Children and Gas Lighting

[Thistle06]

Hi
My ex has started gas lighting my children and I don’t know what to do. He is also moving house and refusing to tell the children where it is. I’ve now got an anxious (detail removed by Moderator) yo who is worried and upset. He also directly lied to my daughter saying his mother wasn’t visiting and (detail removed by Moderator) mins later his mother turned up . I’ve logged it all. He also subjects them to slideshows of photos of him and them. What should I do?

[KIP.]

I’d explain the dynamics of abusive behaviour and that it’s absolutely no reflection on them, it’s their father’s behaviour that’s unacceptable. Just be there and keep speaking the truth. They will find out for themselves soon enough after one too many episodes. Equip them with the skills to recognise abuse and coercion. Ask the kids if they want to take a step back from visiting for a while x abusers thrive on drama so explain its best to give him zero reaction x you can also ring the NSPCC helpline or the national domestic abuse helpline x

[Thistle06]

I think you’re right I’m going to phone the nspcc., when my daughter asked him to stop the sideshow (it was upsetting her but she wouldn’t tell him that ) and he refused.
It’s totally pickling my sons brain and its making my daughter difficult.
They need help. I talk to them but they keep coming back tense with each other x*x

[KIP.]

Perhaps you could all take a break from him. Abusers love to cause chaos and sit back and watch.

[Anonymous]

Hi Thistle06,

I’m so sorry you and your children are going through this.
I agree with KIP. If they are old enough, explain tactics of abuse. Don’t use their father as an example. Just explain generally. We have to be very careful because these men try to say we are alienating them when our children open their eyes or we try to protect them.
It breaks my heart that these men play with our children’s emotions.
I told my kids to watch what people do over what they say.
While abusive men accuse us of alienation, they are trying their best to turn our kids against us.
Sadly I find that children’s services are still only concerned with bruises and broken bones. And proving anything can be very difficult going against someone who vomits lies.
Keep up with journaling. Sounds like you want the best for your children. I hope you stay close and strong together xx

[JustMe@]

Kip and Ocean give good advice. Once I started engaging with my children about the things their dad had said, they started to draw their own conclusions. I would say “I am confused because ..a… but then ..b..” Or when shoe shopping would explain to them that “I find it very stressful to have to ask for his (detail removed by moderator) contribution to your shoes because…. etc.

Giving a name to the issue and making it explicit has bought about a great improvement in my mental health and improved my relationship with my boys.

I have recently started to ask the children to retell what they said when it has been particularly appalling, having put my phone on record mode beforehand. Thankfully the climate is now much more understanding of the insidious nature of coercive control, and that it is not always possible to produce a clear audit trail of events to demonstrate it.

Mind you, it will not change how your ex behaves, it will just give you and your kids ways to cope better. My ex is behaving in an appalling way, irrationally abusive as well as manipulating, and the last thing I want is for him to know what the boys have said to me. He can make them regret it and stop sharing anything with me. These kinds of individuals get more furious when the pressing the same old buttons no longer works, but then they don’t know what to do.

I would also love advice or links to articles on how to help my children cope with this behaviour.

[cakepops]

I get this constantly too, and at times it sounds like my abuser is still in the house because of the things they say to me.

I have found that my older child (sadly I can’t give the age but nowhere near a teen) has started to understand that they are being lied to often. For example, my younger one said that they couldn’t do a particular type of activity at their dads house, and that their dad had said it was because I don’t let them see him often enough. Little one said I am mean because of this. But my older one pointed out that they had just been at their dads for the weekend and had plenty of time to do the activity if their dad had let them (it was something easy and free so no reason not to). Youngest still thought it was my fault, but he is too young to be able to rationalise that his dad is lying. There’s been so many examples like this recently that my older child has taken to constantly asking why their dad is a liar. Which is good that the child has noticed, but bad that its clearly causing anxiety too.

[diymum@1]

When dad hurts mum by Lindy Bancroft covers this. There’s not a lot out there but I did my own research my push to go for no contact was when my daughter’s anxiety went through the roof. Also the research I read was from the (detail removed by Moderator) police kids do learn this behaviour is ok it’s a fine line teaching them right from wrong with an abuser in the mix xx reach out for help my honest opinion is abusers should not be allowed to parent it’s extreme but I have to be honest xx not easy I know

[Silverbirch]

This is a very sad thread to read. My children are all young adults now and it is only very recently that they have begun to see for themselves what their father has been up to. Now that I am out of the way he can’t torment me so he has started to play his sinister games with them. One of my children actually named his behaviour to them as gaslighting. It is heartbreaking to see their confusion because they love him but his behaviour is toxic. I don’t know how people can do this to their own children – I guess it’s that belief in their own entitlement. Wishing you and your children well Thistle06. x

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