Christmas struggling

[Anon123]

Any one have any ideas how you cope with Christmas. Christmas, new year and birthdays were the worst time with my ex.
I’m going through with it all for the children but inside I don’t feel anything. Last night I ended up shouting at them for no real reason other than I can see now that everything has got on top of me.
We see my family over Christmas but it just feels so fake with so many expenses presents even those from people we never see in years and they don’t even give them personally. I know we are lucky for this but it’s so hard knowing before even having enough food was a struggle. To be honest I would rather we saw the relations and had a fun day but no one will agree to reducing the number of gifts or even meeting up and then I also have to try and find a space for these items which will never get used or some I just give directly away.
We have the tree up but it just makes our limited space feel so cluttered and I can’t wait for it all to be over. Is it just me?

[Lisa]

Hi Anon123,

Thank you for sharing with us- I hoped it helped to post. Christmas and any special occasion or anniversary can be a very difficult time. I am sure others can relate to how you are feeling. If talking would help then remember the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline is available on 0808 2000 247.

Keep posting to us when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Anonymous]

Hi. I don’t think its just you. I think most women in our position dread Christmas, whether we are still with our abusive partners or not. The pressure of it all, the dread of a potential spoilt day, missing our partners if we’re separated. I am struggling to get into the Christmas spirit but I keep telling myself that I am going to have to get my act together for my children. I haven’t found the energy to put the tree up yet. Take things one day at a time and try and focus on the positives. I keep telling myself that Christmas is for children and they should be able to look back and remember how great Christmas was. That is what keeps me going x

[Tamra]

I agree Christmas and other special days are hard
Most of mine were ruined once we were a few years into our relationship. Xmas was tough as he was always ‘wo is me’
One year We had Xmas at ours on both the days and it was fab and even he had a laugh and then when we went to his family like we always did and he was in a mood he and the rest of them isolated me and when I asked him what was wrong he told me I didn’t pay him enough attention over Xmas. I just don’t get it cuz I know I did as I always was very carful to do it.

What on earth is the matter with these men – insecurity but must of the women on here put their men first mist if the time – it’s so tiring but we did it

Sorry I think I just took over what Anon123 was saying so yea it’s horrible and you will get though it and we are all here for you and each other

Lots of love xx

[Anonymous]

I am normally quite good at this time of year. It was a time where the kids were happy, but last year was upsetting. He made my son go away from Xmas, it was very sad not to spend it with him. Me and my ex had a terrible row on Xmas morning, I wanted to see my son and he gave me an ultimatum of if I was going then I would not be allowed back. From that time on things got worse. I started noticing the abuse, I recognised what he had been doing for such a long time was emotional abuse. This year I don’t have the Xmas spirit in me, but I am trying for the children to make it as good as possible. I just want this year to finish and hopefully next year I can get myself sorted with a relocation, New house New schools, New life. Hopefully this time next year I will be posting how my life has changed for the better and I will be looking forward to Christmas, and have the Christmas spirit that I seem to be lacking this year. X

[Anon123]

Thank you so much for all your support and encouragement. I’m so pleased it’s not only me, my ex has already started on the upset causing by failing to return my child on time so he missed out on a planned event.
I love your idea falling sky’s of starting new traditions and having biscuits in bed -although I will make sure they sit on top my duvet! That’s really well thought out as excited children who then get hungry are miserable. Plus I can take them upstairs the night before. I’ve also decided I’m going to give the children what they like to eat and so they will have a hot dog a starter and then a sort of roast dinner, I’ve never done starters recently. Actually maybe I should do it the other way round! Then they can have the rest of the hot dogs for tea -that should make it easy and I know they will love it –
here’s to starting new traditions and happy memories.
It really helps to know we are all feeling the same way and I do hope we can continue to support each other over the next few weeks.

[Falling Skys]

Your Christmas is sounding fab xx and we are all in this together xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya Anon123 – nice to meet you – and yes I to am struggling with Xmas – but this is our 2nd Xmas without him and it IS better – it does get better I promise you and it WILL get better for you too.

Our first Xmas on our own was very different – and I think bad memories of Xmas past haunted me – but when you’ve had one out on your own – you have the chance to change things and make it what YOU want it to be!!!

I really was not in a fit state to enjoy Xmas last year – but a year down the line I do feel more positive and though I am still struggling this year – its not near so bad as last year I will say.

For me New Year was the worst – for it brought back the worst memories – he nearly always managed to spoil Christmas for us – but I always really tried my very best to make it as nice as I could for the sake of the bairns – but New Year was ALWAYS really miserable – he would DEMAND we all had a good time and DEMAND we had alcohol and ‘get in the party spirit’ – but I never wanted to – he mad our lives miserable 365 days a year and what was going to be SO different about New Years Day!!!

I actually took to my bed last New Year – I made it through Xmas – and coped with that – but when it came to New Year I just could not face it – all the old bad memories cam flooding back – me mam just could not see how I was still letting him spoil New Year for me, and still letting him control me – even when I was out and free from him – but then me mam didn’t go through what I went through with him – so how COULD she really understand…….

BUT this year I DO hope for better and I HOPE I AM stronger and will lessen the ‘grip’ and ‘power’ those bad memories have over me – so I hope for a happy and peaceful Xmas and New Year – and the same to all of you ladies too.

Good luck and best wishes Anon123 – I hope it will be what YOU want it to be this year. 🙂

[Twisted Sister]

I’m dreading Christmas, and that feels so bad when the children are so excited. i don’t care about Christmas, or much at the moment. I watched someone going out to one of the season’s parties, all dressed up and felt totally like my whole life has gone down the pan.

I can’t sleep, or eat properly, i’m in pain, can’t stop crying and totally sick of it all! How is Christmas supposed to look? I am not strong, i am weak and i can’t keeep dealing with children that see their abusive father and having to deal with the fallout because the easiest thing to do is not upset the children and just do what he says, there’s no way of getting rid of him from my life :'( and where’s the emogees?

[Lisa]

Hi Karmasister,

I am so sorry to read your post. You are a brave and strong survivor and you are doing brilliantly. Christmas is a really overwhelming time for lots of people, even those who have not had domestic abuse in their life so please just be kind to yourself. You are doing brilliantly!! Please know if ever you want to talk you can phone the helpline at any time.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Starlight]

To all of the ladies here who are going through this Christmas with a heavy heart, I send you all my love and a big hug.
Its not easy and we are filled with pain, hurt and moments of regret as we remember the good moments which we seem to hang on too.
I am thinking about you all and all your very sad stories. As i read all of your posts, i feel your sadness and pain.
It helps me to know that I am not alone in this and best of all, that we will get through it no matter how tough and in time we will look back and say, we are stronger and so much better off. Hang in there everyone, we are all in this together 😊

[Twisted Sister]

at least i’m not a slave this Christmas! No matter how ill, pneumonia, flu, pleurisy, shingles, i still had to do it all alone even if that was a risk to the children.

I was raised on strong traditions of what christmas meant, but this year, no advent – i have hidden things around our room instead. No Christmas tree – nothing i can do about that. Decorations – making snowflakes and bought some sale lights for our room.

just so exhausted and in pain that its hard to see beyond that.

The money to buy all this stuff, am making gift tags and cards (from loo rolls and newspapers!) and actually its a huge distraction from it all.

We are all in this together, and thank you so much Lisa for your support, struggling to think any of those wonderful words you used apply to me in any way 🙁 just down, miserable and ungrateful for the help i have had is all i feel if i’m totally honest. its the support that carries you through and why its so precious to me to have these supportive replies xx

Its like looking through a window and watching everyone else having ‘their’ Christmas on this planet.

My heart goes out to all facing Christmas in their own unique ways this year, whether still with your abuser, homeless, or struggling on the other side with their legacy.

All in it together and very very glad of the company x*x

[F1r3w0rk5]

My first Christmas I didn’t think I’d survive. I remember thinking if I can just get through this one day, when it finally got here it wasn’t so bad. We didn’t buy presents. I flatly stated that no return gifts were an option for us. Yeah we lost the odd friend but most understood. You will be fine. You are doing really well xx

[Amethyst15]

Yes Christmas is very hard so i think we can all relate to the feelings of memories and being on our own now but we can also remember how our exes always managed to spoil the festivities. This year first year without the ex coming round and us all pretending we are still a family unit. Instead, my children are cooking dinner for me. That’s a new tradition and we’ll do our best with the day, in our own little quiet way, nothing major. Of course, the ex is trying to muscle in as he has always done. Totally ruined Christmas last year and i said to myself that’s the last Christmas you’ll do that and i have no intention of letting him come anywhere near.He’s trouble and he always has been. Keep strong ladies and let’s hope for a brighter future 🙂

[Anon123]

Dear karma sister, I remember so well a Christmas when I was making the children presents out of cardboard boxes as he had let me down and i had nothing as all my cards had been stopped. It was so awful but they were thrilled with my presents, I made them a cooker and a sink from the boxes and I actually really enjoyed making them as i totally got absorbed in making them.
Your post got me thinking and tomorrow we will make some snowflakes to decorate our room -I haven’t made them in years-he hated mess and anything homemade or giving the children my focus.
Let’s all keep strong and all the sharing is really helping me -thank you -I do hope you are all feeling the same. It’s so great to know you all understand.
We can all do this😀
I realised It’s remembering to take little steps.

[Author]

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