Children

[Meringue]

After a horrible (detail removed by moderator) when I was working and my husband suddenly announced that he was going in to work too, so I arranged childcare with 3 separate friends. He then a) got angry ‘I need to know whats going on. You’re excluding me. I thought I had the children all day tomorrow’ (but he’d just said he was working) b) the following day announced he was working from home so he c) cancelled the arrangements i’d made and took all the children including my frends kids back to our house saying he drop them off later when he went out. d) didn’t turn up to drop them off and e) didn’t tell the friend who had them but needed to go out later that he’d cancelled the other arrangement so she was late leaving… I’ve decided I really need to leave.
But a number of things are bothering me. Did you talk to the children before you left? Mine are youngish (pre teen) and as he has, until recently, kept his emotional abuse to me only, are fairly oblivious. Ive tried to keep things stable and happy for them as much as possible… My oldest is sensitive and more aware but when ive questioned her gently, she doesn’t express any difficulties. His emotional abuse and anger have increased I think, so they are affected more now (hence my desire to go) but when I have discussed incidents with them afterwards they seem OK. Obviously I am very concerned about them, esp my oldest who is anxious and cries a lot but doesent really understand why. So, do I talk to them beforehand, or just make a plan and leave and explain afterwards?
Also, I currently rely on my husband for child care. I work random shifts day and night and unsociable hours. I realise I just have to deal with managing that but communicating is difficult already without being in different houses… Any tips? I guess I just need email my Rota in advance really…
And also (sorry for long ramble) I seem to have such a selective memory. Most of the time I am absolutely miserable. We had a holiday recently and he was totally controlling, demanding, all the usual and then on the last day we did something really nice and all I can remember is how lovely that was and that that is why I loved him. I can’t even remember the last time he was like that and I know in my head its not enough but my heart is hurting so much just now.
I need some wisdom please!
M

[backtome]

Hi Meringue, Sorry to hear you’re going through all this and for your poor kids. I’m afraid I don’t have any sound advice other than to make a list of all those “bad times” with him. I’ve started doing this and it’s helping me to realise they are more often than I thought and helps me not to forget as I too have a selective memory.

In terms of getting out, maybe speak to a local domestic abuse service so they can assist you and support you through it depending on your personal situation. x

[cupofcoffee]

Hi hun, just wanted to say that I too had a selective memory with my ex, it was really weird as I completely forgot one bad incident he did and it was only by rereading some old texts that I remembered, and it was a major incident! I think that they use gaslighting to put us in a kind of a fog, but if you write things down then that might help. I told my kids after we split up, they were remarkably resilient about it and I felt that they were almost relieved, they then started opening up about their emotions afterwards.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Leaving an abuser drains us out anyway, to be able to cope u need positive support around u, start by calling the helpline and ask for agencies that can support u, then u need to look at your options and make a plan. I would speak to an advisor then slowly tell your children, no need to tell them now as u dont want your partner finding out by putting pressure on them. I dont know why they mess us about like this with childcare, again its all about controlling us. Start looking at childcare options now so u dont have to rely on him

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