- This topic has 5 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 6 months ago by
iwillbeok.
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3rd August 2018 at 6:51 pm #62290
iwillbeok
ParticipantHi,
I have been no contact with my abusive husband since he was arrested. My children saw him initially by making their own arrangements. My youngest accidently found out why he was arrested (rape) – though they had recognised the rest of the abuse on their own before this and was limiting contact. They now want nothing to do with him and had gone very low/no contact. Child now wants to send him a message as to why they don’t want to see him (as he keeps asking why). I understand that child is looking for the same kind of thing I wanted initially – some kind of validation or apology but I know full well he will not give that. I am concerned that this will inflame things and look like I have been encouraging parental alienation. There is no contact orders in place – the children organise their own contact. My child is worried that if they don’t reply to his messges that he may demand to see them and go through the courts. I understand that at their age the courts would likely take into account their wishes but how far would this likely go? Eg if child wants no contact will vourt say you have to see father at least some times?
Iwillbeok x
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3rd August 2018 at 8:35 pm #62292
KIP.
ParticipantUnder the circumstances you describe I cannot see a court forcing an older child to have unwanted contact. Perhaps ring the rape Crisis helpline for some advice but I would maybe encourage your child to write a letter to their dad with all their feelings then to burn it. Not to send it. Try to get all their pent up anger out in the letter and tell them that it’s ok to have no contact with people they don’t feel safe around. They have a choice as to who is allowed in their life and that their father is not their responsibility. You can always get a fre half hour session with a family solicitor to put your mind at ease. Abusers are liars so don’t believe a word he says x
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3rd August 2018 at 8:47 pm #62293
iwillbeok
ParticipantThanks KIP, I had suggested burning a letter with everything child wants say. Child is stubborn (😁) and thinks this won’t help.
I will continue to encourage this idea. Whatever child writes to him wouldn’t be the full edit of emotions anyway, so doubt this would actually help child in the end. All it does then is re-open the communication for him to deny, downplay and gaslight his way out of child’s concerns.
I did think the courts would hardly force an older child who can speak their mind to go into a situation where they feel unsafe – but you do read the most stupid decisions and lack of justice doesn’t instil much faith in the legal system!
Iwillbeok x
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3rd August 2018 at 9:17 pm #62294
KIP.
ParticipantMy teenager was stubborn too. ‘I can handle dad’ he said. In the end I just Had to let him handle things his own way and be there to pick up the pieces. It’s better they find out (Detail removed by Moderator) their dads are when we are about to support them x hang in there.
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4th August 2018 at 9:58 am #62301
freedomtochoose
BlockedHello there, letter is good idea I would say but also maybe some other way of letting out feelings.
Drama class? Not directly to talk about this but it is one way of helping emotions being worked through..
music, rap? rock music?The other thing is to remember that young people can be amazingly resilient. Yes they do need our support but they sometimes have a strength we may not have due to what we have experienced…
At least I have seen a strength in my own babes which must have arrived somewhere along the line.
Wishes of support for you all, this is really tough and you are doing well posting here.
Just ignore the bits in this post that don’t apply here if they are not helpful. Every situation is different.
ftc
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5th August 2018 at 4:56 pm #62341
iwillbeok
ParticipantThank you KIP and ftc,
I am worn out! Teen is being anxious, defiant, isolated and very clingy in equal measures! So being a normal teen I guess! However, I feel there is a lot of unresolved trauma and self-esteem issues. They had some counselling a while ago now, and I saw a big improvement. I don’t know that specific DV issues were discussed though I did discuss these at the assessment when we first met with the counsellor. Teen is constantly apologising and is hyper-vigilant to my moods (which can make it very tough for me to process my healing!). They also quite often go through periods of asking me, numerous times in a short while, whether I love them and/or why I love them. I have (heavily) suggested more counselling / help lines / journaling (all the things that have helped me) but am met with “That wont help.” “There’s no-one I can talk to.” (as in teen has already decided in their own mind that they won’t be able to talk to anybody – it’s not about the counsellor it’s about them); etc. I just try and continue to offer support and let them know that the minute they do feel able to reach out I will arrange it asap.
Teen doesn’t want to upset me by talking about things either (but then usually does anyway!). On top of all this older teen is now living most of the time with abuser. I just keep re-iterating that my door is always open; and when we are together, try as hard as possible to show that things can be different now to how they used to be (I try to draw firm boundaries about how we talk to each other, and treat each other) and as a result we have a lot more fun and laughter. I don’t want to add pressure to older teen that I would really prefer that they stayed with me. My abuser seems now to be upping his bribery of older teen to cement their relationship by getting older teen involved in his hobby – he is (and I see now, always did) trying to make child into his ‘mini-me’. Older teen always idolised their father and although stands up for father in the dispute about younger teen having contact with their dad, older teen does acknowledge how I was treated. It seems older child is in denial about how they as children were treated, and the effect of growing up in the abusive, egg-shell walking environment. I don’t want to confront him with the truth too much at once and risk that they then react by rejecting me and younger teen in favour of father who I see is love-bombing older teen, with expensive gifts etc, and I suspect triangulating teens off each other (by putting older teen in the middle of him and younger teen with respect to being upset about lack of contact).
Sorry so long (and probably very confusing!) a message – thanks for reading if you managed to get this far. It helps just to get it all out. My heart is breaking at the effect he has had on my children – they are jaded and cynical beyond their years, self-esteem is at rock-bottom, their motivation at school has dropped so they haven’t reached their full potentials. I’m so b****y angry that he has not only affected my life in this negative way, but has affected, and will continue to affect my children’s lives; despite his protestations that he has been nothing but a good husband and father. Blegh!
Iwillbeok (and so will my children!) x
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