Child with dad during summer holidays

[Anon123]

Lots of us have managed to break free from our relationships but any ideas how to help a child see what’s happening to them is not right.
Despite what goes on (lots of mental /mind games and occasional physical) they still say to professionals they want to see their dad. Yet they don’t know any different (they are junior school age).
I know how much I struggled to leave and how difficult it was to stand up to him (Impossible ) so why do the professionals think a child can do it easily or know that they can trust them to be kept safe when they’ve been let down by them so many times in the past.
Ideas of how to help my child would be so helpful.

[Serenity]

Hi Anon,

I have the same with my youngest. The court has ordered him to spend half the holidays with his abuser dad.

I would try to educate them in general about bullying behaviour, and how to stand up tobiues. Though they might not feel able to stand up to him now, you are building the foundations for when they are a bit older and might feel more able to do so.

You are also teaching them your moral and value system. That is, that it’s not ok to bully. Our abusers will try to brainwash our kids and make them into mini clones.

I would say flood your kids with affection but teach them right from wrong; help your kids feel that they can speak to you about anything and discuss anything that worries them. Try to appear unfazed and strong, even if you don’t feel it underneath, so they won’t be worried about telling you things. Log everything that worries you, to build a picture.

We have the strength to beat these abusers. Nothing is stronger than genuine love.

[Anon123]

Thank you so much for your excellent advice serenity.
It’s so hard knowing what they are going through but I’m going to
Boost their foundations when they get back -thank you so much for your ideas

[Suntree]

Be loving and kind, firm and have boundaries. Keep any promises you make to them.
let them talk about their time away and fears but don’t press them on it or him or make them shut up either.
I found it help to think that they were with a friends from school and talking about the friends parents to help me stay that little bit more detached but still allow them to know I was interested in what my kids did and how they were.
Don’t send them off saying be good. No one is good all the time.
Do all the mundane stuff when they are away so you can spend time with them, be it cooking together, reading stories, going to the park and swinging on the swings with them, rather that tiding the house.
Be prepared for him to not want them for the time he is allocated and to try and mess you around.
Don’t run around after him no matter how hard it is.
Good luck, been there its hard x

[Serenity]

You are so right, Suntree. Excellent advice.

The line ‘not wanting them for the time allocated’ struck home! After trying to push his father’s rights, my ex is now starting to return my kids early! People said this would happen!

[Serenity]

Anon,

It seems crazy that our kids have bullies as fathers, and that we need to teach them anti- bullying techniques to protect them from their own fathers, but unfortunately this is the case. However, there is potential for raising our kids to be both good and strong individuals. Your kids are young, and you have lots of time to teach them in your own loving way.

X

[Author]

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