child arrangements and mediation

[ihaveavoice]

The perpetrator in my life is emotionally/psychologically abusive and the type where upholding his image is his primary goal. He has requested 50/50 shared parenting. He currently has them 2 non-consecutive nights, and even then my youngest always has a wobble at best when she is going, and he isn’t always around to look after them, or asks to drop them off early. My instincts tell me that this is not in the best interests of the children, for a number of reasons.

He is already priming the children, and tells them that I prevent him from seeing them, and is generally disparaging of me.

Under the recommendation of my solicitor, we had started shuttle mediation. The mediator feels that we can get more sorted face to face (although there hasn’t been much sorted to date).

The mediator mentioned that she could also meet independently with the children. The children are scared to say anything bad about daddy, and will also say that the arrangements are not fair (because he tells them so). My solicitor keeps on saying that it’s better to mediate than to go to court.

I’m looking for any advice, insights or experience from people who are in or have gone through a similar situation.

Wishing everyone lots of strength and courage xx

[diymum@1]

Womens aid recommendation is that you shouldn’t mediate with an abuser. This is very different when it’s two people with communication problems maybe but not when he’s looking for power and control. I’ve been through this so I’d say contact womens aid to put this in writing that they don’t advise it you’ll get nowhere. Court is best in this instance because you can have clear boundaries set in stone for your kids xx I’d go for more reduced contact if they’re struggling. The kids mediating wouldn’t be fair on them far too much pressure and responsibility. You’ll need a therapist for the kids to put a professional opinion over to the court. Cafcass will take note of this and the gp and school can support you. Your word against his won’t wash he will say ur alienating them when actually it’s him! So when the therapist talks to the kids you can’t have any part in this so you can show you never coached them into saying things xx basically he will twist it do you need hard professional evidence. He won’t be able to do this because what he’s saying is untrue xx

[KIP.]

Good advice but I’d also add to start keeping a journal of contact and all the times he’s failed and how the children have a wobble etc. It’s a power thing with these men. You cannot negotiate with an abuser. He’s not interested and even if he gets 50/50 he won’t take them. If he can’t stick to current access then he won’t 50/50. Also the court can set in stone the access and he cannot blame you for the kids not seeing him as you can say it’s a court order. The mediator doesn’t know him, you do. I doubt he would want his behaviour exposed in court but I’d make sure you’ve told your GP and your solicitor of any abuse.

[fizzylem]

If he’s alienating then this needs to be evidenced and taken to court, it will only get worse when this is already bad enough, you have a concern that he is trying to poison them against you, this is emotional abuse and damaging – so you need to get them some protection, will most likley mean supervised visits only, either with a family member or at a centre because he can’t be trusted not to mess with their minds – will create many challenges and unecessary problems for them – anger and emotional difficulties – and make parenting them tough for you.

I would be inclined to make it clear to him that you are the primary carer, so if we can not agree things for now we will need to set up contact the way you think it needs to be for the children, and he can put his case forward in court. Always better to try and get how it needs to be in place before court – ideally.

You are going to need professional support, so yes, speak with the GP, get this in your medical record, you can also request WA notes from phone calls, notes from your local support worker, diary things – what the children say, record how they are when leaving and coming back, anything odd they say through the week, gather his emails and texts etc. I would call the NSPCC and get the children some support with them – they are familiar with alienation where as sadly, cafcass not so much – if they find that alienation is occuring then the court will have to act / listen to this.

Yes it is always better to avoid court, but chances are this is highly unlikely when dealing with someone only interested in fighting you with whatever he’s got available to him – a high conflict parent. Have you seen the Our Family Wizard app? Might help.

If you get his access how the children need it to be, then if he’s not happy he can submit an application – the process is the same whoever submits the application; cafcass will speak to the children to try and establish their wishes and feelings, but will not consider the children are being manipulated – so you do need evidence from elsewhere, if you change it now it will give them a chance to settle into the routine and you can work through and get to the point where these changes feel ok for them – where they feel happy with how things are. I would seriously consider whether there is a family member who could help here or look into supervised contact at a contact centre – you could book this yourself. My child has been robbed of her childhood because of the alienation, took me a long time to pick it up, thankfully she’s old enough to decide for herself when she sees him and will opt out now – with hindsight I can see I should have got her supervised contact many years ago; you need to put to stop to the alienation straight away x

[ihaveavoice]

Thank you for all your advice. It’s very difficult to think with a clear head when there are a lot of people telling me ‘you need to do this’ and ‘you need to do that.’ My default seems to always be one of hope, and thinking that I need to appease him and I constantly have to remind myself that what he is doing is damaging, and that just because there are no external bruises doesn’t mean that he’s hurting them from the inside.

I’m pretty sure of what he is, and can actually predict his behaviour and reactions quite well now that I’ve had a good stretch of time away from him. I’ve already put a lot of what has been said into action, and feel like I’m having to play the game. WA and NSPCC have been reassuring for me in the past, so another call will help give me the confidence to make the right decision, and I’ll also call the GP again. x*x

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