Can’t wait to get old and life is over

[Surviving]

All life deals me is s**t cards. The when I finally do find happiness the EX finds a way to ruin it. Courts fail us. We are left to suffer and no help from them they just leave us in situations where we can continue to be abuse and harassed by these men. Everything my EX does he gets away with it. My poor little girl told me she don’t like sleeping at dad’s because she has to see his Willy in the mornings because his drawers are in her room. Well it’s his and his girlfriend’s room while my little girls isn’t there. There is no room for her there. He makes her late for school now on his days as he takes the partners kids school first. I just can’t live my life being controlled and upset by that poor excuse of a man

[Lisa]

Hi Surviving,

I’m sorry to hear about how you are feeling at the moment. It sounds like your little girl isn’t enjoying the child contact, also sounds like the room arrangements are inappropriate. It must be difficult for you to hear that from your daughter. It is unacceptable that perpetrators use child contact to continue the abuse.

You may find it useful to contact the Family Rights Group on 0808 801 0366. They are a charity that can advise parents, in situations where decisions have been made relating to their child’s welfare.

I also hope you are accessing some support from your local domestic abuse service. You deserve support with this.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Surviving

how are you getting on there? I was sorry to hear how things are now for you both. Did you speak to the Family Rights Group about your circumstances? How did you get on.

its horrible feeling failed by the courts, and even after going through that ordeal, still being abused and noone does anything.

Can you keep a journal of things, write up all the stuff you have been told by her, word for word, ask others around, like teachers, gp, health visitor, etc. to keep an eye on her. How is she when she comes home? Does she seem very unsettled. Have a chat to her with the gp and she if she can tell you both what she thinks of her visits.

Are you about to do contact through a third party? Is this court ordered sleep overs, despite knowing there is no space for her?

warmest wishes ts

[Surviving]

Haven’t spoken to family rights. Don’t feel there is any point anymore because it never gets me anywhere. I feel like I’m the one going crazy. Yes it is court ordered sleep overs. I don’t have anyone who can help do handovers.
He is now demanding what he wants for Xmas holidays because they are to be split 50 50. He pretty much has asked for all of it.(Detail removed by Moderator) I told him it was unreasonable I would have done I have 1st week and he has 2nd week. Then I was saying he could have Xmas day and boxing day and he would have the new year too. He wants mediation. I refused I’m not sitting in a room with him telling everyone what they want to hear but then he will change as soon as we leave.
She says she wants Xmas with me and her brothers and made it clear she didn’t want to wake up with Dad on Xmas. Bit now he says she wants to be with him. But shensais he is making her feel bad

[KIP.]

Whoever has Xmas week this year gets new year week next year. You make the decision and tell him what’s happening. Take back control. No mediation and try to get a contact centre sorted. Keep going x it’s contact with him that will keep knocking you back down x

[freedomtochoose]

Yes, KIP is right alternate christmasses and birthdays is what we have been doing for years and despite the hurdles it means I never need to argue about it, I just text him the dates on a second phone that I don’t have to look at every day.

These days are emotional days, but we get round it by saying that we don’t need a single day on it’s own to celebrate, but the Christmas and birthday celebarations go on for several weeks….this takes the pressure off.

all best
ftc
x

[Surviving]

I have to pay 100 for the contact centre. He is not willing to compromise on anything he has sorted all the days he wants her and that’s that. So I ended it by saying I have 1st week and henhas 2nd week. I said he can have Xmas day and boxing day and I said he can have the new year as I’m working anyway. But it wasn’t good enough and he wants mediation. I refused so no idea what will happen now. (Detail removed by Moderator) He is making her feel bad because she wanted to be home with me and her brothers for Xmas. My head is proper messed up right now and I’m trying so hard not to go back i to depression. Sometimes I feel I have to just give him everything he wants

[freedomtochoose]

No love, you won’t. You may find that if you go to mediation it may be to your advantage as another person will see that he is behaving unreasonably. Otherwise may be better to go straight to court.
all best
ftc
x

[Twisted Sister]

Please don’t make your daughter go away for christmas when she can’t say it clearer that she doesn’t want to go. She only has you to trust to protect her.

If you stop contact he will have to take you to court over it. She should not have to go to him under those circumstances.

If she’s already in an inappropriate situation there shouldn’t be any sleepovers until she is givn a private space. Please make sure you can’t be accused of being complicit in ‘allowing’ this situation to continue as it will become her normal, as she matures it will only become worse.

I don’t think you are complicit or wanting to ‘allow’, your hands are tied, your resources few.

Keep calling rights of women and family rights group. I am really concerned that courts condone this arrangement, its inappropriate, and he’s behaving inappropriately around her.

Please trust your instincts. She doesn’t want to go, support her in that and dictate what she wants, word for word. Write to the court, rights of women can help you with this.

Warmest wishes ts

[Surviving]

Thank you x*x

[Anonymous]

The staff at the contact centre won’t agree to your child going with her/his father if its against her will.They are governed by child protection laws. My daughter kept refusing to go each week. It dragged ou but eventually he gave up and so did the centre. We exhausted all avenues. It did go back to court but with enough evidence, ie diary of how he/she felt,behavioural changes, emotional problems. Councelling can help and they can write a report for court also GPS letter,WA child support worker. If you can prove contact is detrimental and affects health all round it is enough. No contact is better than abusive influence over a child. Take care xx

[Surviving]

I went to see my doctor today and explained everything that is still going on with my ex. I told her about my little one and her emotionally abusing her and the bruise when he lost his temper etc. She wasn’t happy that social services haven’t done anything. So she is going to call them and talk to them. Do doctors have influence over them. Do you think the doctor will be able to help

[Tiffany]

It might not be enough to immediately change things, but if you keep accruing evidence then things should change. Obviously I hope that what the doctor says is enough – your ex sounds totally unfit to have contact with your kid. But keep reporting your concerns even if this doesn’t change things. The contact centre thing sounds good too – partly because as the poster above stated, it allows your daughter to refuse to go if she wants to, but also because you will then have trained impartial witnesses to the state your daughter is in when she is returned to you.

[Surviving]

Contact centre said I have to pay 100 for the consultation and have to pay to use them

[Twisted Sister]

Well done with your GP visit, and yes, tats a ig step towards the evidence needed. Court might be ordered through contact centre. You don’t have to do anything except tell him that he’ll have to get in touch with them if he wants contact with her, then they can see for themselves how happy or otherwise your daughter is to be with him.

Keep strong love,you are doing the right things. If he wasn’t abusive you wouldn’t have to go to these lengths and with GP on side there is a better case for your withholding contact, would a court rule against GP evidence in child protection, a lot less likely

Warmest wishes ts

[maddog]

It really can feel as though the odds are stacked against us as women, especially women with children. The odds are stacked against us. The law is an a*s. The whole thing makes my blood boil.

Fury aside, there are so many fantastic people to help us along this treacherous path. Tapping into the help we need takes time and persistence.

CAB may be able to help you. I know that my local one has a solicitor come to visit about once a month and it’s possible to get free legal advice.

If you don’t already have a WA outreach worker your gp can refer you. You have been so dragged down by all this. It is absolutely not your fault. Are you getting support for your mental health? I really hope for you that things start falling into place. It a terrible situation to be in. You are not alone. Please keep breathing. Whatever you do, keep afloat. You need you and so does your child.

[Surviving]

Doctors didn’t help. Socials advice still say they won’t get involved. I have to seek legal advice even though cafcass said if I take it back to court I could loose my child. So that’s it I give up and he gets away with it all and carry on abusing us all

[Author]

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