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I’ve been out of my relationship not (detail removed by Moderator) months yet but my toddler has just started processing things, nightmares and he’s said a couple of things.
Will contact my health visitor to deal with this as it sounds like trauma but is there anyone on here that’s navigated contact with the abusive dad?
Or how to help process, they’re so young they just blurt stuff out.
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Hi Llgirl
Its very sad when they are so young and suffer, and its difficult to know what to say to help them understand. I’m sure you are doing all the right things, and seeking help from the HV is a great first step to getting help to help them.
There’s also a book called When Dad hurts Mom, Lundy Bancroft. There are also groups and group work, maybe ask your nearest DV agency what they can recommend locally? I’m not sure what age they would start from.
You will be helping them when you simply allow the words to come, and give support appropriate to their age. Allow and accept what they say and offer comfort if needed. You can generalise and say that some people hurt others, and its not ok, and that its important to go to a safe adult to tell them if you feel unsafe, scared, or are hurt by someone. Make sure they know who the ‘safe adults’ would be, like early years carers they may have, some of your family members maybe, and check this out with them first so they are aware stuff has been said and how to help them support. Its important to not lay your own words over what they say, but to keep a note of the exact words they use, and use those words to further understand what they mean.
Depending on what they say, you will need to act to protect them during contact times, maybe that means they have supervised contact if you know someone you could trust and would be ok to help with that?
I hope it goes well with your HV and do keep posting whenever you need.
warmest wishes
ts
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I’m glad you have a fantastic HV, I was concerned you wouldn’t as my experience was awful. Made to talk about abuse in a public room with other babies being weighed and I’m in tears, given rubbish advice in relation to the behaviours being displayed and promised a follow up which never came. My youngest is similar age and displays some issues I don’t think are just age related.
Re navigating co-parenting, I’ve found being their safe place helps. When they come back from his just sit and have a cuddle, don’t question them, don’t react when dad or partners are mentioned or if they say things like they don’t want you. I’ve found things come out a few days later usually in the car on way home from nursery. My ex sees our child a few hours a week, when he feels like it. I know he’s messing me about but I refuse to react, I keep everything short and factual. I don’t even tell our child if/when dad is coming on pick up day until I’m absolutely convinced he’s on his way because watching a toddler’s heartbreak when they cancel is awful, in fairness at any age its hard to see that for your kids. A friend gave me the tip to keep your day running as it would if he wasn’t coming, she’d had a deadbeat dad and wished her mum had cooked Sunday dinners or gone to the park on those days instead of waiting around as that’s what she remembers.
Good luck, hope you find some good methods, perhaps share them too xx
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Hi lovely,
So sorry you’re in a similar position, breaks your heart doesn’t it seeing them hurt. So I did some drawings with my toddler, happy times, sad times, and then we spoke about who they want around him, what they likes, and it helped open up a bit of a conversation as they’re still so small. Happy to go into more detail on private chat, don’t want to give too much away on here in terms of exercises and what came of it.
We are currently going through the legal process to decide how contact should happen, but again can go into more detail if you want.
Inbox is always open
Xx
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