Children’s email contact with dad

[citrine]

My children have just started email contact with their father my ex (well he has messaged them)

The first email they received started as nicely as it could blaming me for everything.

My youngest drafted her reply which was brutally honest and explained how she felt about him, which was true but blunt.

Now do I let my child send that email or do I encourage them to send a simple reply that doesn’t show emotion.

I’ve just no idea what to do.

Btw they do not want to see him.

[Lisa]

Hi Citrine,

It is difficult to make these kind of decisions when there are children involved. I don’t know how old your youngest is but it sounds like she wants to have her say.

If they don’t want to see their dad is the email contact appropriate. It sounds like he is just using it as an excuse to get at you.

However, you know your situation best and what’s important is that you and the children are safe and happy.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[KIP.]

This may sound brutal but if they don’t want to have contact then that is their right. Not sure about the ages but I think it’s important that you support their decision. If they don’t wish contact then can they block him? In my opinion he is just going to mess with their heads even more. He is not interested in their feelings and will use anything they say against them so the less said the better. You could encourage them to write down how they feel but don’t send it. Just burn or tear in up and simplify their reply. The last thing you want is them feeling guilty because of how he will twist things to make himself the victim. As said, only you know your circumstances but my ex still lies and bullies and manipulates our son. The less contact the better x

[White Rose]

Difficult!
Children can be brutally honest and it may result in ongoing retaliation by him aimed at them or you or both. I suspect he’ll assume you’re writing the emails for them.
I’ve been in your situation and decided that as child was old enough to hold a view she should be allowed to respond and I’d be there to support when the replies came back. They did and how!! They weren’t shared with me but with friends and grandparents who were disgusted. One teenage friend phoned him up after reading his messages to my child and gave him a real dressing down (I got the blame for that too!)
Now, after some time, there’s no contact at all – no acknowledgement of him being any part of now young adult child’s life and the word “dad” is not used anymore – ever. if he had to be referred to it’s as “him” or even “Mr (surname)”.
Talk about it. Discuss the comeback you know will result. Don’t bad mouth him. But most of all just be supportive and loving and be a mum – that’s what our children need.
Maybe talk about positive aspects of no contact? Try not to worry too much x

[Goldengirl]

Hi, Citrine. I can only tell you about my experience and hope it helps. My youngest was entering puberty when we all left – ex refused to leave family home (detail removed by Moderator). My lot refused to see him or have any contact with him and he took it to court(detail removed by Moderator). It only applied to my youngest as rest were no longer school age. Sorry but trying to keep this generic so it doesn’t get moderated. Youngest wrote how he was feeling every now and again but did not send them. (detail removed by Moderator), CAFCASS asked him to write a letter to his father for them to give to him. He remembered everything he had felt because of his notes and wrote a very blunt letter to his father. (detail removed by Moderator) told his father he had a lot of work to regain his trust if son ever wanted it and the case was stopped due to son’s opinion. I asked my son how he felt about writing the letter and his reply was it was liberating. So, my advice is to get your children to write letters or notes but not to send them. They can discuss them with you, if they want. My son found it helpful that, although I tried my best not to bad mouth my ex, I validated my son’s feelings. Then, if your ex goes to court for access, which he will to get back at you, your children can read their thoughts before CAFCASS meeting and it will be their thoughts they speak. Hope this helps and best of luck to you all.

[citrine]

Thank you all so much for your advice I appreciate it so much.

My thoughts were the same, how can I make them reply to him if the don’t want to..im sure they are so much stronger than me, I still get pangs of guilt for not being compliant.

I actually did keep my youngest draft email which was blunt. And I will get them to draft letters to him but not send them, I think that’s an excellent idea.

Thank you all so so much again. You all help me get through this difficult time.

Lots of love x*x

[Author]

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