Children

[White Rose]

There have been a lot of posts over time about our abusers and how they impact on our children.
Some are of how we struggle when a child decides to stay with abuser and we worry for their safety and also how this contact might shape their future relationships. Some are of the negative impact on our children of their experiences past and present. There’s a lot of queries about contact issues and seeking areas of support for our children. There might even be sone success stories in there somewhere!
My own experiences of my child’s life with abuse involve physical abuse of her by her dad, emotional abuse over years and also financial abuse – refusing to release savings. She’s had significant mental health issues… suicide attempts, admission to adolescent mental health unit for several months as a young teen, psychotic episodes possibly linked with ongoing interaction, risk taking, instability in education etc etc.
Over time I’ve seen a pattern….. more contact leads to worsening of her health (mental and physical) and when younger her behaviour too – boy was she a handful!!
Engagement with therapy for her over time has been poor…he refused to allow, he did not take to appointments, he refused to attend family therapy, he offerred to pay for private counselling then withdrew offer after her first appointment, he told psychiatrists he’d never wanted children, that he didn’t believe she had any health issues, that he wanted her put in care for her behaviour, that she was evil. He also said some of those to her face.
She’s recently opened up about her life as a child in a home where abuse was part of everyday life and she remembers a lot but some of the more significant stuff she seems to have blocked at the moment. Unless I imagined it happening?
Several years on she’s sought out help for herself and continues to receive it.
She told me recently she feels we have a really good relationship as mum and daughter and as a friend and ally, she says her friends are jealous of her. She also said she has no relationship whatsoever with her dad and has no need for one. I know he’s seeking contact. I know he’s upset her recently through attempted contact. I know he’s stalking her – but she knows this too and has reported his behaviour to the police with advice to continue logging it with them.
I have no idea what her future holds in terms of mental health health, or physical health for that matter as her mental health issues when they flare go hand in hand with significant eating problems. I don’t know what she’ll be like in a relationship, or how she’ll handle her own children if she has any.
I worry about her ability to engage in work/career as she lacks focus at times. Seems to settle into something then “slips” emotionally and either pulls out or is “let go”. I know some slips have been due to dad contact which frustrates me. He messes things up just when she feels she’s getting somewhere. I think she’s learned not to share her positives with him as he destroys them. Hopefully as she’s opted out of contact and blocks or reports him things may improve.
I’m rambling and offloading and that wasn’t the point of the post at all!
My main reason was to see if Lisa felt a forum for child issues might be an option?
Take care ladies. Love to you and your children whether they are with you today or not x*x

[Iwon]

I think it is so sad these men get a feeling of power from hurting there own children. I notice with my son he shuts down emotionally she he visited his dad. He blocks his dad’s comments and when he comes home I give him cuddles and love and let him talk about it. I tell him he is truly living and lovable but his daddy has mental health problems ( he is (Detail removed by Moderator)). His dad’s not capable of being a good dad because he is mentally troubled. I let him know it is not his fault.

He used to be confused by his dad’s stories about how I had abused him but he has come to see him in all his glory these days and don’t believe a word he said.

However long it takes kids see in the end who us abusive and don’t care about them. Your poor child x hope she is getting there. Less contact the better x

[KIP.]

I would urge any woman on here to fight tooth and nail to refuse contact with their children’s father. Let him take you to court if he wants to. Any contact with us is toxic and any contact with their children is toxic. My ex destroyed any career prospects our son had. It was like he didn’t want him to succeed. His controlling behaviour continues to this day.

[Lisa]

Hi White Rose,

Thank you for your suggestion of a forum for child issues. We appreciate any suggestions or feedback on developing the Survivors’ Forum.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[enofadov]

So scary for me as this is what I fear but nobody will listen

[Author]

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