- This topic has 16 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 4 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
-
Hello Denise,
I just wanted to offer some support here as it sounds like things are feeling really difficult at the moment. I can hear that you are feeling trapped and it’s understandable that you’re feeling low, but I’m glad you are reaching out and sharing this.
I hope things are feeling a little brighter today.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
No Lisa,
Harder today, (detail removed by moderator). Why can’t he be kind to me, I do still love him. Stupidly!
-
Hello Denise
You sound at the end of your line in tolerating his abuses, and being continually disappointed of hoping he’ll one day be kind when you need him to be.
You love this man, and I suspect more than that you are trauma bonded to him, needing him to make everything ok, as you have perhaps spent many years with him throwing your emotions about all over the place on a whim.
The only way we can survive abuse is by compartmentalising the ‘love’, from the ‘hate’. That the man you love frequently hates on you, and that hate is fully part of him, not a different side to him. Women use the phrase Jekyll & Hyde character as they swing between the two,however, both are the same person. The love-bombing is also abuse, because its insincere. Its used as a tool, like the hate, to manipulate and control you into the position he wants you to fill at any given point.
We live in hope that they will change, or finally ‘see’ how much they are hurting us, but they don’t. Time and time again they continue the same patterns with the same controlling tactics and all it does is destroy us.
My heart goes out to you it really does, continually facng this in your daily life. Have you spoken to any domestic abuse agencies so that you have someone to lean on in your life? There the national DA helpline also, and the chat facility on here.
Keep reaching out for the support you need and deserve. All wil try to help you.
warmest wishes
ts
-
-
-
-
Hi Denise
You are as much an idiot as any of us that have spent years suffering this. This is not something they want you to know about them, so its hidden. If you’re looking out for it on day 1, you have a better chance at spotting it, but if not it is a very complex dynamic to understand, and the swinging between the love and hate causes chemical attachment to them, which is hard to break as any addiction is.
Its hard to see, its hard to understand, and its hard to escape it. All any of us ever wanted was for it to stop, but sadly it doesn’t. It makes us all feel like idiots, like anywone who have ever been taken advantage of, but the responsibility and blame for that is entirely on him. You went into this genuinely, he did not, and he wasn’t about to tell you that straight out. They are slippery, and scary, and it takes time to work through. You’ve started doing this though, started facing up to what he is doing, and what its doing to you. Its a big step towards full realisation of whats been going on, and you processing that, which will lead you to decisions about the way forward for you.
They pick on human weakness and exploit it at every turn. Everyone has their weaknesses and we trust others that we let into our lives to not be cruel to us, however, those are targets for an abuser and will be exploited to control you.
Look out for you, take good care of yourself, prioritise you.
warmest wishes
ts
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Dear Denise please don’t be so hard on yourself. These people are unhealthy manipulative and toxic – we are not which is why we still live in hope.
I’m so sorry to say that they will not change.
I’m still in the relationship and am so embarrassed to be. Because I now know he never actually cared. His “kindness” was and is an act – playing with my emotions. Because we are genuine we cannot understand it. And because we are in it and embroiled in the emotion we are tangled up in the web of deceit.
They are masterful manipulators.
We can’t begin to imagine how they think.
It’s good you are sharing and reflecting as we all are. I am still processing things after so so long. But that’s fine,it’s making us learn things about ourselves, do we love and respect ourselves?
Take care. -
This has been an interesting thread to read. Words like ‘genuine’ resonate with me. I’ve been saying to friends that I’m being honest, I have nothing to hide, but he isn’t being honest at all. This thread has helped me to understand his behaviour a little. I’ve fooled myself into thinking he didn’t know what he was doing, with the manipulation and gas lighting, but I think that’s wishful thinking isn’t it? He knew exactly what he was doing from day one didn’t he? And as I got stronger and he could control me less, there was no point him hanging around was there? I feel such a fool for having been taken in by him for (removed by moderator) years.
-
-
Hi Denise sorry to hear things are so tough for you. You really are making huge steps though speaking to the doctor and I hope you can access the counselling it will help you to begin to process that abuse is not your fault it’s the fault of the abuser only. And yes they really do know what they are doing. I’m afraid his good spell is probably another act to keep you hooked in and to keep the confusion so that his control is maintained. Please take care and take all support offered x
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
