cant stand any more of ex's mental torture

[Jupiter]

I am writing this now as my son and little granddaughter are in bed.They are visiting me for a few days and have notseen little one for (detail removed by Moderator) due to an old injury.
I am distressed and in despair about my ex’s cruel mind games and manipulations while acting as nice guy to adult son and nice grandpa to the little girl.To cut long story short,ex has cleverly tortured me mentally over my entire adult life but covers his tracks so no one else sees it.It is painful when I have struggled to get this far and now it seems that ex is determined to ruin the rest of my life after losing so much because of him.It drives me crazy that his second childless wife calls herself the same grandma name as me–done on purpose of course to hurt me.Now that the child chats more she speaks more and more about this woman, including today in our limited time together.It seems almost that ex has coached her to do it! The last straw was my granddaughter asking me on a walk what work I do.it may sound harmless but the “family” have monitored my work status for years as they suspect lack of work and are prejudiced about mental health.My instincts inform me that my ex has probably encouraged the child to find out if I work or not.it is as if this small girl has suddenly acquired the mind of a 12 year old and that she is his new flying monkey.I am horrified and so heartbroken that I wonder if I would be better off giving up my grandmother role to ex’x new wife as it is making me ill.This is an infant school age child.I feel as if my ex and wife are sitting on my back tormenting me until I break but all undercover.Giving up my role would stop his nasty games.
Jupiter

[Confused123]

Hey hUn

Sorry to hear they are still getting to u, dont give them satisfaction of letting them break the contact u have with your grandchild, let them play their games, rise above it and as much as it hurts give them no reaction, i find this is the only way u can win them

[Nova]

Hi Jupiter…sending you a huge hug, that’s a horrid place to find yourself when all you want to do is have your own time with your little one.
Dont let ‘them’ spoil what you have, she will grow and you can make your own relationship with her along the way, in your own way!
The comments hurt,(as you say delivered by them)as you seem to know what they’re up to, and meant to cause you distress…don’t react,I agree with Con. ignore.
Your close family are not to be used messengers for that pair. Don’t be dragged into their rubbish.

Your Stronger than the words, you and her have a close bond…forget anyone else, and enjoy quality time & your own unique precious relationship together.

Have faith in your self …Jupiter you Are your own person …a kind and thoughtful Grandma! 🌺
Cx

[Serenity]

Huge deep breaths, Jupiter.

I can completely imagine how it is for you. A horrible and painful situation.

I wanted to share with you what my saviour of a DV outreach worker told me way back ( she was a tough cookie, a DV survivor herself). She said: in situations where you are being severely tested or abuse is very near you, emotions are your enemy. Your abuser wants you to break. He wants you to either break down ( so he can tell everyone you are mad) or to get angry ( so he can tell everyone how horrible you are- though to be honest, you’d be within your rights to get angry and to not care what any of them think- but then you may really miss time with your grandchild).

I had to use all the energy I could to not rise to it, to not engage in a game of ping pong. I used many visualisation techniques/ imagining a protective bubble around me, so whatever anyone said would bounce off me and not be able to touch me.

My DV worker told me to be a graceful swan, to be calm on the outside even if I was paddling like crazy underneath.

Melanie Tonia Evans speaks of how important it is to tell ourselves at a deep level that we are ok- that this isn’t our fault. That we aren’t bad or lacking, to have faith in ourself. As this will give off the right vibration that will give the child being manipulated the chance to respond to us in a positive way, as who we essentially are, not as a victim as our abusers would like us to be. Keep telling yourself that you are ok, that you are a survivor and refuse to be an ongoing victim. You have the mental and emotional strength to do this. You’re far stronger than him in those ways, which is why he felt the need to bully you.

We are here for you whilst you’re in this pressure cooker atmosphere, and we will be here to support you when they have left. x

[Serenity]

PS: Keep telling yourself that your grandchild deserves to know the real, essential you- the lighthearted and joyful you that your ex tried to destroy. But to have this faith in the real you, you must keep reminding yourself that is is not you who is faulty or not good enough. It is your ex who is seriously lacking and has major character issues.

[Jupiter]

A big thank you to everyone here about the horrible situation.Just read your posts now as my son and grand daughter have gone home today and i miss them terribly.The little girl cried while waiting for the train and I had to hide my pain.I think you feel it all more intensely when you lost your children (unjustly) when they were small and here it is again in another form: all my life other people have stolen my roles from me i.e. role as mother,sister daughter by other family members and now my ex and new wife are playing game of grandpa and nana as if I’m some imposter.It hurts every time the little one chats about his second wife -makes me feel that she is taking over in the grandparent role and i cant stop them.She and my ex even chose exactly the same wedding date as ours!!I would never steal someone else’s rightful family role: I would use my own christian name to respect the other biological person.These abusive men seem to be unable to stop the cruelty despite new partners, good income and country cottages etc.Very strange and more so when they are in the older age group.Wisdom does not always come with age as we know.The only comfort i got this morning was hearing little girl say ” fat grandpa!”.Well,he must have put on weight-he must feel comfortable playing his games knowing I am powerless to prevent them.However as your posts wisely say a rotten character shows in the end and the abusive behaviour will become eventually transparent.Abusers
slip up in the end with bad habits and overconfidence.A religious text teaches us that bad trees produce bad fruit.
Hugs to everyone here and others surviving the same.
Jupiter x x

[Ayanna]

No, do not give up your role as grandmother.

Try a different tactic. Tell the little girl a story, for instance, that your new boyfriend supplies you with the money that you need for a living and you do not have to work.
You could hurt the man back by asking the girl why grand dad’s new wife has no children. That is nasty, I know. But abusive people can only be dealt with by nastiness. I am all for passive aggressive nastiness towards abusers and I think we have to learn how to do this to perfection. Hurt him back as much as you can. You know his weak areas.

[Author]

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