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I’ve been with my husband (removed by moderator) and I’m pretty sure he’s emotionally abusive and controlling but I feel confused by his behaviour at times and of course he says it’s all me. I guess I’m posting on this board because I know some people have it much worse and I know he doesnt hit me and I don’t want it to sound trivial. It’s the first time I’ve posted so theres a lot of back story. I met him when I’d left an abusive relationship so I was in a vulnerable position. He told me the mother of his (removed by moderator) was abusive and n**********c and I believed him. He seemed like such a great person. Kind, caring, sweet and sensitive. He was always surprising me with little gifts, nights away and bubble baths with candles etc. After the relationship I had before I felt like is won the Jackpot. He had children and so did I and they all got along. I was so happy. Now I look back there were so many alarm bells and whether I ignored them or didn’t see them I don’t know. (Removed by moderator) he asked me if I was looking at a man in the other car and I wasn’t. The way he said it should have made me realise but I ignored it. I (removed by moderator) had an abortion and it was the most traumatic experience. I remember being in a&e after something had gone wrong and I was bleeding heavily and he was worried incase his someone his ex knew might see us together. I was in a state and he should have been more concerned about how I was feeling. I think in retrospect he was probably still seeing her too although he would deny it. Anyway time went on. I became pregnant again (removed by moderator) and he proposed. I had the baby and we got married (removed by moderator). There are all sorts of things which he does but at times I find it hard to put my finger on them and I often feel as though I’m going mad. He is a very jealous person. He doesnt like me wearing anything even marginally low cut/tight/short or revealing in any way. He never tells me I cant wear something but makes his feelings very clear. He says it’s because he knows what most men are like..he doesn’t like too much makeup and went through a stage of making a big deal if I wore lipstick- especially red as it’s a ‘seductive’ colour. Also lipgloss is an issue. He will often not say anything for a while if I’m wearing something he dislikes or I look like I’ve made an effort he will just be off and different and seem annoyed and I’ll ask what’s wrong and I’ll be told nothing is until it eventually becomes an argument. He doesnt like me going on nights out with friends as you can imagine. He again wont say I cant go but if I tell him something is coming up and I’ve been invited he will be off for weeks and suggest we just go for a meal instead of a night out (removed by moderator) He is over sensitive to so many things and if we have a small disagreement he will act as though I’ve been awful and it’ll turn into a big argument. He says I dont give him enough attention, that I clearly don’t find him attractive as I don’t show him. I think I’ve just got to the point that I’m so hurt by how he treats me that I can’t be loving like I used to be because when he’s horrible he hurts so much more. He will say regularly that I must be looking at other men as I’m not doing things with him. He will always ask what I’m doing at work and who I’m seeing during my day. I know its because he wants to know if its men but if I suggest that’s the reason he will play dumb and act like he’s hurt I said it. I feel like I could write so much but nothing will explain how I feel. (Removed by moderator) I struggle to cope at times. I constantly feel on edge and am always waiting for the next argument. Or to be told I’m not doing A, B or C. I have taken days off work as I end up with migraines after arguing. He thinks it’s all me though. He’s apparently like this because of me I know I should leave and take my children as its not healthy. But I feel so ashamed that I’m in yet another horrible relationship. That we will be back to square one with no where to live. I have no friends or family for support. I genuinely feel broken. I’m struggling through every day and I try to switch off from how I feel as I’m in a job where I have to support others and I have children who need me to he a happy mum. Ita not real happiness though it’s fake. I’m devastated he isnt who I thought he was and it’s so hard to accept. I really thought this was my happy ending I’d wanted for so long but I’m starting to accept that it’s not. I’ve told him the things he does are not ok. Ive asked him to go to counselling but it’s always turned around onto me. He accepts no responsibility for any of his actions. Sorry that was so long. I’ve just kept it inside for so long. I portray this happy family to social media and I always hope things will change. I’m so heartbroken. Scared for the future and just needed to vent. I’ve contacted a DV charity and have spoken with them. I hope this will help too. Thank you if anyone managed to read
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Well done for reaching out and I’m sorry you’re going through it. If you haven’t done so already, please call the helpline. The support I’ve had has been invaluable. They really do know their stuff. Your husband sounds very possessive and controlling and you are right it’s not healthy for your children. Try not to worry about what might happen if/when you leave because no one knows what tomorrow will bring. Today is all we have and today you’re getting support. That’s a victory 🙂 x
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Hi Butterfly
Welcome to the forum and well done for reaching out. Please don’t downplay what you are feeling and experiencing. It’s never trivial. You deserve to be genuinely happy. Don’t worry about what other people think, it really doesn’t matter. Don’t beat yourself and see yourself as failing. All you’re guilty of is being manipulated and that really can (and does) happen to anyone. You are stronger than you know. Wishing you luck.
Camel
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Tour husband sounds exactly like mine. Mine constantly checks up on me and when he comes home from work asks who IV been messaging. He is so possessive he asks me if IV been with anyone else before we are intermate with each other which puts me off but I do it anyway. It feels like your going mad most of the time.
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I definitely feel like I’m going mad. His new thing is to ask where bruises have come from (I just have random bruises on my legs as I bruise easily and one on my bum) I know he’s suggesting i got them from doing something with someone but he doesnt say that outright. Yes always asking what I’m doing on my phone too. He says I’m always on it and it makes him feel like I’m talkin to someone. I should be cuddling up to him instead apparently. Sometimes I just do it to keep the peace but then it becomes an argument about how we ‘never’ do this anymore. It’s just exhausting.
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