children unhappy with my 'No Contact' strategy

[lover of no contact]

My children are back a short while from a holiday with their dad ,my abusive ex-husband, (with whom I do the strategy of No Contact,) and his family (who I am not in contact with).

Last night my children started a discussion with me of why they wish I could be in contact with my abuser-ex and abuser mum (I’ve been no contact with her for just (detail removed by Moderator)) just to greet them and be polite (I’m never rude, I just don’t engage the odd time I see them). That my abuser mum has probably changed, she’s so good and nice to them (she is) and to everyone else (she is, in their eyes).

I know she hasn’t changed. I know she knows how to give the impression she is harmless, good, kind etc. I also know how abusively she treated my father (he is dead now) and me. How can my children know. I just say ‘My experience with her is different to yours’.

I felt frustrated and how come the victim/target of the abuser (me) gets the flak. I hate going No Contact. I wish it wasn’t so. But their behaviour leaves me with no choice. Its either No Contact with my 2 abusers or ‘Contact on condition’ (that I continue to be beaten up emotionally (in a cycle of abuse) for the next few decades until one of them dies).

My son used the word ‘passive -aggressive’ about me. He never usually uses a critical term. He wasn’t saying it in a bad way, just in a matter-of-fact tone. My son (who I am so close to) says that I seem to fall out with a lot of people. He cited another person whom unfortunately happened to be abusive (others could see it and that they were using me) but my son being young couldn’t see it and thus it looks like I’m at fault, coz I ended the relationship.

Basically in a nutshell, my children (whom due to No Contact with abuser I am very close to, note: I was practically alienated from this daughter while in contact and living with abuser- ex) disapprove (are not happy) with me going No Contact with my abuser-ex and abuser-mum. And the people-pleaser in me wants to keep everyone happy.

Luckily I didn’t try to ‘make them see’ how my ex and my mum are abusers. One example I did give and my children made excuses, rationalized it away and ‘defended the abuser’ so I felt powerless, frustrated. I can see how cunning and confusing abusers/abuse is.

I ended the conversation saying that my going No Contact with abuser-ex and mum is ‘sad but healthy’. Healthy for me and for the abusers and healthy for you children too.

Agh! Abusers are sooo good at what they do, re-writing history and persuading people that they are really not abusive, I suppose minimizing their abusive actions.

Head-wreckers they are.

Denial, minimizing, rationalizing the abuse away, victim-blaming, letting abusers off the hook, all part of the abusive package. Agh!

Would appreciate any perspectives from you ladies who are battling with the same package.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear LONC, I do not have children so can’t really comment about that. But I do feel from what you have said that you have a close ad positive relationship with your children where they feel free and able to talk & express themselves to you. And you do too, explaining your reasons. You have found the strategy that works for you in managing your ex and your mum. I think you just need to accept their view and wishes but its sadly something that you do not agree with. Its just a disagreement.I’m sure they will come to accept it. Sometimes life isn’t how we would ideally choose it to be is it. X*X

[lover of no contact]

Thanks Healthyarchive for your perspective, it was just what I needed to hear. I suppose its fair enough that my children wish it was other than it is. That they are sad that we are not like their friend’s families ‘on the surface’.

We can’t play ‘happy families’ in our family because I need to employ the strategy of No Contact to keep me emotionally sane.

[Healthyarchive]

Yes, you have found what you need to do to get by, and it works for you.

Your children also sound like they have a good relationship with their dad & his family so that is a good thing for them. As far as i know children are adaptable and seem to have accepted this arrangement so far, its probably just the holiday & spending time with him which have got them asking questions. It will all come out in the wash. X

[Serenity]

Hi LONC,

He has had plenty of time, whilst they were on holiday with him, to try to minimise his behaviour and twist their minds.

Don’t give in. You know what he is and who your mother is, too. Remember, abusers only want you close so that they can slap you all over again. It’s good that your mother is apparently being nice to them, as we want our kids to be as protected as possible from abuse.However, you and I both know that people rarely change.

My kids have just been away with my ex to see his parents. Apparently, my ex’s mum was being nice to them, giving them money and fussing about their hay fever, yet it wasn’t too long ago that she told my eldest that he needed to go to a psychiatrist because he got upset over something, and stuck up for her husband who hit my then toddler son.

Once the kids are back to spending more time with you again, they will see how reasonable and non-abusive you are in everyday life. Your ex will lose some of his power and influence again.

I haven’t given my kids many details about the reasons why I am no contact. I don’t want to put too much on them, or get engage in a battle with my ex. I just want my peace and freedom. I think this will stand us in good stead: we will appear moral and sensitive to their emotional needs.

If your kids were to push it further, I would just stand your ground and say as little as possible.

I think my ex tried the same, as my son once came home from being with his dad and asked why I wouldn’t be in contact with my ex. I said in very general terms that my ex threatened me.

Sometimes the less you say, the more powerful it is.

Just carry on being you x

[lover of no contact]

Thanks serenity, our situations are so similar, your thoughts have comforted me. Its is true it is best to say as little as possible (trying to make them see doesn’t work; so is a waste) an best for me to keep the focus on what’s good in my life and live my own life and let others live their life the way they choose. To reply in general terms is a good tack to take. Yes and to stand my ground but to say as little as possible. Actions speak louder than words in our case.

Its true my ex has a little more Power and Influence as they have spent a lot of time with him abroad recently. This is only temporary, it will pass.

[Author]

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