Can’t stand living like this anymore and I’m so confused

[Lizardlady]

Hello 👋 I’m new here, looking for some support as i have absolutely nobody else in my life apart from him. Been together for (detail removed by moderator) now and it’s always been difficult if I’m honest. Three kids together, 2 (detail removed by moderator) have left home and now its just me and him and our son who has aspergers. He’s always had a temper, never been physically violent but he has smashed things during rows and punched holes in nearly all my doors. I stayed because despite everything I loved him and between the arguments and blow ups he can be so charming and loving. Over the years he’s refused to ever accept his bad behaviour, gets angry if i try to get him to acknowledge it or my feelings, never says sorry even when he’s upset the kids its as though nothing matters but his own feelings and i usually end up apologising for things ive not done and accepting the blame for everything that goes wrong just to smooth things over. He grew up with an abusive dad and always blames this for why he acts like he does but won’t accept he’s abusive himself. The past (detail removed by moderator) I’m really struggling to carry on and I don’t love him anymore. (Detail removed by moderator) another kick off i actually found the courage to tell him to go but he involved our son and i ended up saying sorry because he had my son begging me to let him stay and telling him (detail removed by moderator). I have no money of my own, hes gotten us into debt with cannabis and the council tax. We’re on benefits and I have nobody atall to help me, my mum and dad are both passed away, I have no friends because of his jealously and constant accusations of cheating so for a quiet life i gave up on friendships a long time ago. He monitors my social media and adds anybody who adds me, I have nowhere to turn but I want to be free of him so much. My skin crawls when he touches me, I’m only holding it together for my son. How do I tell him that i don’t want us to be together anymore? He has everyone on his side thinking he’s a nice man and I feel so trapped its unreal. How would I cope financially? The house is rented in a joint tenancy, I’m in debt up to my eyes and I don’t want to hurt my son but i feel like life isn’t worth living anymore. Just looking for some support and information from others who have been there. He says he’s got problems because of his upbringing and because he’s waiting for an assessment to diagnose autism he puts everything down to that and refuses to listen to my feelings or anything I have to say. Anyone else been in a similar situation? Please help

 

 

[Soulsearcher18]

Welcome to forum Lizardlady, I’m sorry to hear how you are feeling and about your experiences. Thank you for sharing, I know that it is not easy to.

Ok, so you took me on a journey there with your post. It sounds like you’ve recognised this is an abusive relationship and are definitely at the stage of seeking advice and support and finding out your options to get out. That’s great that you have reached that stage already, we can definitely help you with options and next steps.

So you rent and have debt, I appreciate where to live and finances are massive and huge influencing factors but there may be some possible advantages to not having a mortgage/assets and not having savings in this situation.

First port of call I think, would be contacting Women’s Aid because you can be really specific with them about your situation, e.g. where you live, what age your child is etc and this can help them to best advise you of your options and what may be available to you. There’s also such a lot for you to process and lots of info to take on board and so speaking to someone professional directly is really important. You can either contact Women’s Aid via their contact options which I’ll put the link for below, or you can search for and contact your local Domestic abuse service. I would encourage you to seek local support and get an allocated worker ideally but this can take time to get referred in and allocated etc and so in the meantime, you might want to seek advice through Women’s Aid.
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

I need help – information and support on domestic abuse

Domestic Abuse Directory

I would suggest seeking support from your GP and booking in to see them regularly through this process- ideally the same GP and one that you trust and feel comfortable with. A few reasons I suggest this, firstly the mental and emotional impact that living in an abusive relationship can have on you which you may not even be fully aware of, secondly to receive on-going consistent support, thirdly to create a log and evidence of the abuse which may be useful to you in future- I do not know the age of your child but it may be useful if his dad takes you to court for contact of your child. Also, your GP can provide a supporting statement for local authority housing applications too.

I’d suggest contacting your local Citizens Advice Bureau who can discuss what financial support may be available to you. https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

I’d also possibly suggest contacting your local authority housing department to enquire about housing options and to make an application. I’d consider making an application, even if you are considering other options if you can.

Another option is that he moves out and you stay in the property perhaps. It may be worthwhile contacting the Rights of Women helpline who can offer free legal advice. Details for the helpline below. Many family law solicitors also offer free half hour consultations where you can access initial legal advicce. There is also lots of information on the rights of women website.

Family law

You may find it useful as a starting point to take a look through the Women’s Aid Survivors Handbook, link below.

The Survivor’s Handbook

Hope I haven’t bombarded you with information there but you sounded like, right- I need options in your post and so I just want to set you on your way to being able to find it all out.

Alongside all the research and accessing services, there is actually living through this stage which is extremely stressful and emotional. We are here for you every step and likely you will experience a range of feelings and have lots of questions along the way. Please continue to share with us and we will help as best we can, or just offer support- whatever you need.

There are also lots of useful posts already on here that may be of interest to you, so do have a read through some of the previous posts.

Hope to hear how you get on.

Take care

Soulsearcher

[iliketea]

Hi, welcome to the forum, can’t add to the above advice @soulsearcher18 has covered it. Xx

[Camel]

Hi Lizardlady

Welcome to the forum. Congratulate yourself on taking positive action. It shows you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Soulsearcher has given you great advice. You are incredibly isolated so she’s right, you need to make WA and your GP your first ports of call. You need to build a strong support network.

You say that he’s not physically abusive but smashing things up and putting holes in walls shows that he is. Does he smash up his own property or does it always seem to be your things that get ruined?

He’s also financially abusive. Seek out debt advice before you separate. The debt will be shared and not yours alone. Also know that you will cope better financially on your own than if you stay. You will be entitled to the same benefits. You may also be able to claim for a carer’s allowance for your son. Just an idea, I’m not an expert.

Tenancy agreements can be terminated. You can also get your name removed once you find a new place. Or his removed if you succeed in getting him out. (Though a new start for you does sound better, somewhere with intact doors for a start.) Landlords have to be sensitive to personal circumstances and cases of abuse. Again, seek legal advice.

Who are these people that think he’s a nice man? They can only be his friends and family as you have none of your own. Try not to worry about what they think. At some point they won’t be in your life any more.

I would also say that while it’s going to be difficult you mustn’t let your son’s feelings sway your decision. He’s a child and you’re the adult. It really will be a case of what you say goes.

[guguta]

I understand you, it is a normal thing, sometimes such things happen and the most important thing is to overcome this problem to come to normal life. (detail removed by Moderator)

[Author]

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