Clingy children

[Peaceful Pig]

I am exhausted. My children are so clingy again after their dad’s latest bad behaviour. They are of an age where they should be bored and embarrassed by me and wanting more independence but they hardly let me leave their side. Evenings are impossible as I can’t leave one to go to the other. They follow me around and constantly say they love me. It’s very sweet, but it’s anxiety not love that’s causing it. They are very emotional, put themselves down for the slightest thing (detail removed by Moderator). I’m emotionally drained and need to go back to work for a break, except the stress of trying to get them to school is exhausting before I even start work. They’re frightened to leave me. I’ve tried to give them the most nurturing, relaxing weekend possible. My ex can cause such destruction so easily and it takes weeks of hard work to build them up again. Of course I don’t mind doing anything they need me to do, but it all feels rather similar to his old tricks of keeping me exhausted and stressed so I can’t do anything else and I don’t like the thought of him still controlling me that way. I’m lucky at least to have them with me a lot of the time and I love their company. I think perhaps I need to take a step back and try to accept that I can’t protect them, to ensure I stay calm and not drawn into the chaos, otherwise he wins. I’ve made sure they have people to talk to at school. Any advice would be gratefully received xx

[Serenity]

Hi PP,

I completely understand, as my kids are the same.

I think our presence is comforting to them. My youngest went from being dreadful last week to emailing me quite a lot when he was at his dad’s at the weekend. Ow he’s gone to the other extreme, clingy too.

I think our presence is a real comfort to them. We are their only constant. But how e exhausting that is!

My youngest is very energetic and exhausts me.

If I am exhausted, I try to sit down and do cost things with him, like watching a film with a blanket. But I know what you mean- it is constant.

I’ve been trying to guide my youngest todo things more independently. It’s hard, because they crave the pampering.

As you said to me in my similar post: I’m. It quite sure of the answer. It’s dreadful that they have to go through this cycle. As you say, as they get older they might be able to assert themselves more. Xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Thanks Serenity. This evening my youngest was pushing his luck a bit and I was being firm so he accused me of being angry and stressed. I literally stopped in my tracks and stared at him. I said “really?! Are you serious?!” I have been so incredibly patient over the past few weeks through everything that’s happened. Trust me, I’m the first person to beat myself up if I thought I’d done something wrong by them, but even I can’t find reason to criticise myself and they have seriously tested me. I’m not even sure how I’m managing it! Anyway, I wondered if I’m overdoing the pampering and comforting to the point they’re manipulating things a bit. I wonder if giving this too much attention is not helping and I have definitely weakened my boundaries due to the fear and stress. I think we need a good strict dose of normal. My ex wants to create drama and like puppets we all play our part. I wish I could prevent myself reacting xx

[Suntree]

I know what it is like to know your parents are there. To be able to see them, smell them be around them, especially if you feel that your world is falling apart or your losing someone you love.

You get clingy and children can get very clingy. In a small house it is easier to deal with the clinginess as you are almost always under each others feet.

We’re in a larger house (not much but a bit more space) and it is a little harder.

When I am doing tea they can be close enough to see me if they chose or in the other room and away from me. I have had to re-teach them to get off there butts and come and find me if they want me and I’m busy. I tell them where I am and what I am doing.

They still panic at times because they haven’t heard me or forgot.

We have conversations about not calling ourselves stupid and look at the good achievements. ie you got 70% right and that was with all the hard work, well done, rather than focus on the 30% which was wrong.

I have thanked them every night for something they have done. Thank you for helping me with dinner and laying the table. Thank you for not shouting through the door and coming to find me. Or told them something I have liked doing with them like playing the board game it was fun.

I have built up we are a team and we have to work as one to help each other. That might even meaning holding off the dinner until they get the knives and forks it can’t be eaten. Queue the “I have to do everything around here” strop.

I have made sure they have clubs to go to even if they come away early they have to stay there without knowing I am hiding in the background somewhere for the first half an hour. Now I don’t need to hide I am away running around like a mad fool getting shopping done for one club. The other well we are working on that one.

We are not perfect and they drive me to distraction. I am less tolerant when I am exhausted and ill and they do try it on. For instant I got accused of not putting a water bottle in a school bag. I had, I had shown where it was and got an acknowledgement back as it was in a different place to normal.
Solution I now give the water bottle and that is where my responsibility ends.

if something is scary to them or hard their world falls apart and we deal with that then work out how we can work through it or if we leave it for that day. Then we look at the times where there was no panic for the same thing and how well we managed things then and do we need to panic over this bit.

I have a place where they can go to re group themselves before they come back and try again. That is very useful, normally I have to send them there but every now and then they take themselves off get themselves together and come back. That always makes me feel so proud, because I know they are slowly getting their own way to be able to deal with the world and their anxieties.

Make sure they get enough sleep. The more sleep they have the easier the world and emotions are to deal with.

Make sure you some how get enough sleep and time for you. Don’t be afraid to ask the kids to help you. Remember your a team and teams support each other.

[Peaceful Pig]

Thank you suntree, it is especially helpful to hear from you having experienced positive parenting yourself as my lack of experience in this department can lead me to doubt myself sometimes. I’m doing all those things you mention so that is very encouraging. I think I just wobble when we go through a tough patch. My fear returns and I lose my strength and boundaries. Now I am feeling better I am getting us back on track. I know I have to accept that my ex’s bad behaviour will continue indefinitely and there is nothing I can do. Sleep is definitely an issue because they both panic and wake up when I leave either room. I’m trying to start the getting to bed process earlier but then I have to get all the jobs done because I can’t get back downstairs again. It limits my time for self-care. Still at least they are still sleeping in their own rooms which they didn’t do all of last year so I guess that’s progress! Xx

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