12th April 2016 at 10:42 pm #13639LucyParticipant
So, I’ve separated from my husband for (detail removed by moderator) now. It ended quite bad with me having to call the police and having him arrested and charged. Social services are involved now, which i know is the best for our children.
(detail removed by moderator)he stood in court and pleaded not guilty after admitting to social worker and police that he done it at the time, which i feel so let down by him for doing this.
Now, this evening my (age removed by moderator) yo tells me the police arrested daddy. I couldn’t believe he told her this. Her and her older sister were like “we weren’t supposed to tell you daddy told us that”. when i asked why they said he told them that i wouldn’t let them see their daddy again, which i would NEVER do.
So i was talking to the older girl this evening and she tells me that he told her what he done and that I phoned the police on him and they took him away in handcuffs!!
I dont know how i feel about this or what to do, he has imprinted this in their wee minds for the rest of their life. Im so annoyed with him, my eldest begged me not to tell him i knew because hed be so upset that she has told me HER MOTHER!!
My children have had to keep secrets especially the eldest, which affected her confidence and now hes gone and still doing it to them….
13th April 2016 at 1:45 am #13646mixed-up mumParticipant
Hi Lucy – I don’t think I can offer much advice, but I just wanted to show you some support.
I did not go to the police, my abuse was only sexual and controlling – he was never violent, so there was nothing to see, only my word against his….so no proof of what went on.
So I have never had to deal with courts, or social services, therefore I’m most likely not the best person to be talking to, but I just felt you needed to hear from someone.
So I guess I’m better than nothing eh!! 😉
However I feel I can say he is very wrong in involving the children like that – he should not be doing this.
They are way to young to be told all this ,its not good they are hearing their daddy say such things – its not fair on their little minds to put so much pressure on them – eg telling them not to tell you for you would never let them see their dad again
He’s playing with their minds – and if he loved them he wouldn’t do this to them
They are way to young to be told information like this. Telling them you called the police and they took him away in handcuffs – this is very scary and too much for them to take in…..
I don’t know what advice to offer you – other than talk to your solicitor, or your Women’s Aid support worker – I hope others on here will come up with better advice than me.
13th April 2016 at 7:18 am #13652
I hate to tell you this but this is typical abuser behaviour. Mine even showed my son the affidavit where I described the marital rapes. They have no conscience and will use anyone, including their own children and not give a second thought to how it affects them. I went through criminal and civil court. He was convicted but somehow he is the victim in my sons eyes. Just try to stay calm with your children and refute what he says in a matter of fact way. You are their rock now. You have to be the calm consistent one. I would tell your social worker everything. And it’s important you keep a journal and write everything down. My son told me things like I had his dad arrested. As if I had the power to do that without his dad assaulting me. I had to explain about victim blaming so make sure they know that YOU have done nothing wrong! Stay strong and try to stay calm with them❤️
13th April 2016 at 7:22 am #13653
My ex pleaded not guilty too. Dragged it out for well over a year. It’s a control thing. I felt devastated that he would put my son and I through this hell (my son was a witness). But they have no empathy or care for anyone but themselves. Keep him as far away as possible. I hope he has bail conditions. Don’t engage with him either, you will get nowhere. Do it through solicitors x
13th April 2016 at 8:05 am #13659White RoseParticipant
Your child obviously trusts you and can tell you things which is lovely. Please tell your social work team what’s happened and what your child said dad had said. I think they’ll want to know.
Resist the temptation to ask about things daddy says and does when they’re with him but wait for children to talk – that way they’ll feel comfortable about talking with you x*x
13th April 2016 at 10:24 pm #13754LucyParticipant
Thanks so much guys, I have no solicitor at the moment… didn’t think i would need one. Because of bail conditions he is not allowed any contact with me (but of course he has had contact, feeling sorry for himself) but i did text his brother and told me if he started playing with the children’s heads I would inform the social worker. But I don’t know if I want to do that as I know that it might end up being supervised visits which I don’t want for the children’s sake. I never seen him as a bad person, I’ve been with him so long that I just cant see him as a ‘bad’ father. But then I look back at what he done, may seem small at the time but now being able to get up in morning and not have a hostile home for the children is amazing. I am just so confused. Cant talk to any professionals as I know they’ll contact social services as child protection, which I do understand. I just don’t know, was thinking of contacting his brother about it as he’s quite level headed. But I don’t know if it gets back to the kids that I have said it, will they be able to trust me enough to say what is going on in their heads??
I genuinely thought that after this happening that he would change, and maybe a possibility of us getting back, but it just seems to be getting more impossible the thought of taking him back….
13th April 2016 at 11:19 pm #13762
Report any breaches of bail to the police. Don’t let him use these contacts against you in court. He will make out you were willing or even incited him to breach bail. Blood is thicker than water in my experience. Expect his brother to take his side. No decent father would abuse the mother of his children. Do not feel sorry for him. Abusers don’t change. He’s lying and pleading not guilty. Dragging you through a stressful court process. Look after yourself❤️
13th April 2016 at 11:35 pm #13764White RoseParticipant
Not sharing important info about the children and how he is with them with social care may not be in your favour in the long run. What if his behaviour escalates and the children are affected? The children deserve to be safe and protected from emotional abuse as well as possible physical.
If social care decide supervised visits are the safest then that’s what he’ll have to do and prove he can act appropriately with them.
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