Child arrangements

[anotherlife]

Hi, just a quick post asking for advice / where I can get help & advice. Long story cut short, he left (detail removed by moderator) I’m what I’d think is 99% more anxious now, due to still controlling over the kids, the way the kids are, not being away from him, living in the house, lots more issues. Anyway, I’m not working now due to anxiety and nerves. Not his business. But he thinks that as I’m not working & he is, during holidays, the kids can stay with me and he / they can choose when they go to him.
As they’re both affected my how he was,but are spoiled now & he’s super dad, I have more problems with them than he does, realistically they wouldn’t dare play him up anyway. They’re getting older, one is mid teens and being with dad is good in some ways & I know they have more fun with him, they just refuse to do anything with me.
We do have arrangements over weekends. But can anyone suggest how I get help to get set time in school holidays / Christmas etc, if he thinks he can just leave it completely open? He can control it all that way. Is this just normal issues? He has a good job, plenty of holiday but hardly had them over December & Christmas, though he had promised to & I’m then left annoyed at him but also the kids wondering why he’s not seeing them, then he just spoils them and takes them out to eat etc & everything seems fine to him. I know it’s confusing for them and he’s dangling me on a string. If I ever tried to suggest anything or put dates in, he would just get angry and refuse & find other ways to get at me or make me nervous. He threatens to get them off me by going to court, etc, which I know is unlikely, but I don’t know how to get away from his tactics. The longer all this continues, the more anxious I get, the less chance I have of getting back into work, and the children just get the message that either he can’t be bothered, he’s very busy in his super important job or they can call the shots and go wherever they like.
There are no boundaries, patterns, it will just confuse them. I can’t even get my youngest to do homework or go anywhere if she doesn’t want to. If he at least does things with them sometimes, they’ll get more interest and outside more.
Sorry I’ve gone in a bit to ask a bit of advice…
Hugs and strength to you all x

[KIP.]

Unless there’s a legal agreement in place he’s going to do this forever. I’d speak to a solicitor. Draw up a contact agreement and get her to write to him that if he deviates from it the next step will be court. Your kids do need boundaries and routine. That way they and you know what’s happening and if he breaks that agreement then they know who’s fault that is too. It also means there is very little for him to contact you about. Getting a third party to take his messages is also a good idea. He loves the control he feels over you and how messing you around gives him a sense of power. Take that control back. Set your boundaries and stick to them x

[fizzylem]

When kids are around 10 plus they have their own voice in court – more so at 12 onwards – it’s recognised that no one can really tell a 12 year old what to do right? Any arrangements order would be made centred on what the child says and what is needed. He can’t just take them off you – you are their primary carer – the court would always look at ‘the least disruption’ and most likely go with what is already in place, he would only get more time if they see this is needed and the child wants this.

Cafcass have a parental agreement service – sounds like you would feel better if you had something drawn up where times and other things are set; its not legally binding no, but it can be shown in court and thus where he broke the agreement – which does help. This PA can include the flexibilty he is asking for; but also include set times where the time can be upped or reduced if the child wants this. Could include where they go for special occassions as well – so you all know what is happening and when and there is thus no real need to discuss this again unless it needs to change; maybe one clause would be it only really ever needs to change due to illness or if the child requests this – so the children always know when they are seeing dad as this is what needed – you will get full support from cafcass on this – because this is what they need hey.

I take a different view to KIP on this, I think family court has to be the last resort; it’s costly and stressful; so unless it’s needed to protect the children or if he starts the action then I would always try to avoid it. There’s no going back afterwards. You have the power here being the primary carer – so if there is anything you are uncomfortable with you can say no.

Your youngest maybe struggling with the change, maybe feels a bit down about how things have turned out? Is maybe not happy with the change? Did she see it coming? Could be she’s learnt that change is not a good thing here – so wants to stay home, this is how we feel when we’re a bit down isn’t it – have a think about this, what is she going through here and maybe get her some counselling – it will help to build her self esteem; sounds to me she needs to feel good about herself and things here?

Start with one aspect you think she needs and leave the rest for now – get this one sorted before moving onto the next. I had the home work problem, in the end I decided to make her aware that it’s her choice if she does it or not, spelt out the consequences, said it’s up to you if you want to be the kid who says I havent done my homework to the teacher – she did choose this and after twice of doing this she never did it again (you could ask the teacher for advice re how to handle it, let him/her know this is your plan and ask for support here) – make it clear it is her choice, you are simply there to help her, when she’s done this and is feeling this isnt working for me here – then you can say well I can help if you like, lets look at the options re how to tackle it – and draw up a plan.

It can feel like a constant battle cant it trying to give them what they need and being met with what they want – usually two differnt things entirely. Parentline is a good source of support to help you put in the boundaries they need. You’re under it right now and are aware things have slipped – this is normal, can relate so very much – I did this too, kids will always try to gettaway with what they can when mum is not firing on all cylinders – monkeys arent they – doesnt help at all though does it!

I can relate to things feeling worse after the split for sure; he’s been nothing but controlling; I turned a corner when I let go of the fear which I did by establishing everyones rights so I knew where I stood; as long as you are always fair and reasonsable what can he do? Even it goes to family court at some point, what would this show? That you’ve been nothing but reasonable and have acted in your childrens best interests – meaning he has no case. He may still try though yes – let him – accept this is one option open to him – open to the both of you. If he ever chooses to go down this route then afterwards you would have even less to do with him – you would need to comply with his PR and inform on health and ed matters ‘adequately only’ and for the odd change to the arrangement – so there are benefits. It is a dreadful and drawn out process though and your children will get pulled into it too – maybe you feel you all need this? But if not I would work with how things are at present and put it on the back burner for now.

Focus on thinking about how the children need it to be and get this in place. You need to feel he cant mess you or them around and they are getting what they need. He may well fight you on this and it may go to court; however it is resolved this is what is needed.

I would consider gathering the info for a parental agreement, find out how this could be achieved and put it to him, suggesting you feel this what the children and all of you need here. If this agreement can not be reached then go through a third party for all communications next. Google ‘our family wizard’ think would give you some info on how to manage a high conflict parent, we simply can not do the best job for our children when dealing with one – they have an email service where all comms go through them – could help and if not give you food for thought x

[Author]

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