Changing the goalposts

[Daisydo]

I was determined I was getting this all sorted in the new year, we have just been existing in the family home for the last (detail removed by moderator) months, not been nice for the children and I didn’t want it to go on anymore. So when I tell him this, he acts all surprised, like it was a bolt out of the blue and says he thought I was going to suggest councilling to sort everything out, not break up. He doesn’t think he deserves the way I have treated him, no affection or acting like his wife. He doesn’t get the damage was initially caused by his behaviour. He agreed to move out, said I deserved to stay in the house with the kids but then he has not moved out. Keeps saying things like can’t we try & just carry on living as we have been and that it’s not fair for him to loose his home, etc. He says I’m just thinking of myself and hiding behind the children, using them was an excuse to stay in the home. I told him I will find somewhere to rent, thinking he won’t possibly let me move out and uproot the children just so he gets to stay in the house? Wrong, he said he will help get us all settled in somewhere, just when you think they can’t disappoint you anymore!! I quite like the idea of moving on somewhere new, but I’m scared and begrudge that he stays in our decent size (detail removed by moderator) house while me & kiddies move somewhere smaller.
I just want out, he thinks he hasn’t been that bad and doesn’t deserve to lose us all. As a mum, I will protect my kids whatever it takes, he doesn’t think they have been affected by anything they may have seen going on between us!! It’s all about him, him, how will he cope?? Getting to the stage where I don’t really care anymore, just so disappointed, again.
Sorry, a little of a rant!
DD xx

[PurpleHedgehog]

Hi DD

Just wanted to send you some support. This sounds exactly how I expect my next few months to go. He is already playing the victim here.

I am sorry he is being a berk. You are spot on, the disappointment is so tough. But you carry on protecting your little ones and yourself from this corrosive behaviour.

You are not responsible for his life. Thos is what I keep saying to myself. He is an adult. And most of all he doesn’t care how hard he makes it for me so why should I be bothered if the shoe is on the other foot?!

Anyway sending you loads of positivity

PH x

[KIP.]

Hi,I just wanted to let you know of my experience which is very much like yours but I have hindsight. He knows exactly what he’s doing to you and his children. He absolutely knows he’s abusive and that his behaviour is cruel and confusing. That’s the whole point. I saw a great YouTube video about verbal salad. It’s totally pointless arguing with your abuser. You know what you want. He knows what you want but there’s no way he’s allowing you to take control and tell him what’s happening. He knows you’re extremely unlikely to move your kids out of their home, that’s why he uses reverse psychology to unsettle you. He knows even if you did this he could use this a him playing the victim. Poor me. My wife took my kids etc. You won’t ever ever win an argument with him. My advice is not to discuss this with him. You’re simply giving him ammunition to fire at you. Behind the scenes make your safe exit plan. Either source another home for you and the kids and move without him knowing or seek legal advice to have him removed from the property. If you’re covert enough, keep a journal and tell your GP his abuse is making you mentally ill (this is so you can document for court). Please understand that you cannot ever negotiate with an abuser. His goal is to destroy you and regain control. Your goal should be to be free from him and totally zero contact. Using third parties for all communication.

[Anonymous]

My ex done pritty similar thing so he told me that we could have the house literally got it all sorted spoke to the landlord to get signed over to me. I told him he could not come and go as he pleases and that that would need to be pre arranged for turning up for his child etc at the last point the day the landlord was coming with contract etc he changed his mind and didn’t go through with it. I think he thought if he made this as a gesture that would be u enough for me to think he had changed, this was not the case. I lost a lot of my possessions furniture sentimental things from when my child was born. But now looking at it if he had of went through with it he will never have seen that as my home he will always of thrown it in my face that he let me take over the house he will have turned up when ever he wanted and I would even more so have been looking over my shoulder. I moved in with my parents so he can’t just turn up but he does drive past all the time and make me aware of it. If I was on my own with my son there would be no boundaries for him he would do what he wants. It’s gonna take me along time to get back on my feet and breaks my heart that I’m back to square one and lost a lot of sentimental things but it’s one less hold he has over me with the house that he would have have over me.

[Author]

Posts