(detail removed by moderator)

[Woodfire]

First time posting so thank you for listening. I escaped an abusive relationship in (detail removed by moderator) (broken up since (detail removed by moderator)), my daughter had irregular contact with him but hasn’t seen him in (detail removed by moderator) years (she’s now (detail removed by moderator) years old) so has no memory of him whatsoever. I am now happily married to the most amazing man, we have a mortgage, new baby and give a wonderful and full life to our children. My husband is known as daddy, he changed nappies, brought her up, supported her, held her hand for first nursery and school days etc..

(detail removed by moderator). He was very abusive to me, emotionally, threatened to kill me in my home with my daughter in my arms while having contact at my home (police were called, all logged, he admitted it, no charges made). I lived (detail removed by moderator) months with panic alarms from victim support.(detail removed by moderator) he got to see her at a contact centre but would harass me outside the contact centre so I thought it would be easier to let him have access to her at my home where I know she’d be safe and I would stay upstairs. He was still abusive but wormed his way back every time, I was very ill with (detail removed by moderator) issues and due surgery, they say after I had surgery he stole my phone whilst meant to be looking after my daughter and scrutinised everything and made me go through it with him just (detail removed by moderator) hours after having an organ removed. I felt stuck, until I met my now husband on a random And rare night out, he met my daughter (detail removed by moderator) weeks later and (detail removed by moderator) months after that we moved in together. I stopped contact (detail removed by moderator) weeks later as the ex was making everything difficult, he’s abuse me in front of our daughter when I would meet him in parks to hand over (I would follow so I knew where they were) and said he has to go through court due to not being able to coparent.

I should add, the issues really started when his mum was (detail removed by moderator) and making suggestive noises, this was on (detail removed by moderator) occasions (she was told to stop) then the final time I stopped contact, he chose to take his mums side and left, his mum had also been (detail removed by moderator). I received a barrage of abuse from his mum and dad (texts and voicemails) but ignored them. His dad sexually assaulted me (smacked my bum that hard (detail removed by moderator)) it bruised for a week (he was always inappropriate with me and other women – they’re both swingers). His siblings range from convicted murderer, a kidnapper, schizophrenic and his best friend is a drug dealer. I was lied to about most of this and mostly everything was played down to me. I only ever met one of the siblings and heard lots of scary stories re. The others but was told he has no involvement so i was told to rest assured, this turned out to be a lie later on when (detail removed by moderator) sent a birthday card to my house for him (despite us not being together). I am scared stiff that he is going to be allowed contact/access. (detail removed by moderator) She’s (detail removed by moderator) and hasn’t a clue who he is, remembers nothing of him (which I’m glad as he was truly awful).

(detail removed by moderator) at the moment I’m an anxious wreck (detail removed by moderator)

[Lisa]

Hi Woodfire,

Welcome to the Forum! I’m sorry to hear about everything you’ve been through; unfortunately perpetrators will often use children/ the issue of child contact to try and keep the abuse going for as long as possible.

If you haven’t done so already it would probably be a good idea to get some legal advice around everything. Many local domestic abuse services have access to legal advice, or if not directly should be able to help you access this. They might also have children’s support for your daughter and some ongoing practical and emotional support for yourself.

There’s also Rights of Women available on 020 7251 6577 (open Tuesdays-Thursdays 7pm-9pm, and Fridays 12pm-2pm). They can give free legal advice around anything to do with child contact/ family law. They can be difficult to get hold of but do keep trying if you can.

There’s also Coram Children’s Legal Centre on 0300 330 5480 who might also be able to give you some legal advice.

Take care,

Lisa

[fizzylem]

Hi W, this man and his family sound awful. Of course every fibre in your being wants to keep her safe and well away from him. The moderator has removed some of your message so it’s difficult to see a time line, but it sounds like he’s not been in her life for years. This makes me and the court wonder why he has not applied sooner, but if he is on the birth cert, then yes, unfortunately he does have a right to see her, highly likely safe, supervised access for her and for you from what you have said so far.

You can also get legal advice from a family law solicitor, you don’t owe them a thing until you have agreed to instruct the solicitor and signed, so any advice you glean before hand is free. It is a two way process where you are deciding whether this solictor can help you, is the right one for you and the solictor is trying to work out what’s occurred here and how to help, it’s a bit like an interview where you both interview one another. So what I’m saying is book an appointment to see few, say 3 or 4, more if needed, with the view to possibly instructing one, of course you don’t need to commit to any, but this process will give you some of the info you need – free.

Not all solictors understand the complexities of DA, so it’s important to find one that you feel is, along with establishing what they think will happen in court. I would say these two questions are the best starting places and will give you most of what you need to know before deciding on whether you want a solicitor. FL.x

[Woodfire]

Thank you for your replies. Yes I appreciate without timelines and certain details it is hard to get all information. Unfortunately the process is still on going (detail removed by Moderator) and I have had low moments. Police reports have come back now on ex partner and the accounts on the reports are not what actually happened (they’ve recorded his reports as the events and not my own), so it’s meant the report is not tallying up with my version of events which has been soul destroying because it’s invalidated my abuse. I now feel I’m going to be a laughing stock at the (detail removed by Moderator) and with cafcass as it looks like I’m lying about the abuse which is absolutely not what happened, it’s that the polices recording of events don’t match with mine. I don’t know where to go from here, I’m fighting a losing battle, he’s even said (detail removed by Moderator) he will take my child with or without my permission and not a single person (detail removed by Moderator) batted an eyelid.

[Woodfire]

Luckily Lisa, my daughter doesn’t remember a thing about my ex partner as she was very young when contact stopped and some years have been and gone since. I’m sure cafcass will provide support throughout the process of contact resuming though, thank you.

I have had legal representation, which has been very costly and not necessarily proved to be fruitful unfortunately, in fact hindered us in many ways as we was seen to be entitled and difficult because I chose to be represented. It’s been a tough process of ultimately just continued heartbreak.

[Author]

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