- This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 1 month ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
So I’ve done really well, got out, new home, new life. But (detail removed by Moderator) so child lives with both of us (separately).
Child is asking what happened that caused us to leave, but I protected child from ever finding out and it feels like telling what happened would undo some of my successes.
Besides which, child’s Dad is Mr Perfect to everyone but me. I don’t want to open child’s eyes to what he is but I know one day he will try to turn child against me with his lies.
-
Age makes a big difference in understanding, but I explained to mine along the lines of Mummy and Daddy weren’t happy together, and I thought we would both be happier apart. I explained the benefits for the children like having quality time with both parent separately, having two rooms, two sets of toys etc. If your child is young the ‘two homes’ book is good, and I’m sure there will be equivalents for older children.
Women’s Aid can offer support and advice, including for your child if needed in future. My ex sounds very like yours. He has blamed me, played the victim, is one of those ‘pillar of the community’ type people. He constantly lies to the children too. Now he can’t get to me directly he does it via malicious reports to social services, GP etc.
It is very tempting to tell children what is really going on, but its important not to. Two reasons – first is that anything you say will be used against you in court in future (likelihood is you’ll end up back there at some point). The second is that children need to be protected from these things as much as possible. As your child gets older, and understands more, they will be able to judge the situation for themselves. Try to lay the foundations for this by encouraging critical thinking skills. If they are talking about major issues (e.g. Daddy says you hit him) you can just say this is incorrect and Daddy shouldn’t be discussing adult things like this with you.
If its something more recent/ongoing that directly affects the children (e.g. Daddy says you keep stealing school jumpers… I get this sort of thing a lot) you can apply the critical thinking skills. Don’t say he’s lying. Encourage the child to think about it for themselves. Did the child have a jumper when they went to Daddy’s house. If so, how did you steal it? Did they see you steal it? Why would you steal it? Where are all the jumpers if you had stolen so many? Instead of telling my children their Dad is a liar I tell them that its important to look at evidence and decide for themselves. Longer term I think children will align with the parent that is consistent, honest, and not constantly trying to badmouth the other parent.
-
Thank you
-
I can relate to this but in a different way my ex partner is intouch with my children my life got worse haveing him back in my life when I ran away from him because of domestic abuse one of my children goes to see the dad often the thing Is this my ex partner is drumming things in to his head which makes me look the bad person it’s horrible . My child wants me to go back to my ex partner but I will never do that I feel like I am being controlled by one of my child my ex partner nows what bus to catch to the place I live I don’t even feel safe now my children told my ex partner where to (removed by moderator) . I don’t now what I do for the best I can get a other non molestation order but if I don’t that my child could resent me as he wants to see his dad . My ex partner keeps wanting to talk to me on the phone he keeps going on that he loves me still this is draining me out telling my kids to pass the phone to me I don’t want to talk to him . How can I make things safe now when my children are incontact with there dad ? One of my children don’t want to talk to the dad . I just want the dad out of my life for good his trying to do his hardest to get back with me . I wish live treated me better
-
Have you done the freedom course yet? It doesn’t provide all the answers but can add a little bit of padding to the shell you have to put around yourself.
Sadly I had to run from my ex more than once after child told him where we were living. These men do love exploiting our children for information. Ex managed to get child really angry at me for not asking if child wanted to move before we went to refuge.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
