Caught between a rock and a hard place

[Forus l]

Hello lovely ladies

I’m so glad this forum is here so women can support other women.

I can’t put the full story here as it’s very long and hard to explain on text.

Long story short, after a (detail removed by moderator) year marriage I left my abusive ex. It was incredibly hard as I tried to leave many times. He would always threaten suicide and tell me I’d be responsible (he took an overdose when I tried to leave a year into the relationship).

He was very emotionally abusive to me and my children. Violence was always implied.

He threatened to kill me. He threatened to kill other people.

He was a bully in every sense of the word.

Anyway, I managed to get him out. I reported the abuse to the police. A few other witnesses to his abuse came forward and offered to help the police with their investigation.

(detail removed by moderator). Then my ex started harassing me. He started messaging me saying he would kill himself and it would be my fault. I called and reported him to the police. He then told the police I was crazy.

After the police left he sent me messages saying he would mutilate himself. So I blocked him. I changed the locks to the property.

He then started emailing me saying he was going to turn up at the house we jointly owned to take the children’s dogs. (My children are from a previous relationship and they adored the dogs).

I called the police on seven different occasions (detail removed by moderator).

This went on for months with my ex stalking the property. Sending me emails. Me reporting to the police and the police stating he had every right to access the property.

I started dating a friend he started staying at the house for mine and the children’s protection.

One day my ex broke into the property, assaulted my boyfriend and took my daughters dog (it’s classed as matrimonial property).

I had to apply for a non molestation order which was granted without notice and with the power of arrest to protect myself and the children.

My ex then started sending messages via a third party trying to blackmail me with the dog. Basically remove the non mol and agree to have a legal document drawn up so he has complete access to the house and other dog (and access to us) or we wouldn’t see the dog again. My daughter who was a teenager was extremely distressed. She still is.

We didn’t agree and I reported this to the police as it was a breach of the non molestation order. (detail removed by moderator).

Six months on and he hasn’t been to the house. But the non mol ends in a few days.

I’m extremely concerned as I own half the property and as I had to take a loan out to pay for the non mol (£6k in solicitors fees) I’m now financially stuck here. I can’t move out as I can’t afford to rent anywhere. The divorce is in process but I’ve been told it could take another year to deal with the financials. I’m in an isolated location and I’m trapped.

If I leave the house, I would have to declare myself bankrupt and I doubt I’d be able to rent anywhere due to my credit history being affected. If I stay, myself and my children are at risk.

My son (detail removed by moderator) stability is critical at the moment.

My daughter has already been seen by mental health professionals for anxiety and trauma.

I’m no longer with my boyfriend as it didn’t work out after everything that happened.

I don’t have any family, but my sons father is a good man and he would have him if we had to leave the house.

Any advice would be appreciated as I’m not sure what I can do?

[Lisa]

Hi Forus L,

I thought I’d reply here as it’s unfortunately very common for perpetrators to try and keep the abuse going for as long as possible, even when the relationship has ended, and others reading your post I’m sure will be able to identify with your situation.

I’d encourage you to speak to DV Assist regarding the Non-Molestation Order. Even if you’re not eligible for legal aid they may know of some other support/ be able to put together a plan for you to access another NMO/ extend your current one. https://www.dvassist.org.uk/contact-us

I’d also encourage you to contact your local domestic abuse service as they might be able to give you a 1:1 worker to provide you with some advocacy with the police. They may also be able to make sure your property is safe and secure (maybe even help install some CCTV), or also be able to support you in getting the NMO. You can search for your local service here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

If you need to speak to a Women’s Aid Support Worker you can do so here every Monday-Friday 10am-12pm: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

I really hope you’re able to get some support in place soon. Please do keep posting to let us know how you’re doing,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[KIP.]

I can’t believe you had to pay £6k for what is illegal and the police should have been dealing with him. Arresting him and giving him bail or warning him to stay away. If he owns half the property and he is entitled to return legally you can bet that’s what he will do. Ring Rights for Women and ask about an occupation order. Contact your local women’s aid and victim support. You could try for an extension of the order. If that doesn’t work you could threaten court. I’m assuming he objected to the non mol hence the huge bill. How is he paying for it? Depending on what country you could apply for the non mol yourself without solicitors. It might be easier if it’s just an extension to an original one. The fact that he breached it should go in your favour. You can also ask for the police to help. You need to build a support network round you.

[KIP.]

Could you sell the property and buy somewhere else or use the money as a deposit for somewhere else. Go into a refuge and get help with a local council house. The council have a duty to rehome victims. Ring the helpline number on here for more advice.

[fizzylem]

Gosh. He sounds like a peice of work.

Was thinking that myself, 6K for a non mol, I think it’s £85 for the application. I would have a go at getting an extension, self rep. I think the police can advise when an occupation order can be applied for – you could call for advice.

Yes def call Rights for Women as well for free legal advice.

Its complicated isn’t it; think I would want to sell the house and start a fresh, totally get this, but you also want to maintain stabilty for your son / children, not have this upheavel but also know this would put you into financial difficulties and housing difficulties; but staying also feels hard to live with and hard to get the protection in place you all need.

It will be a lot better once you have divorced and officially split the assests / sorted the financials hey, as during this process you can make sure you seperate completely from the house. If this is going to take a year plus that is a long time, I see your priority as trying to make the place, you and your children as safe as you can with court orders and relying on the Police for help when needed.

I’m not sure why you feel you would need to make yourself bankrupt if you were to leave the house. Have you taken financial advice?

Unfortunately it takes a long time to seperate completely from these men, and it’s stressful, distressing and depressing until we do. It’s hard to even get to the starting again line.

I imagine you are in a better, stronger financial position if you stay in the house but you need to feel safe dont you. If he were to stay away for good then would you be happy here? Want to stay? If so then this is what you need to do and get the protections you need. If not, then maybe start getting your ducks lined up and make each step a step towards making this happen.

In the meantime call the Police when needed. If you feel this scared about living in your home then I would suggest calling them to talk this through to see if there is anything else they can do to help; they can make your number a priority call.

Also call Victim Support, as they may be able to assist in making the house safe and secure x

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