Children crying & saying they miss him..

[iliketea]

Me again!
How do you deal with this one? Mine come back from their time with their dad and have started really crying about how much they miss him. Non-stop saying they miss him. I don’t know what to say or do after about half an hour of it. I try and distract, I try and ask how we can make it better (put up photos of him by their beds), set up a daily facetime (although I would hate to have to do that and have him in the house every day). Its been a while, and this is only just happening now. Why, I dont understand it.

The thing I dont get is that they are primary school age, not really small, so I dont get why/how they dont remember what it was like. He was particularly horrible to one of them and that one is the worst with the missing and crying and saying might want to live with him.

It was really bad when he was here. Really bad, they used to say they were scared of him. And now they are crying because they cant see him in the mornings – but that was when he was at his very worst, not speaking to anyone, or being rude to me, swearing, banging around, angry.

I know that he has been love bombing them in a way, especially the one he used to pick on, the one that is doing the most crying. He’s buying presents for them, only for that one, big extravagant ones, everytime he sees them. They eat take out or have pizzas when they’re there, loads of sweets, fizzy drinks, hot chocolates. There aren’t any rules apparently and they have a lot of screen time and gaming. I suppose thats it.. But can children really be that shallow?!

I don’t know how to manage it, no idea what to say, how do you deal with it? They’re not old enough yet to know the full truth. i try to say things like daddy wasn’t happy with mummy so he’s gone to live somewhere else, but he loves you, and things like that but it doesn’t seem to help. Can anyone give me any help on how to cope? I know I shouldn’t but Im finding it really hurtful and like he’s won them, and that he’s still twisting the knife, Im going to the food bank and he’s buying extravagant presents. Im struggling to cope. Any tips? Thank you.x

[Eggshells]

It sounds like they’re trauma bonded and susceptible to the love bombing. They’re easy targets as they are so young. Can you talk to the children’s school? They may have access to a counsellor to help them cope.

[Hetty]

They will be going through a grieving process. Try not to worry too much as it’s normal. I would say to be mindful that your ex may be saying things to them which upsets them. My child’s dad used to bad mouth me and say things like I was going to stop the contact. Obviously you don’t want to be interrogating them when they come home but just be mindful of this and watch for any other signs of distress. For example, them becoming unsettled before contact.
They have lived through the abuse too but they will also be trauma bonded and children also see things in a very innocent way. My guess is they are probably stuck on the fantasy as opposed to the reality. Often they just want things to feel normal even when we know as adults that normal was actually abnormal.
Let them have their emotions and talk about how they miss their dad. You don’t have to save them from that upset or distract them. It needs to come out and you are building your open communication with them. So for example, saying something like “I know you’re missing daddy so much and it makes you so sad” helps to validate how they’re feeling. You can add that it’s ok and normal for them to feel this way, that lots of children have mum’s and dad’s that don’t live together and it’ll feel better in time. You could probably find books online you might want to read with them.
I know how heartbreaking it is to see your children upset and you want to take the pain away but it’s something they’ll work through in their own time with your support. Reassure them as you are about how lived they are. I found setting up some new little rituals for me and my child helps – just little things like having a picnic tea on Saturday’s, going on a walk on a Sunday xx

[gettingtired]

Hello, I’m afraid I can’t give much advice on helping them to cope really as I’m not a parent but I have heard others talk about a book called When Dad hurts Mom by Lundy Bancroft which may help? (It may be possible to download online). Also, as Eggshells said counselling for children perhaps through the school or womens aid?

What I will say is I used to be the same when I’d come back from staying at my Dad’s as a child.
Like yours, I was quite spoilt when I stayed with him. He used to let me pick out food and treats I’d like at the shop that I didn’t really get at home, he had Sky tv (which Mum didn’t), he’d buy me things sometimes when we went out and would withdraw cash before he dropped me home (which always made me feel guilty even though he had more money than Mum). Me and my siblings would get to stay in presidential suites of hotels, went on exotic holidays, get expensive gifts at Christmas/birthdays etc. I think he enjoyed showing off tbh and probably got a kick out of knowing Mum didn’t take us places like that or have such money (pathetic).. I also recall watching hours of cartoons on Sky when I was at his (probably him being lazy).
My Dad can be ok but there have been incidents where he has been very nasty to me in the past so perhaps it was like a trauma bond as Eggshells said. I often felt guilty and sorry for him..
For me, I know my Mum’s the one I can rely on and I’m sure your children (even though they’re just little now) feel more secure with you. I also know my Mum did and paid for all of the ‘normal’ parent stuff so I appreciate her (and stepdad) for being the ones who really raised me whereas Dad just paid for things he wanted me to have.. I can see him for what he is now so tend to limit contact as I find him draining.
Sorry not sure if this has been of much help but just wanted to say I understand. I remember crying when I came home and feeling angry at my Mum and stepdad even though they hadn’t done anything so I think it can be a normal reaction xx

[Neueranfang]

Hi Iliketea,
I can feel your pain.My abusive partner hasn’t actually left yet but he has been told to leave (family, social services) and I have been begging him to leave for quite a while now.Our children are also primary school age and my eldest son seems to be siding with him.He wants to live with him and makes out I am the mean one.Very painful, considering this man never done anything good for his children.They are 100% my credit and his input is just shocking.If he stays any longer my children will grow up to be bullies and all the horrific words he taught them when calling me names.I wish my child could see I’m not the bad one here.My partner also told my eldest child that I’m breaking the family up and he tried his best to make things work.So unfair – so not true.
I can relate to what you said about the mornings.My partner is also at his very worst in the mornings.He will bang about, first not talk to anyone, then start with the abuse.My jeans might be too tight or he is annoyed that I washed my hair the night before.Then he will ask me who I am gonna be around at work and tell me I only want to be around other men and so on.I’m terrified of the mornings.May I ask you how you got out of your relationship in the end?Sending lots of strength xxxx

[Qrst1234]

Hi Iliketea,

I totally understand what you are going through, my children are similar ages and when their dad first moved out it was ok, then the younger one would return in tears each visitation and it transpired it was because the kids where told that mummy was controlling the contact etc (I am far from controlling it). He definitely did the same love bombing, no rules, junk food. Kids do eventually see through this. Please please don’t worry about kids siding with one parent, they do see through this and the other parent can’t keep up the pretence forever.
Perpetrators will always try to control you, even after break up, and when they can’t get to you, they move to the children. It’s very sad.

[KIP.]

Just checking to see if things have settled down. The NSPCC have a helpline if you need to talk x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Hi there,

My daughter is exactly The same at present. She’s very young so she doesn’t remember what her dad was like and I tried to hide it from her so she was emotionally scarred. She says she misses him about 10 times a day, cries, gets upset, asks if he can live with us again. You just have to be strong and keep repeating the same thing. I think it’s quite normal but just wanted you to know you’re not on your own x

[Author]

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