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Aside from all the controlling things he does to me when we’re in the privacy of our own home, I can’t even go out without him pestering and critising me.
Everytime we go out and are walking or if we are in a shop, especially a supemarket I’m apparently – “not being vigilant to people around me.” “Get out of the way”, “you’re blocking the way”, ” can’t you see people are trying to get past”…
I’m not in anyone’s way, people can walk past, if for any chance I am blocking someone wouldn’t they just politely say excuse me? I would quickly make way apologising if I did – which I do anyway like any other person.If I tell my partner “I’m not in the way” or “there’s enough space”, he tells me –
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Now, I always just nod in agreement as I don’t want to cause a scene but is this not one of the most misogynist statements ever? He says this EVERYTIME we go out. He does other things e.g. walk with your head up, don’t slouch, don’t look at them (men), don’t point, (If I’m talking about my make-up) don’t touch your face, don’t raise your voice …etc The list goes on.
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My ex began to humiliate me in public. It got so bad I stopped socialising. Didn’t want to go anywhere with him. He made me an anxious nervous shell of a person. Don’t let it get to that stage. You should look forward to going out with your partner x
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What makes it worse is that he says it in such a way that others would think he’s looking out for me or being helpful but its just constant and unecessary.
Unfortunately KIP I think I’m already at that stage. I’m so self conscious about my appearance because of him and I get anxious about most things. I definietly don’t look forward to going anywhere with him. I’d rather he goes out and I stay at home. Everytime.
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The ex abuser treated me like a piece of sh.. in public. He humiliated me in front of people. The way he said things sounded as if I was incapable of even crossing the street on my own. People looked at me in pity and he gave the impression that he was really looking out for me.
Since I left I eat what I like, I became fat and I did not dye my hair for a long time. I did not wear any makeup and I did not put on any jewellery. I wear rags in which I feel comfortable. I wear oversized fleece clothes, hahaha! And ugly shoes and bags. It is just a recent thing that I look after myself again better and I feel I want to look pretty again. But this time it is for myself alone and it has more to do with expressing who I am instead of looking nice for anybody. I joined the gym and I try to lose weight, although I am not very disciplined with that. I love to eat whatever catches my eyes, as I was not allowed to do this for years. Eating whatever and whenever I want has become a part of feeling free and content. I claim the space that I need for my size in public transport and I fight with people who try to remind me that I use too much space, hahaha! I am not bothered anymore about my looks at all. I simply do not care about it. I enjoy that the abuser has no say in anything I do and feel anymore. Now everything is about myself. And if I look after myself it is all about my personal health and how I express my personality.-
Ayanna it’s great to hear of your freedom and how you can do what you want. I wish I could be like this all the time. I have snippets of freedom like when I go back to my mum’s of eating what I want I want but then I feel guilty about doing so and kind of have to do it secret because I don’t want anyone to tell him.
He controls everything I eat. When I’m with him – he does all the cooking (sometimes just boiled poatoes with a few veg for the WHOLE day), he does all the shopping and basically we eat rations. I’m not big – I’d say I’m average (removed by moderator) but if I tell him I’m hungry – he starts calling me ‘joke’ names like blubber and little fatty, baby whale. I just laugh along but I really don’t think it’s funny.
I never used to wear handbags but he forced me to wear one everyonewhere because its more ‘feminine’. Come to think of it he has bought almost half of all the handbags I wear today. He’s conditioned me to like them now but thinking back to before I met him – I didn’t own one.
Like you, If I’m at my mum’s I wear oversised hoodies and tracksuits that I want. Sometimes just wwear my pyjamas all day because they so comfortable and I can’t wear them with him anyway.
I never used to wear make-up, but he says I have to when I go out to make me look older and for and fit in with the rest of society. If I had it my way, yes I’d still wear make up – but not all the time. As for hairstyling – he literally tells me what style to wear. One It took over two hours to find a hairstyle that HE liked just so that we could go out to the shops. Every style I do I have to get his permission first “oh that looks to formal” or “that soesn’t look nice” , “you need to find different styles”. I have one go to style I like becuase its quick neat ad presentable but after a while he says something like “oh you’re not doing that style again” and have given that style a nickname which I don’t like. Yet in spite of all of this, he tells me I shoulldn’t spend more than 15-20 min doing my hair….I mean, you can’t have it both ways.
I do wish I had permanent freedom to what I want when I want.
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