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My elder daughter hit me while I was driving. I stopped the car and told her to get out. She didn’t move and just said No. Lo and behold we didn’t go anywhere. My younger daughter then chimed in that I deserved to be hit because I was being annoying. My elder child knows that what she is doing is very, very wrong. I am really upset with the younger one for saying I deserve it. My ex has been unequivocal about his belief that I should be attacked because I provoke everyone.
I understand that the children know no better. This is their ‘normal’ and I have told them that there is nothing normal about it. Every step of the way I have been blamed. Every step of the way things have been my fault. I feel so angry and so impotent. I don’t know what to do.
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Oh maddog this is hearbreaking. Their behaviour is a result of what they’ve witnessed, we know this but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept or understand when it is happening to us. I dont know how long it can take for a child to unlearn this behaviour. I can’t advise really as ive allowed mine to walk all over me cos i felt i deserved it for letting them down. I guess you have to set boundaries, make sure their actions have consequencies, without you feeling youre being abusive when all you’re doing is responsible parenting. Have you still got people to talk to through WA or family mediators. Are your children getting counselling.
I pray this gets resolved but as only you know how long your relationship was with your OH and how long they were under his influence too only you will realise that it will take time for them to readjust to acceptable loving behaviour. That its okay to be annoyed or angry with someone but that it’s not okay to make that person feel scared or manipulated by them.Life with and after an abuser is never easy. Good luck maddog.
IWMB 💕💕 -
Hi Maddog
You have done the right thing! You stopped it in its tracks, and made it clear to both how wrong it was.
Maybe once things are calm you can al do an exercise together about how you all individuals like to be treated. Also, when that doesnt happen how it feels, and how each would want it to be different. Each produce your own list to dscuss together afterwards.
Talk about times, incidents that felt bad and how it would have been better. I wouldn’t raise the punching specifically, it doesn’t need to be.
You have done the right thing, and that’s not easy to do, too often we let these things go, even being hit. You haven’t! Keep at it, challenging when bondaries are crossed.
Follow up your chat with a set o agreed accetal behaviours that they can write and agree to. Talk through strategies of how else to respond instead of each of those wrong behaviours.
I tried to introduce this over a meal, or when doing an activity at the table.
You are doing great, just keep at it..
Warmest wishes t
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One of the children has moments of reason. The younger does not. I bought her a bit of tech stuff and being a bit of a luddite I couldn’t get it to work, nor could my tech-head sibling. One of their friends got it to work yip yip by which time the younger child had told me that it was a really basic beginner thing with driver problems. What I understood from her was that it was no good for her needs and didn’t work anyway. When I fed back my understandings she told me flatly that I was wrong. I have had decades of being wrong. I hope one day she realises just how awful it is.
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They sound very abusive and ungrateful Maddog, I’m very sorry you’re having to deal with this. It’s because of your ex, abuse has become their normal. I agree with Twisted sister about having a discussion about boundaries etc. They need to learn that hitting someone = never acceptable under any circumstances. I also feel that they need to have consequences if they behave like this. If I am correct it sounds like they are currently able to do what they like including be rude and abusive and there are no consequences? That just reinforces that they can do what they like. You and them definitely need boundaries.
If it was me I would probably take the tech back, it sounds like she is currently far from deserving of it and extremely ungrateful. Treats should be rewards for positive behaviour only and you could try taking privileges away as a consequence. Do you still live with their father? Unfortunately if he is still in the house it will be hard to implement any of this as he’ll just undermine it but if you are separated you can start to create a new set of house rules.
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I have one like that Maddog! The subtle nuances between what she told you and what you paraphrased back to her were worlds apart, and of course, you were not wrong. In her mind she’s right, in her child’s mind. Shendoest get hat you are saying the same thing??
The difference between between the children and your abuser, is jus that, they are children. When they say it they have no concept of its possible impact on you. The adult abuser however does this to make you feel small, whereas a child has to learn other ways with your guidance. I found it works wel as a group exercise but if you feel it won’t do each separately with them.The child that hit you needs a warning of the consequences of her actions, but do tr the exercise first to open up her thinking a bit first.
Warmest wishes ts
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Hello maddog and ladies,
I am so grateful for this thread today and what everyone has shared.You may have noticed from what I posted yesterday I have just had the most horrendous week with my teenager. Without obviously going in to detail there was a turning point today and then told me about something happening at school that obviously had been really worrying them. So at last, I kind of got
an explanation for the behaviour, which is now changing.It is very helpful for me to read other women talking about how others behaviours like this are triggering.
Totally agree about boundaries, difficult to uphold, however I have noticed I feel a lot worse when young person in my house ‘pushes my buttons’ as it were. TS it is so helpful for me to read your comment:
‘the difference between between the children and your abuser, is jus that, they are children. When they say it they have no concept of its possible impact on you’.
As far as I understand my own feelings – (which I don’t always) – I think I have been triggered by the young person’s behaviour in the past week – and consequently have been trying to distance myself from them – emotionally – and protect myself somehow – which of course didn’t help the situation as I then felt very down – and as if we had lost our love for each other.
Does that make sense to anyone?
I feel a huge sense of relief today that I kind of now know what the issue really was for my teenager. And actually understanding that it had nothing to do with me.
I am trying in future to stay a bit more on the level, (if such a thing is always humanly possible in that situation) – as they say ‘it is not all about me’. That sounds so simplistic but up close and personal with the impact of hormones and my own cortisol fight/flight thing is not easy…
All best
Ftc
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Hi ftc.
Obviously we dont know your oldest child’s age but if you can make her understand why its important to open up when things are bothering her, no matter how little or huge it is to her, then if you can you will help her.(and yourself by not taking it personally) Everything is such a drama as a teenager now. We think we remember but things have changed so much too. Life when we were teenagers was definately a lot simpler, but somethings never change, bullying and liking some boy. I agree with removing the tech goods, I’d sometimes just remove the fuse from the plugs. Naughty behaviour doesn’t get nice things. My daughter is trying to teach her nephew, that he’s a naughty boy not a bad boy, when he does things that are unacceptable. Sometimes it’s the words which we use that confuse. My son grew up being told he was a bad boy, he was useless, would never amount to anything. Now he thinks he’s a bad adult and as such runs with the wrong crowd, makes huge bad decisions, doesn’t know how to direct his anger, as like us he had to squash it down.
Parenting is the hardest job in the world, we make mistakes, sometimes massive ones. I only hope, one day I’ll be able to make amends with my children.Living with an abuser, trying to parent our children is nigh on impossible. They will either take over the authority bit by bit, or undermine you at every turn.
It will come right, no matter how long it takes. They may be adults with their own family before they realise what you have gone through. Spending time,together, is the best way to lay the demons to rest.
You’re doing great, we’re always here, to listen, to advise(as best we can) and just for you to rant.
Best wishes ftc
IWMB 💕💕 -
Thank you for all your advice and support. It means a lot. I am in a bad place at the moment and sinking fast. I used to do a Yes/No thing with the girls so when they said I always… I could show them the chart which had mostly good things on it and a few nos for being rude. My head is such a jumble at the moment. I am reeling from my ex’s behaviour and my insides are screaming.
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It is so hard trying to keep doing normal stuff, i.e. bringing up a family, and live with and after abuse. You will find your way to live calmly with your children, be able to impose boundaries and hopefully not allow their behaviour to trigger responses in you that he caused.
Strength and love to you allIWMB 💕💕
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THank you everyone for sharing. It has been one heck of a week this week.
Iwantmeback it really helps me personally just for a moment to acknowledge how hard it sometimes is – with and after abuse to ‘keep doing normal stuff’…
And, but I feel sometimes the ‘normal stuff is healing’ and the substance of where we are as women.
So my child is still sleeping this morning, time for me to have had a coffee and write a bit on here.
And so I will keep creating, keep growing, one day at a time.
all best
ftc
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Just seen this MD, wanted to send you hugs and hoping you’ve all been able to take something from it by now, and if not, that’s ok, there will be other times, sadly this i can assure you of as you well know. I totes get it and live it too. My D has been in counselling now for around 6 mths and we are starting to feel the benefit, after years of these flair ups, she is now starting to control the impulse and express her anger in a healthier way at long last. You feel so powerless to it dont you and worn out. I highly rec. kids counselling flower xx
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The girls are on the list for counselling and have been referred for support by WA. The elder child is often very funny and very teenagery. I have learned to pick my fights most of the time. The younger is dark and sullen which is deeply upsetting and worrying. I have told her that I will take her to the doctor because I am concerned. She doesn’t like that at all. She spends far more time with her dad than the older child.
My older daughter has been the subject of my ex’s tantrums. The younger a witness. The younger is definitely his favourite.
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