Christmas Day alone

[Munchkin04]

I’m spending Christmas Day on my own (detail removed by Moderator). Discarded. Told he has no feelings for me. Told he hates me. All over me opening my mouth and being given the silent treatment for it to which I put my foot down. Abuse all week and now I’m to blame for pushing him over the edge. For not respecting him going quiet. I asked him if he has any idea how it felt to be given the silent treatment after I’ve told him how I felt over something he did to upset me. He turned it around and said I should respect his actions. He didn’t want the row. There was no row I was merely telling him how I felt. All week we’ve shouted he’s been abusive. Now he’s as calm as you like telling me he can’t talk to me as I’m still angry and he won’t be pushed to retaliate. I cause his actions. I can’t get clarity on it all I can’t get reason. He’s now told me he’ll be somewhere else xmas day and he wants nothing to do with me. He will fight me for the house and will take me to court. I’m a mess. Years of physical and mental abuse no reasoning. Now I’m to blame for pushing him. Doesn’t matter what he’s done to me it’s all about what I’ve done. I can’t even look at him. He’s being so smarmy and calm and I’m a volcano inside. I’m so so sad and lonely and want to scream and scream at him.

[minimeerkat]

i am also alone at xmas, there are probably others
i replied to your other post so i hope you received the message
keep posting as much as you need. theres also the live chat
if you are not speaking about it all, write it down – get it out in whatever way you can
but as tempting as it is, try not to say anything to him especially if you are annoyed & frustrated because he could so easily use this to prove how ‘abusive’ you are
i know its hard, really really hard
stay strong x

[nbumblebee]

Gosh my heart breaks for you it really does.
Nothing about this life is fair or easy, im with my kids but also still with my not so nice husba d who will im sure make it a stressful uneasy day.
He has already told me (detail removed by Moderator) times how this year he has brought me a gift and how i had better be grateful.
How he doesnt want my parents up but he invited them just to liss me off. So yeah its gonna be great here too.
You are not alone though we are here with you along side you and wishing you lots of love and hope.

[Dovegirl]

Hi, I’m also on my own this Christmas. I’ve just finally escaped a horribly abusive marriage and still just finally feeling my feet. Although it almost feels liberating to escape that hell it does feel quite isolating. Yes I’m getting lots of help through various channels and good friends, but inevitably I am alone, especially when that front door locks at night. Hugs to everyone xx

[StrongLife]

Sorry you are alone on Christmas Day. I know next year will be better.

It’s good you have found a forum to post on.

Can you seek help of a domestic violence counsellor who will be able to help with his threats of court/posting pictures

[Door mouse]

Also alone at Christmas

[Butterfly-A]

Hi Munchkin,

I think no matter what happens ‘we’ will always be the one to blame in their eyes. From my experience they pride themselves in being victims.

Sorry to hear that you were alone for Christmas, perhaps it was nice to be away from him a little bit?

Do you have any friends or family close by that you could go to whilst he’s away?

I hope you found some enjoyment in yesterday for yourself.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I have now left my husband, but for years, the ‘silent treatment’ I received after I shared an opinion still upsets me to this day. Since leaving, he has not spoken with me regarding our children for the past (detail removed by Moderator) months. Once he realised I wouldn’t return, he got awkward and still controls elements of my life and decisions. For example (detail removed by Moderator) he told the children he was picking them up from my house later on, despite me expecting them to stay all day and saying I would drive them over (detail removed by Moderator) (as he had done when he had them last year).

Silent treatment is passive aggression and used to make the other person feel guilt and remorse for ‘daring’ to speak against them. It devalues the victim’s own feelings and emotions as if to say, “You are not worth my attention or time, because I am in fact the victim here, not you.” The result is that the person on the receiving end is left angry, frustrated, and disrespected. They can not express how they feel which is torturous enough.

Be mindful of lovebombing when he returns as well. This is why writing stuff down helps you recall these instances clearly and recognise the cycles of abuse.

I am still angry years on about incidents that my husband would never acknowledge, leaving me belittled and insignificant.

My heart goes out to you, that you are having to experience this. All I can suggest is to recognise why and what he is doing. Keep a hidden diary. I found counselling helped to get my feelings acknowledged. See a good doctor to get it on medical notes that you are in an abusive relationship. This might matter in the future.

[browneyedmum]

Hi Munchkin!

You’ve got so much great advice and empathy from the other wise women in this forum!

I only had to add a few things:

I also absolutely hated it when I expressed any dissatisfaction to my husband, and he always turned it around to me ‘attacking’ him. No… There is no ‘attack’ when expressing my feelings and wanting to talk about how to change things so that I don’t feel that way anymore. It’s not an attack, it’s trying to find a solution. However, he’s insecure and he’s happy with the status-quo and doesn’t want anything to change. So he twists things and bullies so that status-quo that he enjoys, remains.

Have a search for Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?” … There are online versions available for free if you know where to look. I think it will help.

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