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    • #121916
      Learntoliveagain
      Participant

      I’m not quite sure where to start…..
      My friend passed on your details to me after I broke down and told her what my husband is like (not all the time). Ive been following the forum’s for a few weeks now building up the courage to tell someone what really goes on in my life.
      To most people he is the life and soul of the party and funny etc
      My close friends know that he can be a bully and that I’m not happy, but I don’t have anyone to tell how bad things have been. Its only my children that know how awful he can be at times, but don’t know the full extent and don’t want them to every know that about their dad.
      I feel alone and trapped, he makes me feel like I’m going mad and its me causing the problems.
      He even tells me now that he is walking around on egg shells to keep me happy and that I need to see someone because I’m going mental.
      I’ve been with him (detail removed by moderator) and we have two wonderful group up children.
      I knew from the beginning of our relationship things weren’t right when he wanted me to tell him how many partners I had before we meet (not many) and what I had done with them. When I wouldn’t tell him he would say he would leave me. When I eventually gave in and told him he would constantly bring it up and question me when had been drinking and he would get really nasty. I even had to write down, names, dates and details of what I had done. He did eventually stop doing this when I found out he had cheated on me (detail removed by moderator). It doesn’t stop him having a dig every now and then even though it’s been (detail removed by moderator).
      I’ve now finally realised that over the years he has controlled and manipulated our relationship in and out of the bedroom. In the past he has always threatened to leave me if I didn’t agree to do what he wanted. When we argue it is my fault and I’m the one that always has to try harder. He tells me (detail removed by moderator). When he says keep him happy it usually means sex (which I’ve now lost interest in as I feel used, which is making things worse)
      I just didn’t see what was happening until (detail removed by moderator). While I was receiving treatment I spoke to a pain physcolgist and she said I needed to stop trying to hold everything together and look after myself.
      Unfortunately its been like Pandora’s box I can’t stop thinking of all the awful things that have been done or said and how bad he has treated me at times. It’s like it’s all on reply all the time.
      I’ve tried talking to my husband but he gets upset (then I feel guilty) that he thinks I’m saying he has abused me. Then I can’t say anything else.
      I’m trying to be stronger and stand up for myself and not get dragged into his arguments or listen when starts shouting and swearing, its so hard. I’m so unhappy and feel trapped. He is drinking a lot now and he blames me for this (detail removed by moderator).
      He stops one thing then starts doing something else, I know have to justify why I’m going to bed early and(detail removed by moderator). Even told me what time I got bed (detail removed by moderator). I know he was drunk when he said this but it still hurts when he wants this much control. He then texted saying (detail removed by moderator).
      Then this morning it was like nothing had been said.
      So confused….
      I’ve read about narcissistic behaviour and he has so many of the characteristics yet I still haven’t got the strength to leave him. I still feel I’m having to hold the family together and be responsible for his happiness. He really does make me feel I losing my mind.
      Yet he can be so funny, nice, generous and caring when he wants to be.
      He holds all the cards the house is in his name, I don’t drive so if I moved away I would loss my job.
      I’m so sorry for rambling on and for such a long message.
      I just want this mess to end.

    • #121922
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi and welcome. Have you had any legal advice. You may well find he doesn’t hold all the cards financially. The law says 50/50 split of marital assets is the starting point so get some legal advice and know the facts. Not what delusional nonsense he may have told you. Gaslighting behaviour from them makes us feel crazy. Invalidating our feelings makes us feel depressed. Take a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Perhaps it would be good to speak to a therapist who is trained in domestic abuse but don’t tell your husband you’re doing this. Talking to abuses about their behaviour is pointless.

    • #121936
      Learntoliveagain
      Participant

      Hi KIP, and thank you.
      I haven’t taken any legal advice yet, but I guess it’s time I do just so things are a little clearer. It’s so unfair that after so many years having to deal with his moods and cope with him, I feel so guilty getting help and logging on to this site.
      I’ll take a look at your recommendation, thank you.
      The less I try to get dragged into an argument the more he tells me I’m playing mind games with him and that I’m the one with the problem.
      I know if I was leave him, he would tell family and friends it was all my doing, I know it shouldn’t matter but it does.

    • #121937
      Rose1
      Participant

      Hello there, a lot of what you write is familiar to me. Every disagreement is my fault..if I dare question his behavior he loses his temper, shouts swears at me, especially when he’s been drinking, and I often get the silent treatment until I try to make amends..and this may be because one of our children are due to visit so I’ll do it for them..so there isn’t an atmosphere..sadly it seems once they know they have this control they use it. I’m glad you have friends that are aware of whats going on..hold onto that as you move forwards.

    • #121963
      Learntoliveagain
      Participant

      Thank you for your support. It is such a comfort to find support here, but the same time it’s so painful to realise that the man you have shared more than half your life with has been abusing you mentally and on occasions physically and that when you read someone’s post it could of almost been written by yourself.
      For years I just believed it was just the way he was and that he would mellow as he got older, but of course that never happened.
      How do you find the strength to leave when you’re already on your knees. It takes so much energy as well keeping up the pretence outside of the home that everything in your life is ok.
      It’s like he knows what I’m thinking and he’s getting worse, because in the past I have always given into his moods and demands just to make it stop and have a few months of calm. He’s pushing me to do the same again and I so badly want to stay strong and not back down this time.
      It feels like it’s a game for him that he has to win all the time no better how it hurts me.

    • #121970
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      Acknowledging that our intimate partner has been abusing us is incredibly painful @Learntoliveagain. It takes immense courage and you are very brave to be posting here. Be very kind to yourself and keep reaching out for support. Your local womens aid or GP should also be able to help you.

      He will have most certainly have noticed the change in you, remember he has been studying you for years. He knows exactly where to apply the pressure to make you give in to him. Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship because when abusers feel they losing control they can escalate. So be the very best actress, go along with him and start to keep a secret journal to record the abuse. Do not confront him, he feels completely entitled to treat you this way and so talking to him about it is both pointless and dangerous. He will only twist things to make it your fault anyway.

      Keep reaching out and educating yourself. Try reading WHy Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, it’s available to read for free online, you could read it on your phone. Knowledge is power and is how how you will see your way clear. You dont deserve this, but you can escape it. Sending a big hug xx

    • #121979
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      Hi I’m new on here too recently found the courage to post I can relate to a lot of what you are going through bedroom control turning things around on us messing with our emotions but remembering the good parts I have had hours of councilling which has helped speaking to someone experienced in domestic abuse is most helpfull I havnt left yet but will when I can I still find myself questioning how bad things were but I know how it’s made me feel taken me years to reach out but glad I have it’s very daunting but everyone deserves to be happy

    • #122089
      Lazarus17
      Participant

      I can relate to everything you say – I’ve been where you are. It does take strength to leave, and even more strength to have no contact. After all, we’ve been “trained” to be compliant. It’s unbelievably difficult to go against that training (conditioning). But IT IS do-able. I’m proof of that. And I don’t consider myself exceptionally strong 🙂 But it was/is the single most difficult thing I’ve ever done.

      You will reach a point when you cannot stay – you will reach your own breaking point. He’s probably already sensed that you’re nearing it (mine did too). Although he can’t read your mind, he can “read” you (And in likelihood has always been able to do so – it’s their skill). So be careful. I found it useful to keep a log of events (I made a new email account and emailed them to myself – always logged out after!!)

      Good luck and stay strong xx

    • #122236
      Learntoliveagain
      Participant

      I just want to say that I’m so grateful for the support and the understanding from everyone on here.
      I’ve been meaning to post something the last few days, but found myself getting emotional every time I found myself opening up.
      I’m trying really hard to pretend all is well, but my husband is making it so hard. He keeps pushing for an argument especially when has been drinking its like he has been thinking about us all day and as soon as I get in from work he starts. I try and walk away and say I don’t want to argue, but he just follows me into another room and keeps on or, he totally ignores me.
      Everything I say or do at the moment is winding up, yet he thinks that I should forget and put up with how he is treating me and stay in bed with him on a weekend morning and have sex. I just can’t, do that anymore the last few times I’ve made myself do that he has been all over me but as its over he has put me down and I end up feeling totally rubbish and worthless.
      I’m feeling guilt for telling people what he is like it feels like I’m betraying him. I feel ashamed that I cant stand up for myself and I’m letting him do this. Also a deep down pain that I’m never going to be able to forgive him or forget the things he has done now that I finally have come to terms with our relationship.
      Since meeting I’ve tried to be his perfect girlfriend/financee/wife, mother to our children, housewife, lover and friend and its never been enough he has always wanted more.
      I just don’t have anything left in me to give. I just wish he would have enough of a this and leave me.

    • #122241
      KIP.
      Participant

      You could be the most perfect partner in the world and he would simply change the goalposts and continue to abuse you. It’s because he chooses to abuse you. He enjoys abusing you and it makes him feel big. This lightbulb moment was what I needed to end the relationship. I knew I’d given my everything to the point I was exhausted and breaking down. There is nothing you can do to stop his abuse. He’s going nowhere so it’s up to you to slowly taking baby steps out. Gather a support network. Women’s aid. GP. Family friends and a solicitor and police if need be. Read Living with the Dominator and contact your local women’s aid and the national domestic abuse helpline x

    • #122433
      Learntoliveagain
      Participant

      Hi KIP
      In the last few days I’ve seriously thought I was going to have a nervous break down. I can’t stop crying at work, I can be out walking and start thinking of my life and cry again. I’m struggling to switch off my emotions now.
      My husband has realised that I was not engaging with him and he has gone from losing his temper and screaming at me, to promising he will change this time.
      On the night he lost his temper, I went to bed he then came up a couple of hours later when he had stopped drinking and kept bouncing around on the bed and banging stuff around just to keep me awake, elbowing me in the back (he had a day’s holiday the following day, and I still had work in the morning). I knew he wanted me to say something so he could kick off. So I kept quiet waiting for him to fall asleep and went to sleep in the spare room.
      I then started getting text messages saying that everyone hates him and he was going to leave and he would out of our lives for good. He didn’t leave…
      He is now promising, to try not to speak to me like sh*t and he knows he isn’t perfect and that he can’t undo the past but wants to try again, and for me to stop thinking about it. Not for me to throw our marriage away and that he loves, and I need to meet him half way though. He wants things to be back how they were.
      I haven’t said anything and he is now pushing me for for an answer.
      God I wish I could say I’m done and I have nothing else to give and just walk away, but I know he knows I’ve always given in, in the end. Plus I really don’t know how he would react if I said I want to split up.
      So frigging tired of his mind games.

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