Changing everything at once is so hard, just need to remind myself why

[Sunnymayday]

It’s been probably a year since I posted here. I’m fighting my way out of a long marriage, older teenage children. I knew it felt wrong, but it took a counsellor and two very good friends to make me see that it was abusive. And, although I can see it intellectually, a significant part of me still thinks that I have over reacted and have blown everything up for nothing.

He criticised me constantly. Looked for flaws, physical and in my personality. Actually used to sit and stare at me and tell me that is what he was doing. Told me I needed a nose job, face fillers, needed to tone up (I was always underweight when I was with him). Wrong smell, wrong teeth, wrong skin, wrong hair. Too scared, couldn’t (detail removed by Moderator), wasn’t clear when I spoke to people, talked too much, inane chat, bored people.

He chased women constantly. Said I w*d lucky he wasn’t having affairs. But fell in love all the time, and told me. Told them. Told his friends. Compared me to these women. Tried to get off with them in front of me. The children saw it. It became their normal. He said he couldn’t help it, he couldn’t change. He said it was because he was so sensitive and special.

The sex was abusive. He couldn’t actually have sex, that stopped (detail removed by Moderator). Instead he wanted to dress up, hit me, humiliate and punish me. He told me that sex was about power and control, and everyone else was lying when they said it wasn’t. Told me I frigid but wanted me to have affairs. I didn’t.

Told me I wasn’t trying hard enough. Eventually, after an awful summer, I just collapsed inside and it all unravelled. So now, he’s gone, divorce is half way through and I have to sell the house. He’s left me to do everything and I’m just finding it so hard.

I’ve got to move us from a big family house into a two bed flat. The children are resigned to it, but sad. I’ll have to throw so much of their stuff away, I am heartbroken. I feel like I’m being so selfish and ruining their lives, but I nearly had a breakdown and I couldn’t go on.

And work is the same. Same dynamic with my business partner and I’m back to drowning. When I say anything, I’m not being heard, because he won’t listen. Exactly the same dynamic and I do understand it and why I got into it. It needs to change, but I can’t just leave, I need the money.

So that also has to change, but this is all taking so much of my energy, I am struggling. I spent yesterday wanting to die again. I’ve dragged myself out of it today, but I feel wrecked.

So, I think I just needed to remind myself that the alternative, which was staying, was actually worse.

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely, right now you’re in the battlefield and boy are those days tough. You’re keeping yourself going, keeping your kids going, being left to sort out the new world AND the old world without help, you’re breaking the trauma bond, you’re helping your kids through a massive change, (do I go on?) all whilst living with the aftermath of having your confidence systematically shattered, told your useless and no doubt still facing forms of abuse. Now…when you look at it that way you’re still standing, still moving forward even if it’s baby steps – I’d say you’re doing a blooming good job. There are definitely days it all feels too much but these men pick strong women. Be kind to yourself, you got a LOT going on right now, it’s ok to have bad days & need help or a rest. That new flat will be a happy, safe place and yours! You got this. xx

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