Child seeing parent for couple hours, interim contsct til overnight in a week

[Joey]

I’m really concerned about my son seeing his father tomorrow. Its their first contact in (detail removed by moderator) weeks. Its court ordered.he’s only seeing him for a couple hours afyer school but I’m so worried how my son will react to this. He’s going to be upset because he’s not seen him and then is only having a few hours which I agree is necessary afyer the gap (I stopped contsct pending court).
Im worried my ex will make it worse for him also. Its so hard because I want what’s best for my son and I’m worried this is going to have a knock on effect to his behaviour. He’s just started school, his father’s been on holiday for (detail removed by moderator) weeks so has missed the beginning of him starting school. This is my sons first full week and so theres alot of adjustment for him. I don’t want my son upset, and it’s hard as his mother to not feel guilty that it’s my fault because I stopped contsct even though I feel validated in my reasons for this. I just feel very worried and guilty.

[KIP.]

Please please don’t feel guilty. You did everything out of love and concern which is more than can be said for his father. I’ve read many stories on here how these men enjoy the fight for access because they know you will be worried. Then when things settle down, they get bored. The main thing is he doesn’t have access to you. That’s how he will harm you and also your child. When he sees he can hurt you he will carry on his games. If it’s court ordered all you can do is keep a detailed journal of how things go and if there’s any abuse or manipulation of your child then you can ask for zero contact. I think he will be on his best behaviour to begin with. Meantime just be there as a rock and a constant for your child as no doubt his dad will not be a constant. It’s going to be quite a change all round. Plan something nice for you both to do after his visit to take his mind off it. And yours x

[diymum@1]

your child is still young so his voice wont count just yet because the court dont feel its good for them to be in the middle. well when is it ever but we have no choice 🙁 anyway if your child is distressed after contact its worth taking it back to the solicitor to curb the overnight contact for now. Your child might be fine going and your ex might behave but his behaviour wont last. the advice above id great keep a journal dates and times how your child was before and after contact. im assuming its pick up from school then drop off at your house? xx i think it does depend on how your ex works. my ex picked at my child to see what i was doing and asked her to tell me things like who he was dating and even to relay put downs. thats when you really need a third party for handovers and communication xx if your child becomes distressed get WA on side and the GP xxxx you can vary youre order if its not working for your child x

[Joey]

Hi I think I will keep a journal. Hs was fine last week, this week my son started becoming rude to me again and today is his first overnight weekend. He wouldn’t lete leave school. He was clinging to me, kept running back out and grabbing me, a TA had to intervene to help. He was basically displaying the behaviours that concerned me enough that the week on week off arrangement wasn’t working.

So I’m keeping an eye on this in the coming weeks /months and hoping school notice it as well tbh. I definitely know he will be on his best behaviour right now because that’s what he does.
He uses lures of lots of presents for my son so that’s all I’ve heard off my son for (detail removed by moderator) weeks, how he wants to get his presents and have I got him lots too. To a (detail removed by moderator)yr old you can’t compete against presents

All I know is I am his rock and his constant. He’s settled in wonderfully at a hool, some issues with his listening but me and his teacher have been talking and coming up with things to help him. I’ve been doing his work with him, taking him his activities after school, he’s been doing amazing and it’s hard not to say its because he’s not seen or has been limited in his contact with his father. It coyls be the structure of school and that routine but any upset to that will and does affect him.
It’s so hard not to worry. All I do is promote contsct, I never speak ill of his father in front of Him or to him, as much as sometimes when I get the “daddy let’s me. Do this, daddy let’s me have that” it’s hard not to, but I bite my tongue and simply. Say well thats up to daddy when you’re there with him but with me x y and z etc.

[diymum@1]

your child will know deep down and also in time that good parent sets boundaries. i remember as a child being kept in line and i knew my parents were right and this was good for me. keep your routines when hes with you and teach him about what acceptable and unacceptable behaviour is by using examples on TV in life but obviously not relating directly to his dad 🙂 consistency is key with kids – he will see through his dad. see how the contact goes but if he is getting angry – withdrawn – any behaviour that is a change jot it down and when you have the evidence i would personally curb the contact xx

[Escapee]

Is the school fully aware? They will have a child protection officer and probably a learning mentor of some description. When they are aware of potential problems they can help enormously, they will also keep records and note patterns of behaviour. This will help should you need to go back to court to halt access.

[diymum@1]

if you go back to court your child could have safe contact in a contact centre with your ex – if you google the NACCC national standards there safety measures and protols are actually impecable they have such a good understanding of dv even coersive control xx theyre guided and referred to by the courts xx they can help you stop contact also xx

[Joey]

(court detail removed by moderator) and there only issue is how my ex is with me at handovers, no issues with him and my son.
The contsct order is already falling apart and I’m so stressed with it.
He’s not feeding him on his short weekly visits, gave him his sister overnight (detail removed by moderator) when he should have had him. It’s just, messy as per.
School are aware of things but how much they monitor it all I couldn’t say.
I don’t think it’ll ever get referred to contact centres or similar tbh. The coercive, manipulative control/abuse isn’t a factor etc or not massively so I dont think it’s going to go down contsct centre routes. Though with how wrong this is going I think it needs it for handovers now.
Or at least recommend going forward.
Im just bending over backwards as per to try keep as much of the routine together for my son as I csn. He’s doing so well with his routines, bedtimes and school Id hate to keep messing it all up for him. He’s come on wonderfully.

[diymum@1]

womens aid will write to the courts asking that this is the best method of handover – it sounds like he will give up if you do this too. my ex had no interest in his daughter he panned her off to other people when he had her for his order. contact centre is daunting for a man like this because the staff know why hes there – because he cant behave himself. neglect is still abuse. if you have a look at the contact centre protocols theyre very proactive in child protection xx

[Joey]

How do women’s aid write to them for this?
I’m not involved with women’s aid so to speak.
Other than this forum.
Oh ye I’m sure they are, I just don’t think thats the way court are going to take it at all. I think they want us to just sort everything out tbh.
But I have my concerns. It’s like a red flag everytime he comes back.
It’s supposed to be (detail removed by moderator), yet my sons telling me he and daddy got the train, he didn’t have breakfast. I’m just not happy. Its exavtly why I didn’t want any overnights where school was the next day. He’s just doing what he wants and I’m cornered completely. I’ve gotta be amenable and just agree or sort something out with him, when reality is he’s doing what ever he wants and I’ve to just tow the line. I don’t feel any different through this process than I did pre courts etc. I feel like benefit of the doubt is always in his favour. Like I’ve got to just be flexible and just do things I don’t want. Pick lesser of evils so to speak that I don’t agree with for his benefit when I think they’re impractical or unfair to my son. I really thought it’d be stricter. That he couldn’t get away with all this and it’s still happening 😭. I didn’t sleep last night through stress. Again. I’m at an absooloss. Again

[Author]

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