after (detail removed by Moderator) hours from being unconscious in his bed with dried up blood on my face in my hair overwhelming headache and memory loss. He said it I did it to myself first version ‘I fallen down the stairs’ second ‘I jumped out of the window’ if it wasn’t for my best friend who I sent picture to when I regain my conciousness I wouldn’t be around now. She contacted my family who have contacted the police. I had no memory and I was in complete shock so when police started questioning me at the hospitals I just stuck to his story of falling down the stairs. He kept on showing up with flowers and stayed by my hospital bed every day whole day. I discharged myself sooner than I should because hospital stuff kept on asking me every night after he left if it was him if he did it to me but I had no answers and I didn’t wanted to get him arrested as he has previous criminal record and also was involved in dealing drugs so I didn’t wanted to play a part in him ending up in jail. Hospital has called my Gp I went to see her to ask for some diazepam as I can’t explain the emotional agony I was going through and I still couldn’t leave… I was in denial that he would ever do that to me. My Gp has told me that hospital staff have contacted her and told her that my injuries don’t match the typical fall injuries are they are only on my face (2 black eyes, cut on my brow bone, fractured cheekbone, skull injuries and my teeth were all moving) I did remember one thing from that night and I didn’t wanted to tell anyone I confronted him about it but he said ‘it wasn’t like that’ I remembered at some point that night I’m (detail removed by Moderator) I was laying on the floor in feral position and he was kicking me… I don’t know what else has happened but I remembered that… after speaking to my Gp and talking to dv helpline (I started talking to them few months before the incident but I still was in such denial about what has happend I somehow couldn’t leave)… I decided to leave I went back to his house I knew he’s not going to be there as he was always out at that time in the evening every other day to get my stuff… he showed up… I told him I am leaving he said he doesn’t want me anyway… than he started punching himself in the face (he always did that during the arguments and it was such a bizarre reaction) than he can’t close to me refused to give me my stuff.., I was holding to my bag so tight I was so scared he spat in my blind eye 3 times.. I had (detail removed by Moderator) bags there he refused to give them to me because he ‘didn’t want the neighbours to see and I’m causing a scene’ I run downstairs with one bag and my phone in my hand while trying to get a cab… he snatched my phone out of my hand and banged it against the wall numerous times.. it was beyond repair. I managed to run into a taxi and get home back to my parents he showed up at (detail removed by Moderator) banging at the door and ringing door bell… threw remaining (detail removed by Moderator) bags at my front door and by the time my dad opened the door he was gone.. he I changed my number.. he kept on showing up at my house but I was advised by victim support to stay st my friends house so I did… my mum called me told me she’s scared.., I blocked him on all the social media accounts I could think of that he was using.. I decided to get an injunction.. as I still didn’t wanted to press the charges.. I got an emergency injunction(detail removed by Moderator)…instead (detail removed by Moderator) he managed to contact me on social media through his family accounts… the injunction got extended from (detail removed by Moderator) months to (detail removed by Moderator).. he still kept on contacting me although I kept on blocking different accounts he would contact me from… I contacted victim support as I didn’t wanted to talk to the police but I was scared.. victim support said I must report it and if I didn’t wanted to press the charges I can still report the messages just so it’s on the file.. police took the matters in their own hands… they started looking for him and found a lot of illegal things in his house… he got arrested and he’s in jail.. (detail removed by Moderator)… me well I feel relieved and safer however I go through motions I have awful ptsd I still find it hard to function normally although I sleep and eat so much better now he’s been out away… one question – why do I feel guilty sometimes? Why do I feel empathy for him? Why do I still believe what he has said about me … why does he live in my head?! What when he comes out… (detail removed by Moderator) why is he dragging this out… I mean if he pleaded guilty at least to some of the things he’s done he would have reduced sentence (police info). I feel like he rather has longer sentence to just somehow drag it out and stay in my life… last but not least I feel like he lied about everything… smallest things things he didn’t have to lie about… I feel like I was in relationship with someone I loved and didn’t know at all..

    • #51627
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      welcome to the Forum mermaid,

      Gosh you have been to hell and back. Its a miracle you survived his abuse and violence but thank God you did.

      You would never get over that horrific trauma that another person (him) subjected you to on your own, so its great you have posted your story on here, with us in a very safe place.

      All your feelings are normal after being in relationship with an abuser. We have felt the same way. The feeling sorry for them. The feeling somehow we are to blame (VICTIM BLAMING-the abusers do it, we do it (blame ourselves) and others do it, (blame us)).

      He will spend less time in your head if you keep reading the posts on here alot and sharing your thoughts and feelings as they arise. He is in your head because he needs to be processed out of you head. You will do this on here.

      Knowledge is Power and leads to healing. You will learn on here that our abusers are similar. They lie, lie and lie some more even when they don’t have to lie. They are so used to telling lies. That’s how they feel power over another person. Even if they are describing what the weather was like on their holiday they may lie because they get a feeling of one-up-manship over the person they are with-holding the truth from. That it was really sunny but they pretend its raining. They would feel power over that person. Its sick but they get a ‘high’ from deceiving another person.

      You have really been on the receiving end of horrific abuse. Please keep posting for support.

    • #52124
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      so sorry to hear of the awful abuse you have gone through i know what it feels like to still want the person that they are when they are not abusive but its an illusion the abuser is in there too you must be strong surround yourself with the ones who really care for you and try to have no contact this man sounds dangerous you may not survive his next attack

    • #52221
      Freedomfighter
      Participant

      Hi and welcome, I can’t even begin to imagine what you have been through or how you have survived, but I’m so glad you are still here to share your experiences. Well done for having such courage. The only part I can comment on is the lies and how you still care and feel guilty. I have decades of experience with the lies. I think in my case I was very young and naive when we met and he’d built up a reputation as being a very good and caring person doing a lot of charity work and taking a big part of church life in the community as did his parents. So when he lied to me then swore he never told lies it was confusing. I would point out discrepancies and he would explain them away as slight exaggerations or embellishments to make a more interesting tale. He didn’t have friends so I assumed he was just trying too hard to be liked. He knew I was a very caring person and played on that to manipulate me all the time. For years I made excuses for him and defended him and his behaviour to my family and friends. Like you I was in denial. When ever I questioned him about things he would just lie and explain things away and blame me. I believed all his lies because he was always telling me how much he loved me and how I was the best thing that ever happened to him etc. I desperately wanted to believe him, wanted to be loved and he had this fantastic public image he’d created. The bad stuff just don’t fit, didn’t make sense. It was so much easier to believe his lies. Even when things escalated into physical and psychological abuse I believed his excuses of stress and alcohol and his lies about not remembering any of it the next day etc. It was like living with Jeckell and Hyde. I loved the Mr Perfect imagine he’d created and for decades clung to that and tried to ‘fix’ our marriage. He always blamed me for his behaviour and so in the end I did too. The first few times abuse was mentioned I denied it emphatically saying that was rubbish. The truth was I just couldn’t handle the truth at that time. I didn’t want to believe I’d wasted (detail removed by Moderator) decades of my life on him, been so wrong, tried so hard and endured so much.
      I recently started googling abuse and was devastated to realise that he’s used just about every form of abuse there is at one time or another. Yet still there are times I catch myself looking at him and doubting that it can be true, totally mystified as to why I didn’t see it, how I kept forgiving him, making excuses for his behaviour and worst of all worrying about how he will cope when I leave and feeling guilty!
      I think the secret is accepting that Mr Perfect is a lie, an illusion, fiction and not reality. It’s accepting that the truth is they are cruel, unfeeling, power hungry liars who love the fact they can control and manipulate us. They don’t love ‘us’ just the fact they can control us like puppets. It’s so hard to do when they are appealing to our hearts and compassionate nature. Or lying to us making us believe it’s our fault and that we need them, can’t survive without them. Keep reading everything you can, watch the YouTube videos and posts on here. It definitely helps to understand what’s been happening, why they do these things etc. Counselling and talking to the ladies on the helpline has helped me immensely to understand why I stayed with him, why I kept believing his lies and doubting myself. All the support and knowledge is helping me to understand and come to terms with it all. It’s very hard to let go of the illusion you believed was your partner, you just have to keep reminding yourself of the truth, what they are capable of and who they really are. Over time you slowly start to accept the truth and it gets a little easier. The hardest part is believing it’s not my fault and I’m worth all this struggle and deserve to be happy and treated with the respect I’ve been denied. Don’t worry about the mixed feelings, it’s just a side effect of the abuse and lies combined with our natural instincts to be kind and compassionate. We all need to feel loved and cared about and for me and many others that love has come from the illusion so we cling to it and pine for its loss. I don’t love myself or respect myself, so I hold on to him. I’m trying to learn to like myself at present, to look after myself and tell myself I do deserve to be happy and free. They tell me it will take time to undo what he has done so I’m plodding on with it. I wish you luck and peace and support you deserve

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