31st July 2020 at 10:30 pm #111329123caliParticipant
My abuse has been about sex, being threatened and humiliated about my past if I did not participate in sex and threats to leave me in a room until I want to intimate and harassment over sex everyday. At first I wasn’t sure if it was abuse or if I was being sensitive but I feel bullied after experiencing it for so long. I am concerned about my child’s welfare as he only wants something to do with him to spite me. The solicitor said what has happened in the relationship (the abuse) will not be taken into account but the child’s safety, he constantly says he is not the dad, he is a babysitter and that he wants nothing to do with him and im worried as to whether he will probably take care of him without me there if this is his opinion, he also drink drives alot and drives unsafe with him and me in the car. He tells me if I leave he will have him 50% of the time. Is this likely? I’m so worried for my baby
1st August 2020 at 3:57 pm #111388SleepyParticipant
What a difficult position to be in. I would say that was abuse. Might be worth writing down, or recording if you can, the things he says and then you have at least some evidence that he might not take care of the child. Not sure about the 50% I don’t have any experience in that.
1st August 2020 at 7:36 pm #111393iliketeaParticipant
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Are you the main carer now? If so it’s highly unlikely that would then become 50/50. More likely would be possibly one weekend every two and maybe a weekday night but that depends on a lot of things. You can arrange this yourself when you leave or you can go to court. It depends on how you plan to leave, will you apply for an occupation order for where you live, or are you going to a refuge and starting afresh.
Can you get a referral to a domestic abuse service via your GP? Or do the live chat on the Woman’s Aid site and ask for help that way.
You’ll be ok. Time to get prepared, learn about what you’re experiencing, have you seen the book list here? And to build a support network to help you exit – of professionals and trusted friends.
1st August 2020 at 9:46 pm #111410123caliParticipant
Thank you for your replies ladies. I have been looking into options but its so difficult to decide which route to go down, i want to keep my daughter as safe as possibly but I have a sense of sympathy for him and I really can’t figure out why so I’m a bit lost xx
1st August 2020 at 10:28 pm #111415stepping stoneParticipant
Hi 123Cali, I completely understand you’re situation mine has also threatened to get 50 if I leave. But he never wants to take care of him, even spanked when he was smaller, and the drivinis just as bad he had been caught previously with us in the car and crush at school. So I stayed to protect him too called in nannies to stay with if I cannot be there just to ensure he is safe. Now my boy is much bigger and says he wants to protect his little sus from his bad dad. And started calling him on his name. I have also been advised about an occupation order so waiting to speak to a lawyer now. Sadly my son son research the word spanking on his computer that ex told me he had child lock on and came across some not so good scenes…. I took pictures of this but had affected my son. And I am starting counselling soon, because he really can’t wait to get rid of his Dad, I promise to never leave him alone with his dad again but worried he gets sone custody and my son will be devasted… So hence I am dragging, but will post back based on advice from lawyer if that might help you decide.
2nd August 2020 at 1:30 am #111419Soulsearcher18Participant
Trying to post but it’s not saving so this is a test post
2nd August 2020 at 1:57 am #111420Soulsearcher18Participant
I tried posting to you earlier but it wouldnt save so I’ll try again now. I did post back on another message you wrote so I hope what I’m saying is helpful and that you are doing ok.
I did some research for your earlier, please can you take a look at the following link and download the PDF. I think it will help you to understand a bit more.
Also, please take a look through the Women’s Aid Survivors Handbook, it will also fill you in on what your rights and options are. I really hope this post saves this time and the links work etc- let me know if not and I’ll tell you how to find them on the sites.
I’m sorry, I know it is a bit info overload but honestly looking through this info when you get chance will be better than me trying to explain it all to you. As I said in my previous post on your other message though, I strongly advise you to get in contact with a DA worker again, either through WA website, or through your local service. There is a lot to process and they can help you with this.
If you are feeling lost and confused, this is normal given your experiences but it is very possible that you are possibly experiencing PTSD, even though you are still in the situation and professional support is going to be really important for you to navigate all this.
For yourself and SteppingStone- it really concerns me these threats they are making about 50/50 care are frightening you keeping you in these situations. I do understand as I also stayed in part out of this fear. The behaviours that you describe are so overtly abusive and will obviously have a detrimental affect on you, which will inevitably affect your children too. What I will tell you is that evidence is key if these fuckers really do mean business and take you to court. So -whilst I completely understand that it is horrendous to think of speaking to professionals whilst in it because the perpetrators of abuse scare and manipulate you into thinking that no-one will believe you, speaking out is actually very beneficial once you get the other side as you have started to gather some evidence on them. So, if you possibly can- speak to that GP, get it all logged. Speak to that GP as often as you can, ideally with the same one so that it is a consistent picture and they can provide evidence for you if it ever does get to court. That’s if a perpetrator can actually be bothered, it is quite likely that some just use it as a threat to keep you there and wouldn’t actually follow through.
Ultimately, the physical and emotional health and well-being of yourself and your children is paramount and so whilst planning is important and crossing some of the T’s and I’s before leaving may help further down the line, if you need out and can do so safely- Just do it. The professionals can then wrap the care and support around you once you are out.
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