Child arrangements and an abusive ex

[Susie]

Hi

I’m hoping you all will have some advice for me. I left my ex (detail removed by modrator) years ago. I just packed our clothes and left. He was always controlling and verbally abusive towards me and our children. After I left (detail removed by moderator) He made up a lot of allegations. (detail removed by moderator) the children live with me but they still spend a lot of time with him. He constant bad mouths me to the children, they are both in infant school. He is manipulating them against me and this is affecting our relationship. Recently he shoved me in front of the kids but he has twisted it to them that I am the bad one because I reported it to the police. He spends all his time turning them against me. They mimic his behaviour and are really awful when they come back from his house. I have spoken to school and they are referring to CAHMS. I have reported him to the police three times and nothing happens.

I am concerned about my children and their emotional wellbeing.

I am really struggling dealing with this man. I feel he is in control of me still and I can’t deal with the constant ness. There is some sort of incident, text, soliciters letter each week.

Any advice would be great.

Thank you,

Love susie x

[Shipoffools]

Hi Susie,

I’ve ‘reported’ your message so Lisa the moderator will see it and comment with official advise that will be very useful for you.

I am not trying to worry you but this same thing happened to me, I tried to ignore what my ex was doing, natively because I had a residency order I thought I couldn’t loose my children, (detail removed by moderator) my sons chose to live with their dad and off they went with the judges blessing, they’ve lived there ever since…I’ve had limited contact because dad controls it. My sons are young adults now. They still live with dad and are brainwashed and controlled.

I deeply regret ignoring the threats my ex was making to take the children. I thought he’d get fed up then leave me alone. But taking the children away from the mother is one of the abusers final acts of control to try to destory the Survivor for daring to leave him…

It sounds to me like your ex should be stopped seeing his children because he is abusing them emotionally…make notes of all the things he’s done and how the children’s behaviour has changed because of this pressure. You’ll need notes as evidence for a solicitor to get exs contact order changed…to at least a contact centre then he can be monitored all the time…good luck xx

[Susie]

Thank you for replying. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. This is my worst fear. I can see my girls believe what he says. Despite seeing and hearing things he does/says. It’s awful. I’m hoping that CAHMS will help. School have recommended I refer to social services because the girls are told to keep secrets and not tell me what happens at his house.

I have been contacted by (detail removed by moderator) who has told me that she is aware he has had ‘relationships’ with teenage boys. I don’t know whether this is true, I have never met this person before. I have passed all this information on to the police but I haven’t heard anything in response. I am so worried about my girls and I feel let down by the system. I don’t know what I can do to protect them.

I have tried looking into a non molesataton order against him, but he is clever. He has stopped all contact with me now, he just sends false allegations in solicitors letters.

Hopefully Lisa will have some good advice.

Thanks

Susie

[freedomtochoose]

I am really shocked by this and it strikes fear into my heart – as I too have a residence order in existence for some years and have told myself it afforded some security, emotionally, for myself and child.

I do ask my child sometimes are they sure they want to live with me, and they always say yes they do. They also have a fab network around school and their friends also activities they take part in.

I now have had some very upsetting times with a birth family member who has problems of their own and doesn’t seem to understand that the age my child is now, they are actually more interested in spending time with peers, rather than seeing extended family members for family meals etc.
I am terrified that due to their own issues they are leaving themselves open to be manipulated by my ex. who is only too glad at any opportunity to say that I am attempting to restrict my child’s opportunities.

Although I know that is ridiculous as child takes part in school and shed loads of extra -curricular stuff – there are times when of course as a mum I can’t say yes to every request and shouldn’t anyway as I have to set boundaries for my child – and sometimes we need down time and rest time anyway, as well as time to do the necessary household/chores/maintenance stuff.

I’m not sure that the fear of losing my child will ever leave me, but it is so unfair as when I compare what I do for and with my child compared to some others I know I am a fab mum. The mind games, despite next to zero contact are really difficult sometimes.

all best
ftc
x

[Shipoffools]

Freedom to choose….once a child gets to 12 years old they can legally choose for themselves who they wish to live with….already having a residency order in the mothers name doesn’t stop the father from taking mother back to family court. Obviously going to family court and solicitors all cost money, so the father needs to be pretty sure the outcome will be in his favour (as in the children will tell CAFCASS they wish to live with their father and be absolutely sure) before he takes mother to court…in this case the Judge does not make the decision, he follows/grants the wishes of the children…the father gets the residency order and the mother gets the contact order….

Hope this helps xx

[Lisa]

Hi Susie,

Thank you for your post. I am sorry to read about your situation. Sadly we all know here on the forum that abusive men use child contact as a way to continue to abuse the woman long after the relationship is over.

I would recommend that you follow the schools advice and contact social services. It is important that they are aware of your situation and if you notify them they will work with you which although may appear a little scary will be be helpful and supportive to you and the children. I would also recommend that you phone the helpline and get in touch with your local Women’s Aid group. Rights of Women can offer you advice and support too on http://www.row.org.uk If you have genuine fears about their well being I would suggest that perhaps you consider stopping all contact with him until you have a contact order in place that offers you and the children some protection. Rights of Women and an experienced solicitor should be able to help you with this.

Please phone the helpline at a safe time and let us know how you get on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Susie]

Thank you for your replies. I have contacted social services today so we will see what happens. (detail removed by moderator). I’m not sure whether he is bluffing, but he likes to keep me dangling. I will contact ROW tomorrow. Thank you very much for your advice. I really appreciate it. I felt complete at a loss.

Susie

[freedomtochoose]

Thanks Ship;offools for this,
I have, by the grace of the Goddess herself a young woman who is more of a feminist than I am.
She told Cafcass what she wanted very loudly when she was eight.
I am comforted by her analysis. By the grace of the Goddess I think she knows what she wants.
She is by far as bolshie as I am. Heading to be the next Prime Minister (if that is what she chooses). Rest assured apeople if she gets to a position in policy or government she will remember what we have experienced.

How that happened I am not sure, but I’m glad it did.
all best
ftc
x

[KIP.]

Keep his messages and keep a journal of his behaviour. It will build a bigger picture of him lying, manipulating, controlling, threatening. It’s really important to have evidence for a court. Also speak to your GP about the mental stress he is subjecting you too. It’s good to have your GP backing you x don’t believe a word he says. Only act on what he actually does. They’re great at bumping their gums x

[Susie]

I thought about going to see my GP but I was concerned he could somehow use this against me?! I’m still at work full time but I can’t concentrate. It’s all consuming. I was absolutely fine until I got his latest letter  weeks ago that was full of lies. It’s so frustrating.

Thanks once again. Does anyone have any advice for trying to empower my girls whilst this is all going on. I know they will realise in time but it’s hard in the mean time.

Susie

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there Susie,
Depending on what age your girls are – obviously you would be choosing something age appropriate…
Otherwise any resources you can offer them (or leave lying around) about what healthy relationships
are…
I’m thinking books etc. You may find it hard and may feel the need to hide your upset about what happened to you – but my advice would be try not to hide it completely, you could just say when you need to ‘I’m feeling a bit fragile can I have a hug?’ for example. This shows you are a good role model and gives them hopefully permission to do the same when they need to…

Also talking to them generally about what respect is in relationships and being honest (but age appropriate about it). Depending on their age you can discuss items from social media or t.v. and ask them what they think to encourage discussion.

We were lucky enough to have a children’s worker attached to the refuge.
Also and not to be underestimated – play is very healing for kids – outdoors, having fun etc.This was mostly what she did with my babes.

Local domestic abuse recovery programmes often have sessions on managing contact where you can talk about this, doesn’t change the situation but at least you might be able to talk it through with peers.
I missed my session on this due to a court thing I had to attend – I learned most from other women who had their court stuff before I did.

I remember listening to them and thinking that I would never get there. Never get past it, never find a place to live, never be able to swing it on my own with a child. But I did, and you will.

Just maybe seems a little bit far away.

Maybe Lisa has more resources for kids to offer.

Generally though for girls I can recommend any stories or storylines that show strong independent girls.

For us we found that talking about refugees generally was helpful. There were some very famous ones. Some might say that Mary and Jesus went to refuge in a stable. If you know what I mean.

all best and thinking of you.

Not having a brilliant day here but I’ve got ready to do some gardening today, which I know is going to help.

ftc
x
It is not the whole answer, but it helps.

[freedomtochoose]

Something else that occurs to me. If you can afford the time – focus on building a positive relationship with the school. Attend open days and craft days, school assemblies so they can see you being a ‘normal’ parent if you know what I mean. Try to share ‘normal’ things with the teachers and staff. For example chat about a day trip that you went on, or a swimming session or whatever it is…or even what you are going to have for tea that day (you can ask them what they are having…). discussing a library book or similar…

It is all with a view to show them that you are focussed on creating a normal, happy life with and for your kids despite the issues.

My advice would be that with the school, just let them see who you are, i.e. a loving, caring fantastic mum…

ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

With school assemblies and events etc it is generally not the parents and carers who attend, listen and show an interest that are the problem. It is the ones who consistently are not there and don’t show an interest (at least that is how it is in primary school or so I’ve been told…)

all best
ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

I’ve just realised this might be difficult for you as you work full time. However, you can still perhaps schedule a friendly meeting with the teacher which is NOT all about issues and problems, but you can try to focus on what you can do to encourage your child and understand the teacher’s focus…
hope there is something useful there, if not don’t worry I’m not offended, we all have very different situations
all best
ftc
x

[Susie]

Thank you, that’s all brilliant advice! I do have a very good relationship with school and try to go to as much as possible.

I am going to try as many of the things you have suggested I can.

I’m fortunate that I have a lovely little home and a new boyfriend. I just want to move on with my life, but I feel trapped in a vicious cycle with my ex. I want to protect my girls and bring them up to be healthy confident girls. My heart goes out to everyone in this situation. There isn’t enough in place to protect people.

Susie

[Shipoffools]

Great advice for Susie, ftc….I made the mistake of trying to hide what had happened and what was going on to me and them during and after I left my DV ex….mistakenly thinking I was protecting them from further upset….I now realise that’s not the right way to do it.

I thought telling my boys about what DV is (through age related explanations) would be abusive!! I thought because we’d left the DV enviroment everything would just be fine….I now realise my children needed reassurance, they weren’t daft, they knew stuff was up they and they saw me upset at times but I never told them, never explained….xx

[freedomtochoose]

thanks for your your post ship of fools, I have been there too. Hindsight is a wonderful thing..I have different challenges now due to their age.
all best
ftc
x

[Author]

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