Child contact. Advice needed.

[Hopefulwishes]

Hi
Really battling with myself as I can’t find the strength I need to just leave. There are a few key factors that terrify me. He is so unstable and unpredictable. One of my main concerns is the contact with our daughter. How will this work. What will happen. It’s the unknown. In all honesty I don’t like how he is with our daughter for starters. My problem is that currently he has her in the day whilst I’m at work and then when not in lockdown he would work evenings. I don’t know if he will try and make things complicated when I leave and refuse to have her all together during the week as apparently it’s convenient for me or will I have to see him everyday to drop her off and pick her up which I really don’t want to do because he will probably have a go at me. I don’t have any family where I live and his mum works so there’s not a third party to facilitate hangovers.
I really wish this could be easier and just amicable but I know that’s not a realist wish when dealing with an abuser.

[Lisa]

Hi Hopefulwishes,

Thank you for posting. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. How are you today? I hope it is helping to offload how you are feeling. Do you have any support in place from any support services to help you with a plan?

Take care,

Lisa

[Hopefulwishes]

Hi yes I have DA worker and I’ve spoke to the police. I didn’t want to get them involved if I can leave safely. She helped me to plan how I can leave but I still don’t seem to be able to do it! I just feel so guilty and deceitful just leaving and him not knowing anything until he either wakes up or comes home.

[Anonymous]

Hello Hopefulwishes,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My ex used to have our children too whilst I worked. there is a possibility you could claim universal credit and get help with childcare costs which might help you not have to see him everyday, and if you’re not happy with how he is treating you little ones. I find this website really helpful at calculating what you could get – uceplus, Iv recently had to put in a claim myself. There is also a facebook page where you can post anonymously too. This might help you once you know what your options are – you can still claim universal credit if you have a mortgage or rent. If you can, give womens aid a call they are so helpful and not judgmental at all. Sending you love and hugs x*x

[Hopefulwishes]

I’ve applied for universal credit but just for myself as I don’t currently pay for any childcare. If it comes to it and I change that is the process relatively fast for making changes to payments?

[Anonymous]

It is paid in arrears so you have to post it upfront then get 85% back – your local council would normally be able to help with a discretionary fund to provide it upfront and that you don’t pay back. If your do leave universal credit can give you an immediate advance for your circumstances x

[Anonymous]

Hi Hopefulwishes,

The first question that came to mind is whether you have reported any of the abuse?
I’m not sure there has ever been an amicable separation with an abuser. If you want more time with your child, he will probably demand more time for himself. If you need help because you work, then he would probably try to have less time with your child. Anything they do is to harm you. Usually children are just collateral damage in their minds. And he will get to you through your child.
The reason why I ask if you have reported anything, is because if concerns for your child’s well-being in his care should arise and you need I intervention, you will need as much evidence as possible to prove your case.
Getting a child arrangement order could help. That way he doesn’t mess around with times, and you can plan your life without his interference.
I hope you and your daughter will stay safe and be able to move on without his control xx

[Hopefulwishes]

Thank you for your message. I have a DA worker and I also rang social services to make them aware of what’s going on and that I’m trying to leave. I get so frustrated with myself because I just don’t seem to be able to leave. I’m terrified of the aftermath. It doesn’t sit well with me just going and not saying anything to him because he doesn’t think he’s actually doing anything wrong! I know I don’t owe him anything. I couldn’t wait to go back to work this week but then when it comes to home time I start to feel anxious and I don’t like feeling like that.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. Have you read ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft? Not sure how you can read it while you live with him.
There are tactics involved in abuse. He might very well know what he is doing. There was a point in my relationship that lasted over a decade when I thought he was stupid. That worked very well for him to get away with things. Now I understand just how clever he is. And I believe he knows everything he does. His intention was to break me. Like when they break a horse to get them to obey. At the end of our relationship my ex told me with disdain, (detail removed by moderator). This is when I found out for sure that he knew what he was doing all along. It’s hard to believe people can be like that.
I don’t know your situation. There are sometimes other reasons for abusive behaviour. But more likely abusers use those other reasons as excuses for their abuse.
The book above has a section about leaving your abuser. It can get more dangerous when you try to end it.
I really do hope you can be set free xx

[Hopefulwishes]

Thank you so much for your message. Things have been bad these (detail removed by moderator) but all of a sudden he wants us to get (detail removed by moderator) and do sexual acts as if nothing has even happened. I can’t bring myself to speak to him let alone have sexual contact with him but then he will use that against me. Everything is my fault. He can’t understand why I don’t want to.

[Author]

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