Child contact terms

[ultimatelyStrong]

I’m going to try and keep this as vague as possible because I keep having my posts deleted.

What terms have you put in place for child contact that the court has allowed?

For example alcohol testing before and after contact, how supervised contact will progress to unsupervised, how and when father will make phone contact with the child, how and when father will contact the mother. And what if anything I can ask of him for when he does have contact such as leaving the child alone, who he leaves the child with etc.

Thank you in advance.

[Anonymous]

This migh be of some help to you…..https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/contact/

[fizzylem]

You can be as specific as you like, but a word of warning, the more specific this is the more likely you will end up tying yourself into things you later don’t wish to do or find hard to manage. My advice would be to keep it as brief and as simple as possible – to not get into any detail. Some women see it as an opportunity to get it all nailed down and get it how you need – won’t happen – will come back to bite you.

I would also go for no phone contact until the child is old enough to have their own phone – all this does is let him back in your home – I certainly wouldn’t tie myself into calling at a set time each week – who wants this? No adult and no child. An arrangement where by if the child wants to speak to either parent could be included, ‘if the child requests to speak with the other parent when visiting the other’.

Have you see the Our Family Wizard app? Makes everything a whole lot easier – so you could put everything through this and simply have in the order to communicate via the OFW app on all matters.

Sometimes women think they have to be seen as offering to co parent and give things like phone contact, also because they feel they want it when the child is with him, it is much better for everyone really if some flexibilty can be built in like my suggestion above but that no phone contact other than this is included.

It is absolutely your right to not have contact with your abuser, however, at times you will both need to communicate for the child, therefore third party comms of some form is essential – the OFW app is one way to do this.

Third party handovers are also better for everyone.

Yes, when the parents can communicate and he is not abusive then it is best that they do for the child, but when dealing with an abuser the opposite is best – a clean cut for everyone, the child can then also seperate mum’s house, dad’s house, adapt and work with this.

If you have a simple clear arrangement, that isn’t open to game playing, then a year from now once it’s been up and running and things are settled you will all move on; if it is open to interpretation or can be manipulated in any way he will only continue to make life miserable and on it goes.

Sadly, ultimately, the best way to deal with this is to let go; what goes on in your house is your business and vice versa; this does not mean you lose the power to act though if you feel the child needs you to do this if you believe the child is experiencing any kind of abuse, but rather than go to him on this, you go to another agency.

My job is now to support my child with whatever happens in this relationship only. You simply can not co parent with an abuser. FL.x

[ultimatelyStrong]

Thank you Fizzylem that’s really helpful. Saying or demanding anything that will come back on me is exactly what I’m trying to avoid.

Onestepforward…. unfortunately it really doesn’t matter to them what happened to you. It’s a very hard pill to swallow I know. I was in your position and refused contact which has now come back on me because even though he treated me terribly the court don’t see that it’s a reason for him not to have contact. So you’re doing the right thing allowing it I think. But make sure you log EVERYTHING, even small conversations. Send text screenshots to an email address, keep emails from him separate so they’re easier to find if you need them. Use a third party app for communication as Fizzylem suggests. I know it’s super unjust and heartbreaking, I’m with you there. We’ve all experienced the same here I’m sure. X*x

[Onestepforward]

Hi
I’m new here. I left my emotionally, verbal and coercive abusive ex in (detail removed by Moderator) with my daughter who is now (detail removed by Moderator) old. Thanks to the help of women’s aid.
I didn’t stop contact but worked it around her breastfeeding and to a minimum. My ex got a solicitor so I had to as I knew I couldn’t deal with him on my own. (detail removed by Moderator) My ex wasn’t happy (detail removed by Moderator). Cafcass said there were no safeguarding issue and me mentioning my abuse seemed to fall on deaf ears. Due to covid (detail removed by Moderator) has been delayed (detail removed by Moderator)
Now he has our daughter nearly (detail removed by Moderator) which is traumatic for me.
I’m scared (detail removed by Moderator) and I know I need to find a new solicitor but don’t know where to start. I can’t think past each day let alone contact for the future.
I feel like what happened to me doesn’t matter and I’m not protecting my daughter if he gets what he wants.
I can’t sleep or eat. I feel like I did just before I left.

[Author]

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