27th June 2016 at 2:19 pm #20220AnonymousInactive
So I decided that I wasn’t going to post. I thought that all the posting is what is making me feel so negative as I had a fairly good week last week, but still felt awful. I thought that if I tried being positive and living positive that maybe things might change for the better.But here I am again, feeling drained and emotional…
I have been threatened on many occasions that he will cheat on me. That if I dont give him what he wants, he will find it somewhere else and that I shouldnt think he will allow me to get out of the relationship. I always thought they were hollow threats to get what he wants, that he would never do it, but the past few months his behavior changed.
Usually I was allowed to use his phone if I really needed to, but these days I am not even allowed touching his phone. He keeps on changing his passwords on social media, on his email and his phone, where he used to be very open in the beginning after I caught him lying to me about a number on his phone. He told me it was his cousin, which I know he doesnt have as his father is an only child and when I dialed the number it was his ex. He had no explanation and fought with me instead for phoning the number.
I know it is not right to snoop, but one day I got hold of his phone without him knowing and discovered that he is chatting to a few girls. Most of the messages were cleared and there would only be one message left that I couldnt make out what it meant. When I confronted him about it, he told me that I knew from the start he had a lot of girl friends, he doesnt have male friends and he is really sorry but he will not ignore his friends because of me (before, he told me he doesnt have contact with them anymore). I just left it as I didnt want to start a fight that might end badly. I also saw on social media that he has been asking girls to visit him and getting back in contact with girls he threatened to cheat on me with. During that period he was taking off work a lot, saying he is sick.
I cannot help to think that he cheated on me during that period. I also got home one night after he couldnt pick me up from work as I had to work late. Our neighbor didnt know I was home. She came knocking on the door and he opened and she was wearing s****y clothes and asked him if he wanted a sip of her wine. I find that extremely weird and suspicious and when she saw me she said that she had to go. When I asked him what it was about, he told me that I know we have a weird neighbor. (our neighbor has had sex with his (detail removed by Moderator) and his (detail removed by Moderator). His (detail removed by Moderator) has a wife and kid and that didnt bother her or him for that matter)
I found out that he was joining chat sites, but I kept monitoring the site to see what he was up to and he was inactive so not too sure why he would join
I tried convincing myself that he wasnt cheating on me, that he would never do it. It will break me if he is cheating on me as I always thought an abusive husband is better than a cheating one. Having both is just the cherry on top.
He stopped for a while, but last week he threatened me again, saying that if I do not change he will cheat on me and today I found that he was looking up one of his exes again, trying to find her number and where she lives. I know if I am going to bring it up it will cause a fight, but I dont know what to make of it as he is taking off work again (detail removed by Moderator).
Its not that I dont trust him with other women, and I feel bad for snooping, but he has always been weird with other women. Flirt with them and afterwards he would tell me she is prettier than I am and that he is going to cheat on me with her. I am not jealous and dont mind him trying to talk to his friends again, but what bothers me is the way he talks to them and how he always takes off a day’s work when he starts talking to them and just the fact that he threatens to cheat on me. When I confront him on the way he talks to women, he tells me I know he has a flirty personality (this coming from a man who abuses me if I even just say Hi to one of my male colleges).
I dont know what to do, how do you handle abuse and cheating? All my positivity is gone again and I just feel drained
27th June 2016 at 2:46 pm #20221
Dear Woman in need, I am so sorry that you are having to endure this dreadful insecurity & doubt,your partner threatening to cheat unless you do what he wants is not right.I am free of my ex now & no longer have this crippling insecurity & doubt but I did. If someone is cheating there are ways & means of catching them, quite a lot of ways. But I asked myself if the further pain that I would cause myself was worth doing this. He was a liar, abuser & ladies man,it made sense he was cheating as well,I finished with him as the whole package was bad .I am now free & have none of these demoralising fears Woman In Need. We don’t need to put up with these paralysing fears, I hope that you find some inner peace. If you feel brave enough to try to catch him out ,I have some good resources.❤❤❤❤❤
27th June 2016 at 3:31 pm #20226
Dear WIN, when I was crippled by the anxiety like you are, I got hold of a book, Is he cheating on you,829 signs by Ruth Houghton, it was very enlightening 😠😠😠😠😠
27th June 2016 at 3:59 pm #20228SerenityParticipant
Hi Woman in Need,
I can’t say if he is cheating or not, but gay I will say is, my ex started protesting too much that he had never had an affair and talking about his friends having affairs and their wives turning a blind eye…the fact that he was talking about the subject so much makes me now think he was in fact having an affair, or very near to having one. In the end he stayed out all night, and left a few days later.
Putting aside the question of whether he has or hasn’t been unfaithful yet: do you really want a man who threatens to leave you all the time?
This was my ex’s main tactic.
It was his way of dominating me and making me dependent ( by making me scared). The constant threat of abandonment made me ill.
Be careful of him always pointing out others’ faults, as if to deflect attention away from his own behaviour.
28th June 2016 at 9:17 am #20314AnonymousInactive
Thank you for all the support.
In a way I would like to know if he is cheating, that might make me want to leave, but as you said, I dont know if I want to cause myself more pain. Thank you for offering your resources 🙂 but unfortunately I am not in the same country as you and dont think the resources would be able to help me.
I will try and find the book and read it, that might help a bit.
28th June 2016 at 9:21 am #20315AnonymousInactive
It is concerning when a man says his friends are cheating and their wives are turning a blind eye, it is as if he was trying to tell you something indirectly. I am so glad you got out!
I know that it is not worth being with a man that threatens to leave all the time, I have addressed it with him, but he just said that I know he says things when he is angry and that they dont mean anything. You all might know this excuse by now.
I still have mixed feelings of getting out or staying, I am sure one day I will be able to make up my mind.
Thank you for caring
27th June 2016 at 4:19 pm #20229
Exactly, & do you want such crippling anxiety? I have been there, it made me really ill. I thought it was me, but it was,nt it was him, the secrets, blaming me, gaslighting, cryptic messages. Do take care of your mental wellbeing, I am free now & have none of this anymore ❤❤❤❤❤
28th June 2016 at 9:22 am #20316AnonymousInactive
Thank you so much HA:)
27th June 2016 at 5:29 pm #20236KIP.Participant
Hi there, my ex used these sick tactics. It’s a very very cruel, hurtful way to control you. Abusers have a keen sense of what will hurt us most and use these things to control and hurt, and get a real kick out of it. Anyone who is so insecure that he has to behave this way is a twisted individual. What a way to live your life. Anyone who cared for you would never treat you this way. Can you imagine if it was the other way round and you behaved this way. Abusers never change. He’s found a good way to control and hurt you and if it wasn’t his infidelity, it would be something else. Not a nice person. Ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship and read ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. You deserve better, and yes I believe he’s cheating on you. Just like my ex did. But whether it will make any difference to you ending the relationship, it’s upto you x
28th June 2016 at 9:29 am #20317AnonymousInactive
Thank you for the support and good advise.
I am trying to get hold of Living with a Dominator, but it is difficult in my country.
I cant believe that so many men out there are doing this to women? How could you think that it is okay to treat someone the way you do? I am so glad you got out and wish all you ladies all my luck and love for the future. Everyone deserves happiness.
I am sure that one day I will be free, but at this moment I am just so uncertain. I know it is the gaslighting and the trauma bonding, but I cannot seem to shake it
27th June 2016 at 9:57 pm #20278
Hi, what can you do to get out and get rid of him?
You do not deserve such bad treatment. x*x
28th June 2016 at 9:30 am #20318AnonymousInactive
Thank you for all the support.
At this moment I am still uncertain what to do about my situation. Still trying to deal with everything, but I am sure one day I might get there
28th June 2016 at 10:30 am #20323Confused123Participant
JUst read your post, i would ask myslef why would i want to stay with some one like that , start protecting your self and have a back up plan to leave him or get him to leave if your place, my ex used to say to me im not good enough in bed and if i dont make more effort to give him sex which he got daily anyway he would sleep with some one else who could satisfied him more, my reply was off u go then what are u waiting for , you’d actually do me a favour … dont lower your self which is what they want, let him go , your life will chANGE IN A POSITIVE WAY
28th June 2016 at 2:24 pm #20342AnonymousInactive
Thank you for the advise, I am so sorry to hear that your husband did the same. It is awful feeling unloved, but I am glad you moved on.
I am trying to move on, but think it is going to be a long journey ahead
28th June 2016 at 11:06 am #20327
Hi dear WIN, what is you support network?
Have you explored who would stand by you if you get away from him?
What about the police? Are they supportive or are they corrupt?
Would they help you if you pay them? I have seen such things, nothing is too unusual for me. I travelled the world.
What about doctors, hospitals?
Do you have feminists where you are? Any feminist groups who run a refuge and give advice?
Anyone where you could hide?
How supportive would work be?
28th June 2016 at 2:32 pm #20343AnonymousInactive
I have explored options and we do have Women Aids and feminists. Luckily not all our police officers are corrupt, you just need to find one willing to help you. I do have people around me that will help, but my problem lies with me. I am struggling with my feelings and coping emotionally, I feel that I cannot move on from here, but sure that I will get a chance one day.
Work on the other hand will be a difficult one as I have only been working for them for a short while. Not sure they would want to deal with this.
Thank you for the suggestions
28th June 2016 at 6:53 pm #20362
This is already good news.
It is normal that you struggle. After realising that you suffer from abuse you have lots of doubts. It takes time to let all sink in and dismantle him, so that one day you see him as what he really is: a monster.
Take your time, evaluate your situation, your relationship with him.
Just one thing: stay safe. Make sure you are safe. Get out if you feel you are in danger. Put yourself first.
Keep posting here. x*x
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