Can’t think straight anymore

[Learntoliveagain]

I’m not quite sure where to start…..
My friend passed on your details to me after I broke down and told her what my husband is like (not all the time). Ive been following the forum’s for a few weeks now building up the courage to tell someone what really goes on in my life.
To most people he is the life and soul of the party and funny etc
My close friends know that he can be a bully and that I’m not happy, but I don’t have anyone to tell how bad things have been. Its only my children that know how awful he can be at times, but don’t know the full extent and don’t want them to every know that about their dad.
I feel alone and trapped, he makes me feel like I’m going mad and its me causing the problems.
He even tells me now that he is walking around on egg shells to keep me happy and that I need to see someone because I’m going mental.
I’ve been with him (detail removed by moderator) and we have two wonderful group up children.
I knew from the beginning of our relationship things weren’t right when he wanted me to tell him how many partners I had before we meet (not many) and what I had done with them. When I wouldn’t tell him he would say he would leave me. When I eventually gave in and told him he would constantly bring it up and question me when had been drinking and he would get really nasty. I even had to write down, names, dates and details of what I had done. He did eventually stop doing this when I found out he had cheated on me (detail removed by moderator). It doesn’t stop him having a dig every now and then even though it’s been (detail removed by moderator).
I’ve now finally realised that over the years he has controlled and manipulated our relationship in and out of the bedroom. In the past he has always threatened to leave me if I didn’t agree to do what he wanted. When we argue it is my fault and I’m the one that always has to try harder. He tells me (detail removed by moderator). When he says keep him happy it usually means sex (which I’ve now lost interest in as I feel used, which is making things worse)
I just didn’t see what was happening until (detail removed by moderator). While I was receiving treatment I spoke to a pain physcolgist and she said I needed to stop trying to hold everything together and look after myself.
Unfortunately its been like Pandora’s box I can’t stop thinking of all the awful things that have been done or said and how bad he has treated me at times. It’s like it’s all on reply all the time.
I’ve tried talking to my husband but he gets upset (then I feel guilty) that he thinks I’m saying he has abused me. Then I can’t say anything else.
I’m trying to be stronger and stand up for myself and not get dragged into his arguments or listen when starts shouting and swearing, its so hard. I’m so unhappy and feel trapped. He is drinking a lot now and he blames me for this (detail removed by moderator).
He stops one thing then starts doing something else, I know have to justify why I’m going to bed early and(detail removed by moderator). Even told me what time I got bed (detail removed by moderator). I know he was drunk when he said this but it still hurts when he wants this much control. He then texted saying (detail removed by moderator).
Then this morning it was like nothing had been said.
So confused….
I’ve read about n**********c behaviour and he has so many of the characteristics yet I still haven’t got the strength to leave him. I still feel I’m having to hold the family together and be responsible for his happiness. He really does make me feel I losing my mind.
Yet he can be so funny, nice, generous and caring when he wants to be.
He holds all the cards the house is in his name, I don’t drive so if I moved away I would loss my job.
I’m so sorry for rambling on and for such a long message.
I just want this mess to end.

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome. Have you had any legal advice. You may well find he doesn’t hold all the cards financially. The law says 50/50 split of marital assets is the starting point so get some legal advice and know the facts. Not what delusional nonsense he may have told you. Gaslighting behaviour from them makes us feel crazy. Invalidating our feelings makes us feel depressed. Take a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Perhaps it would be good to speak to a therapist who is trained in domestic abuse but don’t tell your husband you’re doing this. Talking to abuses about their behaviour is pointless.

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi KIP, and thank you.
I haven’t taken any legal advice yet, but I guess it’s time I do just so things are a little clearer. It’s so unfair that after so many years having to deal with his moods and cope with him, I feel so guilty getting help and logging on to this site.
I’ll take a look at your recommendation, thank you.
The less I try to get dragged into an argument the more he tells me I’m playing mind games with him and that I’m the one with the problem.
I know if I was leave him, he would tell family and friends it was all my doing, I know it shouldn’t matter but it does.

[Rose1]

Hello there, a lot of what you write is familiar to me. Every disagreement is my fault..if I dare question his behavior he loses his temper, shouts swears at me, especially when he’s been drinking, and I often get the silent treatment until I try to make amends..and this may be because one of our children are due to visit so I’ll do it for them..so there isn’t an atmosphere..sadly it seems once they know they have this control they use it. I’m glad you have friends that are aware of whats going on..hold onto that as you move forwards.

[Learntoliveagain]

Thank you for your support. It is such a comfort to find support here, but the same time it’s so painful to realise that the man you have shared more than half your life with has been abusing you mentally and on occasions physically and that when you read someone’s post it could of almost been written by yourself.
For years I just believed it was just the way he was and that he would mellow as he got older, but of course that never happened.
How do you find the strength to leave when you’re already on your knees. It takes so much energy as well keeping up the pretence outside of the home that everything in your life is ok.
It’s like he knows what I’m thinking and he’s getting worse, because in the past I have always given into his moods and demands just to make it stop and have a few months of calm. He’s pushing me to do the same again and I so badly want to stay strong and not back down this time.
It feels like it’s a game for him that he has to win all the time no better how it hurts me.

[Hawthorn]

Acknowledging that our intimate partner has been abusing us is incredibly painful @Learntoliveagain. It takes immense courage and you are very brave to be posting here. Be very kind to yourself and keep reaching out for support. Your local womens aid or GP should also be able to help you.

He will have most certainly have noticed the change in you, remember he has been studying you for years. He knows exactly where to apply the pressure to make you give in to him. Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship because when abusers feel they losing control they can escalate. So be the very best actress, go along with him and start to keep a secret journal to record the abuse. Do not confront him, he feels completely entitled to treat you this way and so talking to him about it is both pointless and dangerous. He will only twist things to make it your fault anyway.

Keep reaching out and educating yourself. Try reading WHy Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, it’s available to read for free online, you could read it on your phone. Knowledge is power and is how how you will see your way clear. You dont deserve this, but you can escape it. Sending a big hug xx

[Jedi warrior]

Hi I’m new on here too recently found the courage to post I can relate to a lot of what you are going through bedroom control turning things around on us messing with our emotions but remembering the good parts I have had hours of councilling which has helped speaking to someone experienced in domestic abuse is most helpfull I havnt left yet but will when I can I still find myself questioning how bad things were but I know how it’s made me feel taken me years to reach out but glad I have it’s very daunting but everyone deserves to be happy

[Lazarus17]

I can relate to everything you say – I’ve been where you are. It does take strength to leave, and even more strength to have no contact. After all, we’ve been “trained” to be compliant. It’s unbelievably difficult to go against that training (conditioning). But IT IS do-able. I’m proof of that. And I don’t consider myself exceptionally strong 🙂 But it was/is the single most difficult thing I’ve ever done.

You will reach a point when you cannot stay – you will reach your own breaking point. He’s probably already sensed that you’re nearing it (mine did too). Although he can’t read your mind, he can “read” you (And in likelihood has always been able to do so – it’s their skill). So be careful. I found it useful to keep a log of events (I made a new email account and emailed them to myself – always logged out after!!)

Good luck and stay strong xx

[Learntoliveagain]

I just want to say that I’m so grateful for the support and the understanding from everyone on here.
I’ve been meaning to post something the last few days, but found myself getting emotional every time I found myself opening up.
I’m trying really hard to pretend all is well, but my husband is making it so hard. He keeps pushing for an argument especially when has been drinking its like he has been thinking about us all day and as soon as I get in from work he starts. I try and walk away and say I don’t want to argue, but he just follows me into another room and keeps on or, he totally ignores me.
Everything I say or do at the moment is winding up, yet he thinks that I should forget and put up with how he is treating me and stay in bed with him on a weekend morning and have sex. I just can’t, do that anymore the last few times I’ve made myself do that he has been all over me but as its over he has put me down and I end up feeling totally rubbish and worthless.
I’m feeling guilt for telling people what he is like it feels like I’m betraying him. I feel ashamed that I cant stand up for myself and I’m letting him do this. Also a deep down pain that I’m never going to be able to forgive him or forget the things he has done now that I finally have come to terms with our relationship.
Since meeting I’ve tried to be his perfect girlfriend/financee/wife, mother to our children, housewife, lover and friend and its never been enough he has always wanted more.
I just don’t have anything left in me to give. I just wish he would have enough of a this and leave me.

[KIP.]

You could be the most perfect partner in the world and he would simply change the goalposts and continue to abuse you. It’s because he chooses to abuse you. He enjoys abusing you and it makes him feel big. This lightbulb moment was what I needed to end the relationship. I knew I’d given my everything to the point I was exhausted and breaking down. There is nothing you can do to stop his abuse. He’s going nowhere so it’s up to you to slowly taking baby steps out. Gather a support network. Women’s aid. GP. Family friends and a solicitor and police if need be. Read Living with the Dominator and contact your local women’s aid and the national domestic abuse helpline x

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi KIP
In the last few days I’ve seriously thought I was going to have a nervous break down. I can’t stop crying at work, I can be out walking and start thinking of my life and cry again. I’m struggling to switch off my emotions now.
My husband has realised that I was not engaging with him and he has gone from losing his temper and screaming at me, to promising he will change this time.
On the night he lost his temper, I went to bed he then came up a couple of hours later when he had stopped drinking and kept bouncing around on the bed and banging stuff around just to keep me awake, elbowing me in the back (he had a day’s holiday the following day, and I still had work in the morning). I knew he wanted me to say something so he could kick off. So I kept quiet waiting for him to fall asleep and went to sleep in the spare room.
I then started getting text messages saying that everyone hates him and he was going to leave and he would out of our lives for good. He didn’t leave…
He is now promising, to try not to speak to me like sh*t and he knows he isn’t perfect and that he can’t undo the past but wants to try again, and for me to stop thinking about it. Not for me to throw our marriage away and that he loves, and I need to meet him half way though. He wants things to be back how they were.
I haven’t said anything and he is now pushing me for for an answer.
God I wish I could say I’m done and I have nothing else to give and just walk away, but I know he knows I’ve always given in, in the end. Plus I really don’t know how he would react if I said I want to split up.
So frigging tired of his mind games.

[KIP.]

Google the cycle of abuse and contact your local women’s aid for support. He knows exactly what he’s doing and abuse always gets worse. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman, and remember abusers are liars.

[Learntoliveagain]

I’ve just googled cycle of abuse and it was like reading a description of my (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship.
How could I of thought it was just the way he was and he couldn’t help it.
Seeing it in black and white is frightening, the more I read up and read other people’s posts the more I have to come to terms with the fact my husband has been abusing me and knew exactly what he was doing.
The crazy thing is if anyone else was to treat me the way he does he would be physically violent towards them, but he is ok to do it.
He said last night he hates himself when he is cruel to me, yet he still does it…
I’m going to try and call a local women’s aid for support. Feel so disloyal doing this, which makes me then feel weak and I’ve only got myself to blame for not leaving.
I’m stuck in the cycle and want to get out but I’m to scared too make that leap.

[Camel]

You called your post ‘can’t think straight anymore’. And you need to hold onto this. None of us can think straight when we’re right in the middle of it. When you feel disloyal or a failure or uncertain – remember that you’re not thinking straight. Please call the help line. Or confide in your GP. Or got to Boots and ask to speak to someone in confidence. Whatever you do, break the silence.

It will be terrifying imagining a future without him in it. But isn’t it more terrifying to imagine a future with only him? Countless years the same as all the others? You don’t need to take a ‘leap’. Just one little step.

[Learntoliveagain]

Thank you Camel and everyone else for taking the time to message me. I can’t put in words how I feel being able to finally say what my life has been like and not feel like I’ve been responsible for it. The support from you all has been so helpful and kindness so greatly appreciated.
Can I ask how you start the conversation off with the help line with out emotionally breaking down. I know that sounds stupid, but I’ve never said out load how bad things are and I’m worried that once I start crying I won’t be able to stop.
I have come to terms with the fact that he will never change. He sends me text messages now late at night when I’m asleep and he his downstairs drinking. Knowing that the first thing I see when I wake is him accusing me of not caring, not loving him anymore and that I’m making him paranoid and that why he is the way he is. He tells me I have to take some of the blame as I’m not perfect. I know I’m not perfect no one is but don’t think I’m to blame anymore.
I’ve tried not replying when I see them but he says I’m ignoring him and then gets angry.
I think he is pushing me to say I can’t do this anymore and ask him to leave, but I worried what is reaction will be. As I mentioned in my first post the house is in his name, he might be waiting for me to say something just so he can get his own back on me and tell me to go straight away. Or he might cry then turn nasty, it’s the not knowing how he would react that stops me.
My two children are both adults and know how bad things are (but don’t know the full extent). I think they would understand if I said I couldn’t stay with him anymore. I do know though they would worry about how he would cope on his own (they would worry that he would end up drinking more and not looking after himself or doing something stupid to himself while drunk – after an argument he once jump in the car after drinking then sped off, ended up just going down the road to the garages and slept it off. I spent the whole night calling him, leaving messages, thinking he was going to kill himself). They are going to feel torn. I hate the thought of doing that to them.
You said Camel about imaging countless more years doing this, and really can’t bear the thought of being this unhappy for years to come.
So…. I’ve made a small step not a leap and contacted a solicitor to find out what my rights are financially (appointment booked (detail removed by Moderator)).
Thank you again Camel,KIP,Rose1,Lazarus17, Hawthorn & Jedi Warrior and to all the other incredible ladies that post on here, for giving me a little bit of your strengh xx

[Camel]

Hello, I know it’s early days but just wondering how you are.

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi Camel, thank you for checking that’s really so thoughtful.
I’m not sure what to say anymore, but that is the most comforting thing about coming on here. I don’t feel I need to find the right words to try and make you understand, because you all know, we’re all going through it or have gone through it.
The more I read up about abuse the more trapped I feel with what is going on. I feel so emotionally disconnected from my husband. I don’t want him near me and he knows it, I can feel my body tense when he comes near me especially inbed (perhaps it has always done that, but I never acknowledged it). I just can’t hide it anymore. I’m remembering things that he has done in the past, pressuring me into things that I clearly didn’t want to do, but he didn’t care as long as he got his own way.
How is that possible, that I’m only now remembering certain things and how it made me feel?
Why am I only starting to see my marriage for what it was/is?
Why I can’t stop the memories flooding back now.
I’m going into work as if I don’t have any concerns in life when in fact I’ve got my past and present being replayed on loop in my brain. I just want to hide away and cry, until I can’t cry anymore.
Also the closer to the solicitors appointment (detail removed by Moderator) the more anxious I’m getting.

He is finding new ways to control the situation and put me in my place. When our children are around if I disagree with him now he says “see what I have to deal with now, I can’t even talk in my own house”. If I say anything in my defensive I’m just confirming what he is saying. He is making out he is the victim all the time, especially after he has been drinking. I can’t say anything without him twisting my words. It feels like I’m losing my mind. When I try to explain myself he starts yelling and swearing. I want to tell him to read about abuse as he a is text book example , and that I know what he is doing but he would flip if he knew what I’ve been up too, reaching out for help.

When I’m not at home I think I am strong enough to say “enough is enough” until I’m stood in front of him, then I just say what he wants to hear.
I’ve tried speaking to a support worker but the chat line is so busy, so I’ve sent an email to them.

Thank you again Camel for your support its like a virtual hug x

[Hawthorn]

Oh @Learntoliveagain really well done reaching out to a solicitor. I’m sure you know to keep it under your hat and not tell him but I do understand how difficult it is when we’ve been conditioned to tell our abusers everything and explain ourselves constantly which is why I’m reminding you. Your silence is your power, tell him nothing.

Dont feel bad about phoning the helpline and crying. I would think most us here have been there and they will be well used to it. If you need to cry, then do. Allow yourself enough time away from him to have the call and collect yourself after. Another option is to communicate with them by email, you could ask about that when you phone up at the beginning. I used the text service when I first reached out. Remember you only have talk about what you you feel comfortable talking about, they will not pressure you. It’s your story and your journey, and you decide the pace.

Your husband is an adult. You’re right that sadly he will not change. As an adult he is responsible for himself. He is not yours, or your adult children’s responsibility. If he’s an alcoholic that cant take care of himself that is his responsibility to fix, not yours. You have spent enough of your life trying to fix him, and to no avail. We are all only responsible for ourselves and our young children if we have them. If he threatens to hurt himself call for professional assistance. It is a common tactic of abusers. My abuser controlled me with his threats of suicide for years. If you look up the power and control wheel you’ll see it listed under emotional abuse.

You will escape this. There is a free and happy life waiting for you. We are here to support you.

Good luck, sending strength and a big hug xx

[skyfish]

i can only say for me leaving was the best and bravest thing i have done – you will find if you do as I have that once you step away the realisation of what you were living with will give you the strength you need to start a new life x in a matter of days after mine assaulted me (yet again) and i finally had the courage to dial 999 all those conflicting emotions fell away and i am thinking clearer than i have in decades.. yes its scary but going round and round with no resolution or peace of mind is so much worse

[Bettertimesahead]

Learntoliveagain, your story is v similar to mine. My husband left after an incident several months ago. I have 2 adult children at home. The youngest kept some contact with his dad until another incident and now he doesn’t want to know. They both say how the house is so much better now, they can enjoy their home etc. I still have a long way to go and no idea if I can stay in house but I have no regrets. My husband is alcoholic, has received support but doesn’t accept it. He threatened suicide many times. None of it is easy but keep posting here. We will all get through it eventually xx

[Learntoliveagain]

I feel my children (both in their (detail removed by Moderator))would feel the same as your children. When it’s just the three of us the house feels calm and peaceful. I spoke to my daughter at the weekend about the situation and I was so upset to hear her say that she doesn’t want to move out and leave me on my own with him.
The guilt I feel for putting his feelings and trying to keep him happy before my children’s happiness is enormous.
My husband has a real problem with alcohol but he will never admit to being an alcoholic. He just says he could stop anytime he wanted he just doesn’t want to because he would have nothing else to do in his life, and the reason he drinks more is because I’m boring and sad because I don’t want to go out with him anymore.
I’m glad to hear though that if you try to stay strong there is a light at the end of the tunnel and there is a chance of happiness for the three of us without my husbands constant put downs and criticism.
Thank you for the support and for reminding me that our stories are all so similar and I’m not alone x

[Rosemary]

I got so many things on my mind I cant sleep
Propley and when i try to sleep i got pulplations in my heart none stop i feel physically and mentally worn out i cant remember the last time
When I had a good sleep and when I do sleep my
Partner wakes me up I feel drained out . The pulplations makes me feel like I am going to die
Or have a panic attack negative thought of my
Partner abusive plays on my mind I cant seam to close the negative thoughts . How his treated me and he carry on to do the same he makes me worry
The worry more so I have on my mind is that his
Not paying rent propley and we already had a letter before saying to make sure payments are paid in full on time other wise they will do court proceedings. I worry for me and my children what would happen if we ever get advicted because of him not paying rent will me and my children get rehoused the rent is in both of our names so not sure how it works if they ever tell us to get out of the house his not thinking of me or my children
I cant access any money as he resives it all . I cant relax my heart is hurting me

[Learntoliveagain]

Hello
I was just wondering if anyone could give me some advice. I’ve got my solicitors appointment on (removed by moderator) and I’m getting so anxious and nervous about it. I can’t shake off this feeling of guilt and deceit for going behind my husbands back. Please don’t get me wrong I know I really need to do this but I’m so worried what his reaction will be when he realises wwhat I’ve been doing, telling people about our personal life.
I don’t want to waste a free consultation so was wondering if you could suggest some things that I need to remember to ask. I have a feeling I’m going to be an emotional mess having to tell her personal and upsetting details about my marriage. It might help if I’m a bit more organised and prepared.
Thank you.

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi everyone,
Well I had the solicitors appointment yesterday and I’m feeling a little shell shocked. She was very direct and straight to the point. I tried to explain I just wanted advice about the house just being in his name, but she wanted to talk about divorce and the proceedings. Which made me panic, then I got upset as I thought she was going send a letter to my husband and he doesn’t even know I want to leave him yet. I just wanted to end the conversation there and then.
She did reassure me though that it makes no difference if the house is in his name only. It’s a martial home so legally at least 50% of the property is mine, so at least I now know that when he throws it in my face, that it’s his house and if I don’t like the way things are I can leave. I’m reassured that he can’t keep using this as something to keep me in my place. So that was positive.
Weirdly I feel more upset today than I have in a while, but I don’t have that hopeless feeling anymore so that’s good. I loved him so much and literally I have done everything I could to keep him happy, but now I feel emotionally empty like he has chipped away at my love and there is nothing left except a feeling of hurt. I’m trying to find some strength and to try and stop feeling guilty and deceit full for getting support.
I also just wanted to apologise, I’m not great at replying to your messages, sorry, but I am grateful for your support.
I did reply recently to Camel and Bettertimesahead but I’m not sure if you receive notifications letting you know. I hope you didn’t think I was being rude by not replying.

[Camel]

I’m not very good at replying either!

I hope you’re feeling OK since seeing the solicitor. It sounds like you felt out of control in the meeting. I think it’s important that you take things at a pace you feel comfortable with and with someone who understands your fears. Ask directly about her experience in cases with abusers. If you’re not completely happy it’s your right to shop around. Solicitors work for us, not the other way around.

I hope you’ll continue to ignore those guilty feelings. You are not deceiving him. He’ll get to know your plans in good time. Don’t give him the benefit of more time – he’s had years to treat you decently, with love and consideration. It’s time to look after yourself.

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi @Camel,
You’re absolutely right I felt so out of my depth I hated it. She was so hard and to the point and she kept talking about not walking away with nothing and getting what I deserve financially. All I want is to walk away quietly and know that half the house belongs to me when we would have to sell it. I wanted to say what I think I deserve is a peaceful and happy life not having to second guess my husbands mood that’s all I want.

I’m trying so hard not to feel bad about how I feel about everything and I haven’t thought about what is best for me since meeting my husband.
Knowing the truth about something then deciding that you can’t ignore the verbal & emotional abuse any more feels so much harder at the moment than putting up with it.

So grateful for all the support and advice everyone gives. Thanks Camel x

[Camel]

Hello again 🙂

From what you say, your solicitor sounds great. She’s determined to get you your fair share, which is only right. She’s told you you’re entitled to half the house, which must be a comfort. But if/when you decide to divorce there’ll be other things to consider. Your partner will play dirty. Take this time to document all the abuse. Keep text messages. Speak to your GP. If you haven’t engaged the solicitor yet, read up on your rights and entitlements. So that you’re ready when the time comes.

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi, yes it is a comfort about the house especially as he likes telling me it’s his house and he can do what he likes in it as it’s his name on the deeds/mortgage etc… so at least I know now that whatever he says I know the truth of what I’m legally entitled too. It won’t be a great deal but it would be enough to start again.
As always thank you for the valuable advice.
I somehow just need to gain enough strength and belief in myself to start a plan and move forward.

[Camel]

Don’t let on that you’ve seen a solicitor and know your rights. I googled your situation and found this. Don’t be alarmed, knowledge is power!

“The law recognises that your family home is treated as a special type of asset. The courts appreciate that married couples tend to treat their family home as belonging to them both, even if it is in the name of just one of the spouses. However, where a property is registered in the name of just one spouse it does create a risk that the owning spouse could sell or mortgage the property without the non-owning spouse consenting or even being made aware of what is happening. The consequences of this could be catastrophic. So when separating or getting divorced I would recommend that the non-owning spouse should consider registering their marital right of occupation in respect of the family home.

Registering a marital right of occupation is a straightforward process. Once the application has been processed the owning spouse will be notified that an entry has been placed at the Land Registry.

It is important to note that this registration only protects a right of occupation and does not in itself give rise to a financial entitlement. But it does safeguard the non owning spouse while financial matters are sorted out by ensuring that they will be made aware in advance of any attempt by the owning spouse to raise funds on the family home or sell it behind their back.”

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi @Camel,
I’m definitely not saying anything to him until I have to.
Thank you for the warning re the message.
All the legal stuff sounds so awful and b****y hard work my husband never wants to lose face etc. Everything is seen as a competition he has to win whatever the cost is financially or emotionally for him.
How on earth does anyone find enough fight left in them to do this.

[Eggshells]

Hello Learntolive again. I’m so sorry not to have responded before. I’ve been busy trying to keep my head above water.

Camel has a very good point about registering your marital right to occupation. Be aware that he will know that you have done this so it would be advisable that once you step onto that path, you’ll need to keep going.

It is a good idea to find a solicitor who is used to dealing with abuse. You need someone who won’t inflame the situation and who has a realistic expectation of your settlement.

A starting point is that all assets that you and he have accrued since you started co-habiting, including both of your pensions, the house, cars, savings are spilt 50/50. Then they look at both of your needs. If one of you needs greater financial support than the other, that will be factored in.

I would also suggest that you find your marriage certificate and hide it somewhere safe, perhaps with a relative. If you choose to start divorce proceedings, you won’t be able to do it without your marriage certificate or a certified copy.

I’d also recommend that you try contacting your local domestic violence charity for support. If you can get a keyworker from their outreach programme, it can sometimes help. Be aware though that the effectiveness of support workers varies from place to place

Please don’t be afraid to call the chat line, they will be very used to hearing people cry. Take as long as you need. They’ll wait and listen.

As you have described, once you understand that you’re in an abusive relationship, the scales fall away from your eyes and you can be hit by memory after memory and realisation after realisation. Please keep talking and try not to bottle it up.

The ladies here have a vast wealth of experience and understanding that is a collective powerhouse. Support workers may have studied abuse, friends will try to support but personally, I’ve found that the only people who really get it are the ladies on the forum.

Take care. From another over 50. xx

[Learntoliveagain]

Hello @Eggshells,
Thank you for your message. I hope you’re ok and today is a good day for you.

I definitely can’t do anything re the house at the moment, he would go crazy finding out I’ve gone behind his back. Like you said for me to do that I would have to have my bags packed to leave straightaway or at least a plan of action.

I’ve only been on this site for a short time and already I’ve found this is my safe place to say how I’m feeling. When you all say I know how you’re feeling you mean exactly that, and the advice is from the heart. Thank you.

I’m trying to let go of my memories but I’m so scared that if I let myself go through the feelings and start recalling other things I might not be able to cope. I can’t let myself full apart as he will say I’m mental or blame it on my age or say I’m blowing everything out of proportion.

People that say just leave like it’s the easiet thing in the world have no idea what our lives are like.

X

[Camel]

You won’t fall apart. You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You’ve had to be to cope for so long.

You worry ‘he will say I’m mental or blame it on my age or say I’m blowing everything out of proportion.’ Believe me, he could try, but he’ll end up looking ridiculous, desperate and thoroughly unpleasant.

Concentrate on taking those small practical steps. There’ll be time enough later to deal with the memories. x

[Eggshells]

No, they really don’t understand. They have no idea about the fear, the trauma bonding, the interdependence. I can’t see why they would really. If you’ve never experienced it, it must be hard to understand.

In my experience your body and mind will protect you from the memories. You kind of distance yourself from the feelings. It feels like you’re telling a story rather than actually connecting to the events. If your shield does come down, the refreshed feelings of trauma puts it right back up again.

Honestly, I don’t think it’s safe to recall too much too soon. Your mind will let it happen in small, manageable chunks and it will hopefully disconnect from the emotion. To connect properly and safely you’ll need a good counsellor who is trained in domestic abuse.

I found that telling my story on here really helped. The is a really good thread (old now) called “this is my abuser”. If you can find it, it’s an excellent way of getting it all out and if you read through the posts you’ll understand how similar our experiences are. It’s a very uniting post.

We all have very different contributions on this forum. Some people are very direct (they say it as it is) others are more emotional. It’s a perfect blend. Whatever our style, we’re all here for each other and everyone cares and understands.

Sending hugs. xx

[Nellie]

Hello
I hope you are ok,this is so hard for us.
You have been amazing and you have made progress in a difficult situation. Remember what a good, caring amd kind person you are always. This is you. You will find other parts of you again as time goes on and step back into yourself-it will take time but you will get there.
Peace is something we crave because our lives are filled with being hyper vigilant amd it is exhausting.
Don’t be put off by your solicitor- it is a shock sometimes when people are so direct and remember your experiences. You can find other solicitors who may have a more gentle approach- and don’t be afraid to say what you need from them. It could help them in their own approach and business!
We are so conditioned to not make requests for our needs it becomes normal.
I have followed ypur thread and we are frequently distracted at times like this so don’t worry about it and do it in your own time. We all understand that.
You are a strong woman you can do what is needed and get where you need to be x*x

[Learntoliveagain]

Dear @camel, @Eggshells & @Nellie,

I just wanted to say “thank you” for your kindness, support and great advice.
I’m still trying to find some inner strength to tell him it’s over.
He’s talking about stuff he wants to do in the future (holidays etc) and it’s destroying me because I don’t want to be part of his future, because I know what our future looks like and ìts more hurt and tears.
Thanks again to you all for messaging me and for being here for me when I need someone to talk to xx

[KIP.]

You don’t tell an abuser it’s over. This is how you get hurt and how you give him the opportunity to manipulate you and pull the rug from under you financially. I know it sounds harsh but it’s dangerous. Talk to your local women’s aid about a safe exit plan. That could be you leaving or obtaining an occupation order so that he has to leave until the house is sold. Keep a detailed journal of the abuse, any evidence you have and get copies of all financial documents and important documents. Bank statements marriage certificate etc, when an abuser feels he’s losing control he will try to force you to commit to bigger things which keep you tied in further. Large purchases, debt can keep us trapped. Holidays. Remember they use fear Obligation and Guilt to control us. The FOG of abuse x

[gettingtired]

Hello, I can relate to so much that has been said on this post. Mine also has a drinking problem (won’t admit it though and thinks because he isn’t being found passed out drunk that it’s ok), I also get the bombardment of late night texts from another room blaming and accusing me of all sorts. It’s so anxiety inducing.
The NDA helpline completely understand if you can’t talk because you’re upset. This was one of my greatest fears (I don’t ever cry in front of anyone!) and it prevented me from calling helplines for a long time really. However, last week I had a meltdown when I had planned to leave and couldn’t go through with it so I rang them. There were times when I struggled to talk but the lady was very understanding. She also didn’t give a wishy washy approach which my local DA service did. She told me outright that from what I had told her that he is nasty, violent and will never, ever change. It’s a bitter pill to swallow but it helps to hear that. I’d really recommend calling them if you get a chance just to get things off your chest a bit. It can be difficult to get through sometimes so you can just leave a voicemail with your name/number and a safe time for them to call back. I think they call back on a private number. Also, if you know you only have a small space of time for them to call back before it’s unsafe to talk you can let them know in the voicemail and they will try to prioritise your call back.
I agree with Kip above, confronting him about leaving is not advised. This is when things could turn nasty once he thinks he could be losing control.
Anyway, I hope you’re doing ok. It’s so hard but being able to talk to people who truly understand on the forum makes a huge difference.
Lots of love X*x

[Author]

Posts