Child starting to self harm…

[iwillbeok]

I’ve been away and NC for a short time now – and it feels like the more I heal (roller coaster is getting fewer dips and less falling into pits of despair) the harder things are with the kids. My daughter has said she doesn’t want to go to their father’s anymore, has said that she hates him – he’s always angry (seems some things haven’t changed!). It seems she catches the brunt of his moods more (along with me, she would be accused of being on a power trip if refused things – eg trying a new food!!) than my son. I think son is seen as a “mini-me” copy of himself. I think daughter has received all the misogynist messages from ex-husband growing up and feels ‘not good enough’, can’t do anything right.

She has begun, recently, to cut (self harm) and has said she would be happier if she never existed. She doesn’t want to die as that would upset people! She wants to have never been around! I just held her and told her I wasn’t cross, I wasn’t judging her, I was just feeling her pain and that I was there for her. I have done a little reading and will continue to read some more.

My children are so hurt by this whole ordeal, I try to talk with them but they are so full of anger and hurt, that they lash out at each other. It is so hard to direct the conversation to taking ownership of their behaviours. I admit my failings, try to lead by example, trying to establish boundaries but I am trying to update years (a lifetime for them!) of growing up in a toxic, abusive home.

Thankfully, I see glimpses of the kind, caring, sensitive children that they are underneath all this pain and it gives me hope. I do, however, worry that the damage is already done. And worry for their future relationships, mental health and whether patterns will repeat themselves in their lives (eg unhealthy relationships for themselves).

[Alicenotichains]

Hello iwillbeok,

Well done for going NC and for getting out. I am also recently out. Perhaps now the abuse has stopped your kids are starting to process what happened?
My daughter started to self harm last year and began to talk about how depressed she was. The school got involved and now she has a counsellor who has given her some distraction techniques and talked through some of her issues. She has talked to me about suicide and that frightened me. Now we are an abuse free zone I am just going to work on maintaining a peaceful happy and supportive home and to model strength and independence to my kids. Can you speak to your child’s school and arrange some counselling perhaps? Also plan some fun stuff so you can enjoy your new found freedom? It’s sounds like you have a lot on your plate but you are doing so well. Lots of love Xxxx

[Confused123]

HI Hun

Well done for nc , this will be a testing time for u as everyone emotions are coming out, its good they are talking and releasing their feelings, try to arrange support for them, counselling can be good, btu kids dont take sadly, each one takes when ready, is their a mnetor that could support them at school, involve school to see what they can do to help. I have been there, kids really appreciate the support later, at the moment they cant process it

[iwillbeok]

Thank you for your replies. We have seen GP and they have been totally wonderful! Very understanding and put her at ease – she was so scared…

We have some goals re speaking to the school (I am quietly pessimistic (not that I let daughter know that) about the outcome as they don’t really seem to have their act together – good teachers leaving etc), so we will see how we go…

We have follow up appt in few weeks. I think the trust was built a little during the appt and daughter seemed a little relieved after. Both because it wasnt as scary as she thought and because its been admitted to and we have the beginnings of a plan to deal with it (not explaining myself properly but I think you guess what I mean)…

I was also pleased to hear GP say to her that she shouldn’t feel like she has to see her Dad if she doesn’t want to.

Take care all,
xx

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Thats wonderful that you are reaching out for support and she is accepting, def try to see if she can get a counsellor, i found that when they have someone else to speak to they open up more and things are out things into prescpective for them

[Suntree]

Glad you have a great GP and will be getting support.
Mine are back in counselling and we are slowly working through anger, grief, guilt, understanding and a whole lot more.
I am also trying to help them direct that anger and feelings to a safe place and acknowledge it.
With that it can be doing something physical like dragging them to their club or we were outside in the rain bouncing off the emotions which had got stuck.
Sometimes just talking isn’t enough and I think that is very true for children who bottle their feelings up.

I know that one of mine is finding this time very hard as it is focusing on the abuse and it is showing from the triggers and behavour at home, but as they say if they stop they will have no-one to talk to. For they like yours had started to self harm, so they didn’t hurt anyone else and to get rid of the feelings that were inside.
I’m hoping now they will have tools to be able to help them in the future, but my heart breaks that they shouldn’t have been put through any of this at their young age and by someone who was supposed to be their protection against the world.

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