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This forum has been so helpful so I thought I’d share some positive news as I seriously doubted I’d ever get to this point, thought of giving up so many times, feared for my life… so perhaps it offers some hope.
Nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years ago I decided to separate from my abusive n**********c husband and since then I have dealt with hell. He didn’t accept, we had to share a home for most of it, he stop eating, threatened suicide, hit me… He wasnt working and clearly depressed when I said wanted a divorce and it felt there would be no way out.
(detail removed by Moderator). He’s now working, on medication and bought his own place (detail removed by Moderator) so kids (teenagers) can come and go.
Against all advice I navigated all this alone, no solicitors involved as I was adamant to try show him I was serious about wanting an amicable split (mostly for my own and kids safety, as I didnt want to trigger or escalate things further).
All this being immigrants here with no close family. I did secretly sought legal advice just to make sure I was taking the correct steps and to know my options should he never sign the equity release from house (I bought him out) or divorce papers, but slowly learned to outsmart him and manage his mood to get what I wanted.
This meant spending a lot of money on him, though, to help him get on his feet again, and also means I am main carer of kids and paying all bills whilst still helping him with some money, but (detail removed by Moderator) so I can stop when I feel time is right.
I appreciate my financial situation helped but it meant I’ve been juggling (detail removed by Moderator) jobs since to be able to pay for everything, but I always said if I lost everything and had to start again, it’d be worth it. Can’t put a price on freedom.
Now I’m in my house, don’t get abused, don’t walk on eggshels, my kids have a quiet peaceful home.
(detail removed by Moderator), and coparenting schedules are still very difficult as he wont agree to anything upfront, wants to see them whenever he wants or is free, but it’s not bad to have the kids more.
Also need to see how will navigate bringing new relationship into the open, but I’m cautiously optimistic things will work out and I won’t end up killed! (something I feared for some time, when he threatened me saying I didnt want to trigger someone with nothing to lose…)
I guess I’d say do your research, seek advice, but trust your gut on your decisions, you know him better than anyone and need to decide what is the safest route, even if you get criticism from people outside who never understood for example why I was being “nice” to him after everything. What they didnt see is that I was being kind to myself, taking careful steps even if slowly but avoiding the stress as best I could so I could still function and work and parent. If it meant giving him maaaaany wins, I still moved forward.
Getting out of the abuse cycle and dependency takes time, it was built over many years and I knew I could never get a clean quick break. He is slowly adjusting to new reality and I expand my boundaries a bit every day.
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Congratulations! This is so great to read!!!
I’m so happy to read this as I believe I’m in the beginning of a similar journey. If you don’t mind me asking, I’m really interested to know how you helped him get on his feet, if he still has financial expectations of you and how long it took you to get him out of the house?
Thank you for sharing this story. I feel like there is hope! -
Hi and glad this gave you hope – there definitely is hope, but things won’t just happen and sort themselves out. It took months of struggle and pain and patience and frustration to get here (I’m now officially divorced!).
I can’t post exact timelines here but it was a while until he got a job (which I helped him find and apply), and started on medication, that I filed for divorce. That triggered him again and I had to navigate following months slowly until he felt he would be better off without me and on his own place instead of with kids all the time.
I guess you know him better than anyone to line up your steps and set your strategies. I was often pressured to deal with things differently but it would have been more painful for me and I was slowly getting my wins.
Now, it’s still difficult! He’s now stressing over coparenting, lying and making things confusing for myself and kids, and just this week was on the receiving end of 2 doses of verbal abuse.
I’m waiting for right time now to have another chat, bring some suggestions on how we can try communicate better, and remind him I’m still willing to help him with some money so he can do things with kids, but that’s a choice… Need to obviously do it in a non threatening way or he will turn it around on me.
These men are leeches and have zero empathy towards others, its all about them, but knowing I cant really “win” as he wont change and feeds on this dark energy, and I’m stuck around him until kids are 18, I chose to try different strategies and keep moving towards my goals.
Try to remove myself emotionally from it and be consistent on my message to him.
Good luck, I am sure you’ll find a way through!! -
Thank you for replying and congratulations on your divorce!
I know this will take time but it’s encouraging to hear. I know I will very likely still suffer with the co-parenting but I hopefully won’t be on eggshells all the time because he won’t be there. And I will provide a better environment for the kids.
Your message has given me some things to think about. Thank you! -
Just thought I’d add. Today I called family line to understand my options if he doesn’t engage. This was helpful durinh divorce, setting plans a, b and c and knowing what I could do if I couldn’t bend him.
Now with divorce behind me, can do same with kids.
I shared the calendar, will send screenshots regularly if he doesnt engage, will keep record of all that happens.
If doesnt improve, action mediation.
If he doesnt engage, I have ammunition for court and non-mol etc.
Again, hope I can sort things without spending the money or escalating but it is good to see the options and keep strategizing!
Wish you best of luck, you’ll get there! -
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I know it is a while back since you posted, but I have only just gone on to this forum for the first time. I wanted to say thank you. Apart from the fact that you are an inspiration, I think it is great that you took the time to write an update here on your situation. Fantastic to read a positive story, of how my situation may be in the future if I am brave enough, like you, to chose for what’s best for me. You have given me hope. I am almost there (as my name suggests) in terms of leaving my husband, and am also hoping it can be amicable but at the same time feel this is probably going to be impossible. If it didn’t work when you’re together, why would it improve when you’re leaving him and ‘make his world fall apart’ (which is how mine will put it). My main concern is my children too, so great to see that your partner is now getting help. I so identify with the feeling that you felt you had to show him that you are serious about wanting an amicable split by not getting a solicitor! As if you owe him anything… This shows the level of emotional abuse you have been through (although I don’t presume to know your background story). I wish you all the best. And thank you again.
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Hi ladies, just thought of sharing an update as the thread picked back up.
After a couple of abusive episodes after divorce where he went crazy because I wasnt at home with kids (ended up coming to my house, I didn’t want to open but he threatened and I gave in, just to be kicked and yelled at), I decided to connect with the DV, put red flag on my house with police and added cameras. Also have seeked conselling for my kids and myself, and have solicitors lined up to understand what I need to do if want non mol or childs arrangements order. I am planning to talk to school and neighbours to alert them, so they feel ok to intervene if they see something odd.
I dont intend to act on anything but feel better/safer for having a plab B and more people knowing. I am careful who I share it with, though, and explain that if they want to help keep me safe, he can never know I’m talking behind his back as his biggest fear is that his mask will fall – that would be the last thing he’d lose and I fear for what he’d do. He needs to keep the image of a nice intelligent articulate man…
Now life is calm and I just need to be mindful not to go out with friends when I have kids as he says I never left kids to do anything with him, so why now… He says I can do whatever I want when he has kids (which is very rare) but tbh that’s good enough. If thats all the control he has and my “punishment” is being stuck with kids, and them with me instead of him, then all is good. I dont have full freedom yet but my priority are the kids and not long before (detail removed by moderator) living their lives. Sometimes I do get upset I’m in this situation but with all the horrors we are seeing in the world, I guess if this is my burden, I must find a way to live through it with strength, taking one step at a time.
Hope you all wonderful ladies are making progress too x*x -
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