Children being used.

[Aquawoman]

I decided to leave my husband (detail removed by moderator)mths ago but, he refused to move out and as I pay for the majority of the bills I can’t afford to move out. Recently I’ve been struggling with my youngest child’s behaviour. He is copying alot of the behaviours he’s seeing and the way he speaks to me is very much like his dad, it’s heart breaking. I try to keep things like routine and rules in place but my eex husband purposefully gets him to do the opposite and encourages him not to do what he is being told. I fully appreciate that his behaviour is not his fault but I’m finding it difficult to cope with. Any advice would be appreciated.

[fizzylem]

Alienation is so difficult to deal with, have felt at my wits end more than few times A, it’s great you have picked it up and you are onto it, but I’m so sorry to hear you and your son are going through this. Sigh.

It is a form of emotional abuse, it creates anger issues for the child, challenging behaviour for you, it disables you as the child’s helper, which means he is isolated and has no one for support and guidance, it blocks bonding, learning and fun, creates emotional difficulties and hinders development – it really is dreadful and you’ll need help with it from outside agencies.

Don’t let it continue, call the NSPCC for help and advice, you tend to get a better service from a charity than children’s services, they get it and aim to stop every child from suffering abuse – they are much more attentive and pro active. Don’t underestimate the damage this can cause a little one – I know this first hand; they can recover over time but it needs to stop first. It will rob him of his care free childhood. Act now, you won’t regret it, you’ll only regret not having done it sooner x

[ssid]

Sorry from me too. I know what you mean as we have this. It used to be destroying bedtimes and mealtimes and now that we left its emotional manipulation, it just never stops, and despite what the courts have told him it doesn’t stop him, and noone can make him.

Thats really useful fizzylem. I hadn’t thought of the nspcc. I wish I’d thought of that when we were going through courts.

My advice is to get him out as at least once hes gone you can manage the behaviour without being continually undermined or risk further aggression from him.

I dont think theres a way to alter behaviour whilst the abuser is screwing it all up.

I would try having quiet talks whenever their dad is out, about how people like to be treated and how growing up is about learning to manage our disappointments and angers and not to hurt others just because we get angry.

I don’t know, i haven’t exactly felt like I’ve had any answers just muddled through, but nspcc might have some good guidance.

Good luck with it

[diymum@1]

From what I’ve experienced my self ‘ total alienation’ my ex lied said I was a bad mum that I was a cheat – complete projection as that’s what he was xx so in the end (detail removed by moderator) we got him out the picture he was told stay away xx it does affect the kids but the above advice is great make sure you drum into the kids good old fashioned morals- I have taught my youngest life is about people always consider people’s feelings boundaries are a must xx (detail removed by moderator) my daughter was affected for say 6 months post no contact xx kids are resilient she has bounced back this is retrievable xx keep going and when they know that there rock is you where the heart lies the feet will wander xx they will want you the one they can rely on xx

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