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… just wanted to ask, where there has been verbal and emotional abuse (which is denied by husband, but that’s the whole reason I’m here!), what is the “norm” for kids seeing their dad when separated? I don’t want the youngest to stay with him overnight at all, as he has had SO many issues which I think are largely related to what he has seen/heard/been called by my husband. He wants them all every other w/end and plans to look after them with his mum and her partner (nice … takes 3 then does it!?!?!) – which is a no no as far as I am concerned .. he has never got up for them in the night, falls asleep through their noise in the middle of the day etc etc …. (detail removed by Moderator), but just wondered if anyone had any advice / case studies!! xx
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Unfortunately in my case with proven physical violence against me in front of the children my ex has been awarded (detail removed by Moderator) weekends unsupervised.
He too has never shown any interest in the kids and neglected them whilst in his care and expected me to do everything whilst I was present.
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I’m afraid I can’t reassure you too much either. I think you’ll struggle to prevent overnight contact unless you have some pretty substantial evidence that he is a harm to them. Cafcass and social services seem keen to label things as ‘historical’ once we leave the relationship and make a distinction between harm to the mother and harm to the children. My concerns were dismissed. Mind you I was particularly unlucky with the social worker we got. My situation only turned out as ‘well’ as it did because their dad never intended to have them as much as he claimed, it was all nonsense to drag us through court to abuse us. I think every other weekend is probably about as good as it gets in these situations I’m afraid. They will listen to the voices of your children though, assuming they are big enough (and brave enough) to say how they feel. Good luck x*x
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I was in a right state. CAFCASS deemed his abuse ‘historical’ even though I believe he was trying to get my eldest to harm himself that very week. The court told me my youngest had to go to his every other week, but st least let my eldest choose.
I rang the NSPCC in a terrible mess, quaking.The man on the phone told me something they really helped: if the contact is court-ordered, any mistakes or abuse he carries out will be easier to manage as you can take it back to court. Log everything.
Plus, I don’t play ball. I act oblivious to any games he plays, even acting unaware to my kids. I deal with the things he does week by week, sussing out the best way to support my kids.
My eldest has minimal contact now, and my ex knows he needs to tread very carefully with my youngest or he will lose contact with him too, or I will take it back to court. He doesn’t operate with the ultimate freedom that he hoped he could.
My advice is to formalise contact as much as possible, report any concerns and let your ex know you will report anything. If anything untoward happens, bypass your ex, go straight back to those in authority.
I think my ex is quite disempowered and limited now. My hope is that he will gradually disappear.
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Hey hun, I echo Serenety’s thoughts.
The current line of thinking in the courts is that children have the right to see their father, no matter how horrid he is. This is being challenged by a petition that Women’s Aid is championing, supporting an amazing lady (whose name very embarrassingly escapes me right now) who’s ex got contact with their two sons and promptly killed them. I can’t remember if he took his own life also. Now, I don’t mean to scare you as obviously this isn’t an every day situation! My preach of the day is to please support the petition!
Anyhow, back to the subject, I split with my ex relatively recently and have been stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to contact: is it better for children. To have no father or to have an abusive father. (detail removed by Moderator)
Deffo get legal advice if you can. Expect the worst and if the worst doesn’t happen then you’re on a winner. Sorry it’s not better news but hopefully you’ll be more prepared.
Sending hugs xx
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