Caught my partner spitting in my food

[Sunflowerdwarf]

My partner has not been himself for (detail removed by moderator) I’ve been trying to encourage him to go to the doctor to get support with his mental/ emotional health.

We had a baby a few years ago, and it got worse after this.

I felt he was becoming angrier with me, has raised his fists a few times during an argument but never hit me although appeared to want to.

He will often not stand up for me with his family, who don’t respect my boundaries.

(detail removed by moderator)

He then said he would make me another one despite me saying I would make my own.

When I was sitting in the living room I just had a strange feeling and I looked around, and without a hesitation I saw my partner, who I had no reason to think would do such a nasty thing, spit in my food.

I’m actually in so much shock, I’ve cancelled our wedding. I’m devastated that someone who is meant to love me would do this to me, regardless if he hasn’t been communicating how he feels or has grown to resent our relationship. There has been other things such as lying, withholding things etc but nothing like this.

He has already been to the doctor and has arranged couples counselling (detail removed by moderator)

I’m worried if we split he won’t go to counselling then where does that leave our child and I will never know why he did this?

Should I tell him to leave immediately? I know this seems stupid to ask but at the weekend I was in love with this man, and our life even tho we have have experienced loss and ups and downs like a lot of couples but I thought we were muddling through, and I had planned to spend my life with him so I’m very conflicted.

I’m devastated for me and my child.

I was in an emotionally/ mentally abusive relationship before and I feel like I’ve just made the same mistake again picking someone the same as my ex I feel so stupid.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Sunflowerdwarf

It’s sad to read your shock and huge disappointment at what you’ve now seen and realised is what you once thought of as loving relationship, and totally believed in.

In terms of abuser behaviours, it’s one of many that you would never suspect and reel in total shock from seeing first hand. He’s shown you who he is. It’s likely that, yes, as you say, he upped the abuse once you had your baby, as this is very common because you now have a little one making demands on your attention, love and care, which naturally you want to give.

It’s vital that you hold onto how this has made you feel, to keep you strong for your safe-keeping and that of your child. If he can spit on your food, so close and behind your back, it has to raise the question of what else he’s done, or would do, and that you’ve seen another side to him that makes your ‘relationship’ a whole other proposition, including marriage.

Regardless of any previous experiences, most will try positive manipulation when you first meet, and that will go on all the while it’s needed, but once a milestone which ties you in is reached, like a child, or living together, or marrying, this is a catalyst point for change in them, when the mask starts to drop and the anger and intimidation starts.

It’s not about you ‘allowing’, or being responsible in any way for his behaviour, or not seeing it, and therefore somehow ‘stupid’, yes, it does make one feel stupid, but that is just one of the many symptoms of abuse.

You couldn’t have made him do this, and his behaviour and manipulation don’t make you stupid. You have had a full facial behind the mask, and you have experienced a normal reaction to that.

You could chat on the chat link from here for support around your situation, and get links to local services and so on.

Please do keeping talking and working through this shock and it’s implications for you all.

warmest wishes

ts

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