Child abuse?

[Newst@rt]

I’ve posted on here a few times, mainly because I feel a lot of guilt and responsibility for deciding to stop my ex from seeing our children after being advised to do so by my DA support worker, who said he’d been extremely abusive towards me, and abusive to the children also. I don’t think I’d ever fully believed he’d been abusive towards the children, although he would punish me by suddenly becoming overly interested and engaged with them (he was very hands-off otherwise) and blocking me out, and he put me under so much pressure that I could never really make them a priority, including right after I’d given birth, to the point that I felt traumatised. He’d (detail removed by moderator) even after he’d get upset and ask him to stop, would demand that he stop crying and would say he was acting like a girl. He also once (detail removed by moderator) in front of him when he was very young (preschool age) and after that the cat had to live outside. When he started preschool he was very shy and unused to socialising with other children, and my ex wanted him to (detail removed by moderator) and then keep away from them. We were also living overseas at the time so in addition to starting school it was also in a foreign language.

We’ve been back in the UK a little while and my eldest has settled very well at his new school. I had a meeting with his teacher (detail removed by moderator) and the focus was on how well he’s doing, how bright he is, how happy he is, how many friendship groups he has, how much he loves me and his family, and how perceptive and sensitive he is. As you can imagine I’m super proud of him but on the way home I had a real light bulb moment because his teacher would not have recognised him a year ago. Up until pre-school he NEVER socialised with other children because my ex wouldn’t allow or encourage it (in the early days I tried taking him to mother and baby groups but he wouldn’t speak to me when I got back so I gave up), he didn’t like children coming in to our home so banned it, he stopped me from seeing another English speaking mum who had children the same age, and he wouldn’t support me in trying to organise play dates with other children – at this point I had no confidence and found the language and cultural barriers difficult to navigate. I remember taking him to a (detail removed by moderator) and my ex arrived to pick us up as the cake came out and I felt absolutely panicked that we weren’t ready to leave immediately. He’d say that other parents were on the dole, druggies, squatters or ‘not our kind of people’. Would this behaviour constitute child abuse? Am I right in stopping their Dad from having access to them? Am I doing what is best for them? They’re both thriving and loving life at the moment. Thank you for reading x

[fizzylem]

Absolutely – keep him away from them for as long as you can, they are clearly a lot happier and getting their needs met now, their father is controlling, critical, manipulative and not present for them at all – he will screw with their minds – keep them safe – keep doing what you’re doing x

[KIP.]

I think your post answered your own question. I bet you’re much happier too. Keep him away from them x

[Newst@rt]

Thank you fizzylem and KIP. I think I’d really struggled to view his treatment of the children as abuse and felt guilty that I’d decided to stop them from having a relationship. Realising he had treated them badly suddenly hit me yesterday, and is helping me to see that I am doing what is best for them x

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