Christmas as a family

[Getmylifeback]

Firstly I know everyone will say I was stupid but for kids sake I agreed to spend Christmas eve and Christmas day as a family. I was dreading it but tbh it was actually ok.

See the problem is I thought great it’s nice we can be amicable for kids at special events but he has other plans. He’s 6 months clean and last few weeks is being extra nice and yes it has been easier and yes it has confused me.

My son would give anything fir us to be back together. My younger daughter says she likes life how it is now .

Up until christmas so did I. Enjoying my own space, my own time. Some people hate when kids are with their dad but the 1.5 days a week he has them I can go for a run, see friends etc without having to be accountable.

Christmas has been horrendous the last few years so the fact this one was good made it more special I suppose. Previous years I’d made excuses to walk the dog to get out when kids were in bed, anything to escape for an hour and swearing to myself by next Christmas I’d be gone.

He’s showing me the changed him, begging for me to give him a chance and let him in but the whole thing makes me feel uneasy. I am looking forward to being back at work so we can get back to the normal routine, I’ve arranged for me and kids to get away to a friends at new years as he was hinting at us spending it together and I thought no way was I doing that.i can see how desperate he is to get his family back as he says and I feel so sorry for him.

I keep telling him I’m happy with how my life is now and he needs to move on but he says he’s adamant he’ll show he’s changed and isn’t giving up 🙄.

I dreamt about him all last night and woke up feeling anxious, doubting myself and thinking what if.

[KIP.]

The only thing he’s desperate to get back is the control. He not respecting your wishes or your boundaries. He’s playing a game to hook you back in and then you will be punished and you won’t even see it coming. Try to stick to his 1.5 days a week and you can do your own thing then but the rest of the week you need to set boundaries and he needs to stay away. Once he realises you don’t want him back and he can’t change your mind, you will once again see the reasons you left in the first place. Stick to the routine for the kids sake too.

[Getmylifeback]

I agree definitely not respectimg boundaries. For example a couple of weeks before xmas i told him i wanted us to only spend about £15 on presents to each other from the kids. I stuck to this roughly and got a few nice personal bits from the kids. He took our kids shopping the weekend after this discussion and when i opened them on xmas day there were 3 items totalling approx £220. I told him this wasnt what we agreed and he said he just wanted to get me something nice. But to me its again just dismissing and disrespecting my wishes.

I just wonder if being clean could change him in the long term with counselling too. 😥

[Anonymous]

Being “adamant” does not exactly paint the picture of “change” in my opinion.

I was told by it’s sister how well it’s doing not drinking and of the support it’s getting and thought “great – I am no longer feeling responsible for helping you anymore”. Another step forward.

I wish it well and hope that it recovers if only for the sake of those around it. But I have nothing left to give it – I don’t even have the energy to hate it. It couldn’t be bothered to use the help or support I constantly offered when I was there but now I’ve taken it’s toy away it’s all it wants. Not interested.

It’s exhausting just thinking about it. Stay strong xx

[KIP.]

It’s not the drugs or the alcohol that causes the abuse. So being clean won’t change his abusive behaviour. He is still the same abusive man underneath. He just won’t have his addictions to blame it on next time.

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you both.

I dont think the drugs are the reason either deep down. Problem is the drug in question is a prescribed medication that he became hooked on abd then took too many of and there is some evidence online that it does change peoples ways of thinking and can cause paranoia.

But deep down regardless of this i doubt i could ever relax around him fully and want to br intimate. Tbh i think how kilngirl wrote is quite like i feel, there is no love or hate, for me its pity and guiilt towards him and my son who again cried himself to sleep last night as he hates his life as he puts it.

[Author]

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